4A/N: I'm not really sure how Schizoprenia works and I don't know whether the sufferers of this terrible illness can be as sane as Sapphire in the story.
I don't have the time to check into full details to make all the facts right because I'm having one of the major public examinations right now (yeah, yeah, I should be studying than writing).
Anyway, in case that i'v egotten any facts wrong, I'm really sorry. Please forgive me. I doubt that I'll be editing this even if I've gotten the facts wrong.
version 2 is up. it's a whole lot for sadictic
Happy reading.
DISCLAIMER: The lyrics in ittalic is from the song Sacred by Tokio Hotel. If you haven't heard it before, maybe you can try listening to it before reading this to get a better feel to this story.
I'm still awake for you
We won't make it together
We can't hide the truth
"What are we going to do now?" I asked the boy sitting in front of me.
"I don't know..." Sean whispered, staring at the floor. He took away his hands from me, not able to bear the feeling of the touch of my small hands on his any longer. The longer he stayed with me – I think - the more he felt my touch, he felt that he would crumble faster than he already is now.
"Who knows? Maybe things will really work out? I can pay you a visit when you're having your college break." I suggested, uneasily drawing my hands back.
"And how about you, Sapphire? Will you be alive when I return?!" I watched as the boy who owned my heart slammed his palm onto the table. I winced and my eyes dropped down, staring at the fresh red marks on my wrists made by the nurses who tied me down.
I'm giving up for you now
My final wish will guide you out
Before the ocean breaks apart
Underneath me
Remember
"Ye-yes... I will be alive when you return." I answered with confidence but both of us knew that it was just all a lie so that Sean would be able to go to college and then university to pursue his dreams with ease.
"Don't lie to me, Saph! How do you expect me to believe you when you've yet again tried to kill yourself yesterday?" Sean shouted. He covered his eyes with his hands to stop his tears from flowing down.
I wanted to reach out and touch him but I dare not. I had to let him go, I just had to although he was the only one left in mylife.
We met when we were 7 years old and like all romantic stories found it books, we became an item. we were happy and our relationship was strong – that was until I found out that my family had a long line of inherited mental illness called Schizophrenia and I had inherited it. It only became evident when I was around 16, just two years ago from now, when my mother remarried the wrong man - I was repeatedly raped and abused by my stepfather.
My mother would not believe me and I was afraid to tell Sean. I had no one to go to and because of the trauma inflicted on me, I fell into major depression – at least that was what I was initially diagnosed with by the psychiatric doctor when I started cutting myself and attempted suicide several times.
A few months later, I started hearing voices – perceptual disorders, they called it -, voices that told me that I was tainted and ruined. They said that it was right to hide it from Sean because he would immediately abandon me if he knew. They also whispered in my ears that I wasn't fit for him and I did not deserve him, not any longer. Heck, I did not even deserve this life of mine any longer.
Over and over again, I would scream back at these voices, telling them to shut up. They became so real that I became confused between reality and delusions. I would talk to them and shout at the laughing and taunting voices, going insane and wild even when I was in public.
Slowly but evidently, I withdrew herself from society. Every time I went out, I felt that people were staring at me with a look of utter disgust as if they knew my dark secret. My mother could not stand me any longer and threw me into a psychiatric ward. After that, I never saw nor heard from my mother again.
Of course, all these affected Sean especially when he found out first hand that I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia since he was the one holding my hand when the psychiatrist broke the news. Although he was the stronger one between the two of us, he broke down in tears while I just sat there, nodding. I knew that there was something wrong with me and it was not much of as a surprise.
To me you'll be forever sacred
I'm dying but I know
Our love will live
Your hand above
Like a dove
Over me
Remember
To me you'll be forever sacred
"Sean... you can't forsake your future just because of me..." I held my hands tightly together at my lap, trying to gain control over my emotions. Lately, Sean had become more and more emotionally distressed so I knew that I had to be the strong one now and release him from the chain of my life. That was the only thing that was left that I could do for him since for these past two years, he had been my pillar of support.
"But I can't leave you alone! What if the voices start coming back again, huh?" he shouted at the top of his voice and although his eyes were still hidden beneath his hands, I could see tears rolling down each side of his cheeks.
"I'm in a psychiatric ward, Sean! It's kind enough for your parents to haven taken the financial burden away from my mum and fully support me in this top notch mental hospital! I don't want to further burden them or you for that matter so please Sean! Go to college, then Uni and then become a Master Degree holder!" I shouted back and bit my lips hard.
