Impasse

I guess 'that stage