I wanted to dig my nails deep into my flesh and feel the blood on my fingertips. I want that pain again, because having that pain is better than having to go through this kind of pain. Nevertheless, I refrained myself because I knew that my hurting myself in front of him once more would further strengthen his decision of staying by my side.
"What if they're too late? What if the voices are back and you try to kill yourself again? There's always a chance that they'll be careless and get to you too late!" he looked up at me with swollen red eyes and in them I can see fatigue and at the same time the unconditional love that he has for me. How many times has he proven to me and reassured me that his love for me will never fade nor dim away?
"It will not happen and I believe that your love for me is undying. It's what a girl always dreams of, don't you know? To have a man by her side and to feel what it called an unconditional love. How can I die when I know I've received the rarest and greatest gift of life?"
"Oh... but you can Sapphire! It's because you're just a bunch of filth! This kind of love that he possesses, don't you think it would be better off given to someone else that's a million times better than you?! Just die, will you?" There it was again – the snickering voices talking to me. I swallowed hard and took in a deep unsteady breath. Shut up... I don't need you here, not at this moment! Why can't you just leave me alone for just this once?! I shouted back in my mind, my body already shaking.
Truth be told, I know that I'm not going to make it. Even if I would, I don't think I would want anyone I hold dear to me to be bounded by my own chains of life when he had the chance of release. But before I really lose myself, I wanted to complete one last task, in hopes that maybe it would somehow amend the way I felt about my life even if it's in a small way.
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" I whispered harshly in fear, momentarily forgetting that Sean was there.
My eyes shot up when I heard the sound of a chair dragging on the floor and in an abrupt motion, Sean was already standing in front of me with his hands tightly covering my ears and pressing my forehead against his wide and hard chest. "It's the voices again, isn't it?" he whispered gently.
My hands went up to grab the soft fabric of his shirt. "Sean... Please, I beg you. Leave me and lead a new life in a new country. Lead a normal life! I can't stand to see your life revolving in only caring for me! You're normal Sean!" I pleaded relentlessly with him. "You need to have a social life! Everyday, after school, you come straight to the hospital. Sometimes you even skip school when you know that the voices are back!" I could remember clearly the times when he would just sit by my side holding my hands while I lay on the white bed, weak from the drugs. He would always put up the brave front and support me through my treatments and even through the times when I tried to kill myself in front of him out of selfish acts. But I knew that once he was out of my sight, he would cry tears of pain and sadness.
You break the ice when you speak
With every breath you take
You save me
I know that one day
We'll meet again
Try to go on as long as you can
Even when the ocean breaks apart
Underneath you
Remember
"True... I do actually skip school a lot but I still score straight As and may I remind you that I'm always holding the first position." He pointed out with fake haughtiness, trying to brighten up the mood. I couldn't help but let out a small laughter at our memories before things began spiralling out of control.
He was always at the top at everything he does while I was only average. He would always boast about his abilities just to irk me and I would always find ways to fire nasty sarcastic remarks at him. From to time to time, he would come to my house and tutor me but somehow we always ended up getting distracted and I never actually learned anything at all that has to do with my academic studies.
I pulled myself away from the memories because although they were happy memories, they made the pain feel even more unbearable. "That's all the more why you should leave. You have the potential to do something great to this world, Sean. Don't be stuck with someone like me. Forget me, but if you can't, at least stop loving me. Give this rare kind of love that you possess to someone else who can return them to you!" I said, my voice muffled by his shirt.
Sean pushed me away at arm's length and gripped my shoulders tightly. "Don't ever say that! Don't ever say fucking that again, do you hear me!? Stop trying to self-sacrifice yourself, Saph! It's not bloody noble at all!" he was furious, I can hear it in his voice even as his grip on me softened.
I stared at him wide-eyed for he seldom cursed while conversing with me. "God... he's hopeless..." Again, the voices. "Look at what you've done to him now, Saph? God... you shouldn't have even existed!" I began shaking my head vigorously. To Sean's utter horror, I crumpled onto the ground and I clutched fistfuls of my hair. "I'm trying! I'm trying my best to release him! Why can't you freaking see that and just shut up and let me be!?"
Slowly, Sean knelt until he was at eye-level with me. "Don't listen to them. Everything they're telling you are lies. Sapphire, my love, please don't listen to them but listen to me. Don't trust them but trust me." By then, my whole body was trembling vigorously. I looked up at him, never blinking, searching for that familiar strength that I would always hold on to in those frequent times such as this in him.
His lips broke into a smile and my body relaxed a little. There it was: that cute crooked smile of his that held so much meaning and words.
To me you'll be forever sacred
I'm dying but I know
Our love will live
Your hand above
Like a dove
Over me
Remember
To me you'll be forever sacred
"I-I'm sorry... I'm good now." I regained my composure and smoothed my white dress, trying to avert my attention to something else.
"Sapphire..." I loved the way he said my name. He was the only one who could say it and make it sound so clean and beautiful. "I can't leave you... I really can't. Not until I'm sure you're able to fight back against those voices and recover."
"I can and I will. Have trust in me, Sean. I need that from you above anyone else. I need your trust." I tried persuading him again and I could see a flickering sense of annoyance at my persistence in facial expression. Nevertheless, he kept quiet and I tried to push on a little further. "When we're young, we always talked about doing something great to change the world. Although I no longer can leave this white prison until the day I'm cured – which is not anytime soon -, I can still do it by making sure you carry on with this dream of ours. You're made for something big, Sean. With your charisma that draws and makes all kinds of people to stop and listen to your words with that brain of yours, you can have the world!"
I love him and I do not want to let him go but I know that I must. It was then or never. Only then did I understand what it means when they say 'To love is to sacrifice.'
Sean kept quiet and I knew that I was winning him over. "I promise that I will continue fighting so long as I know you're happy. There's nothing I can give you but to grant you freedom-"
"How many times do I have to tell you that-" he cut me off but I silenced him by placing my fingers on his lips.
"There's nothing I can give you but to grant you freedom to make your own decisions in life and choose who to love. If after all those years apart, you are able to come back to me with the equal amount of love that you have for me now, I swear that I will no longer push you away from me and try to break you away from the chains and prison of my life. But, if you come back with a heart that no longer belongs to mine, that I will gladly accept it."
"You're sacred to me, Sapphire. Of course I'll come back to you with the exact amount of love as now if not more!"
"Yes, I trust you, so you must trust me and listen to my advice. I may be mentally unsound most of the time but it's in times like this when I know I'm right and am fully aware of my actions."
Forever you
Forever sacred
Forever you
You will be sacred
In your eyes
I see the hope
I once knew
I'm sinking
I'm sinking
Away from you
I cupped his distraught face in my hands and for the longest time since I could remember, I took the first initiative to kiss him on his lips. "So, Sean will you please listen to me and your parents?"
"But what about you?" he asked, though clearly still in the state of utter surprise.
I forced a smile on my lips. "I will fight and I will recover. Doctors and nurses are at my aid every single second. I love you so before you return, I will live so that I may see the successful person that you've become."
He nodded his head and I closed my eyes in dejection. It was done. He had finally agreed and I've lost him for good. No longer will I have someone by my side during those terrible and painful times. No longer will I wake up to find him holding my hands while he slept sitting on a chair with his head on the bed. No longer will I feel the press of his soft loving and warm lips and worst of all, no longer will I be able to hear his gentle voice soothing me when the voices are there.
All of a sudden, I remembered a song called Sacred that Sean sang to me some time ago. As I recalled the soothing yet sad melody of the song, I began singing the chorus of it.
Sean looked at me as if I were an alien. I wondered how long had he not hear me sing?
He started laughing and pulled me into a tight embrace. He kissed my forehead and tucked my head underneath his chin. In a weary tone, he asked, "Are you that happy that I've finally agreed to leave?"
"In a sort of way, yes." I lied, glad that he was too happy to find the truth out.
When he sobered up, he entangled his fingers in my long hair and made me look into his eyes. "Have faith and trust me that my love for you will never fade away. We've gone through so much and all those pain just makes our binds stronger. So if the voices return again with all those horrible lies or when you feel like taking your life away again, remember that you cannot and must not die because once you've overcome them again, you're just making our bond a whole lot stronger. Nothing, I repeat nothing, will break our relationship apart. Do you understand me?"
I couldn't help but believe in him because all I saw in his eyes were the unfathomable depth of his love and the sincerity. I nodded as I began to cry and again, I held onto him for dear life.
We stayed like that for hours even as the voices tried to ruin the peaceful mood. For the next two months, he continued to visit and take care of me until the very day he had to leave.
Don't turn around
You'll see
You can make it
Never forget
Everyday, I battled again my Schizophrenia illness. There were times that things would get so bad that I really did attempted to kill myself using all sorts of means. Luckily, the nurses, doctors and counsellors where there. . Everyday they would remind me of Sean and read his letters to me. When the voices left me alone and I was momentarily sound, I would write back to him, careful to omit any details of my life that would worry or scare him. Sean's parents too would sometimes pay me a visit when they were not busy with their work and life.
I have not heard from my mother nor any of my relatives yet save for a few – and they were afraid of me.
15 years have passed and Sean said that he would be back today. I'm not fully cured yet but I'm getting better and I could fend off the voices by myself every now and then although sometimes they would still win over my body and mind. Being able to do so is a great feat for not many women could come as far as I am now.
I looked at the magazine in my hand and then at the front-page photo of Sean. He looked wonderfully handsome in his smart suit and tie sitting relaxingly in his high and mighty looking office chair with documents spread out in front of him. He was a CEO of the largest company that hold the world's biggest trade in the palm of their hand. He had also opened several mental hospitals and rehabilitation centres for the mentally ill all over the world, served by the best medical experts in the psychiatric field yet maintaining a reasonable cost that would allow the people of the norm to afford sending their loved ones there.
Now, I am proud to say that I'm one of the patients living in one of these hospitals of his. I gently skimmed my fingers across his photo and smiled. Flipping the book open, I reread the three-page interview article on Sean Goh.
'Q: What inspired you to open so many hospitals for the mentally ill and why at such low rates? It's understandable how you're able to control the world's trading market since your father is pretty successful in that, but hospitals for the mentally ill?
A: I owe it all to a special someone back in Malaysia. She was the one who inspired and pushed me to dream big. I will never forget her.
Q: It's odd for me to ask this since we're doing an interview for a business magazine, but who is this special someone?
A: That's a secret I'll never tell.'
I can't help but to feel so overwhelmed with pride. "You know he's saying that just to promote himself! Look at him, how can he still love you when he's young, rich and oh-so-good-looking? Women are throwing themselves at his feet! Cleary he's just saying that to create the suspense and add to that addictive mysterious aura around him since he never really reveals his private life to the media!" the voices hissed into my hear menacingly.
I snapped the magazine close and shouted back with a confidence that I never had fifteen years ago. "When will you stop feeding lies to me!? He is back today and I swear by God that I will show him how little control you have over me, you damn voices!"
"Since when were you able to talk like this to the voices, Sapphire?" a deep alluring voice sounded from my back.
I whirled around and Sean was standing there with a bouquet of roses dressed in a white suit. "Sean... You came..." I whispered from shock as tears of joy blurred my vision.
He opened his arms wide beckoning me to him and he grinned. He looked different and I could barely recognise him even though I've seen him on television business channels but when that grin appeared, all crooked and adorable, I could see the resemblance once more.
I stumbled as I ran into his arms, wrapping my arms around him.
"See? I told you I'd return to you no matter what." He whispered into my ears.
I nodded and smiled as bent my head upwards to study the changes in his features. "And I also kept my promise about staying alive."
"Yes... Yes you did..." he tilted my chin up and crushed his lips against mine. That was all it took for me to reinforce my trust in him that he returned to me with a love that's even greater than from when it was 15 years ago.
"I'm back for you, my love. And this time, I'll never leave your side again. I've gained so many experiences, Saph. With all these experience, I shall guide you and battle alongside you to fight your illness. Do you understand me?"
I nodded enthusiastically, just feeling overjoyed that I was back in his arms now. "Welcome back, Sean."
"I love you Saph." He said earnestly.
"I love you too."
"Lies! They are all lies! He doesn't love you anymore!" I squinted my eyes shut and muttered, "Get lost..."
"The voices?" Already, Sean started to sound worry.
This time, unlike 15 years ago, I could look at him in the eyes and grin, "Yeah. It's them. But it's alright. I have better control over them now."
Sean's tensed expression eased. "That's good then... I'm so happy that you're having at the very least partial recovery."
I laughed. "Yes. I know I'm lucky and I'm feeling a lot more lucky with you by my side now."
I may not have a full recovery and I might fall into suicidal relapse every now and then as long as the voices exist in my world but with Sean's undying love and the strong emotional support from those who care around me – the sincerity of the staffs in this hospital as well as Sean's parents who have gradually and wholeheartedly treat me as their own daughter – the ongoing battle that would probably never end would be a whole lot easier.
To me you'll be forever sacred
I'm dying but I know
Our love will live
Your hand above
Like a dove
Over me
And one day
The sea will guide you
Back to me
Remember
To me you'll be forever sacred
To me you'll be forever sacred
A/N: Reviews please please please?
Version 2 is up and it's a whole lot more sadistic... please DO take a look.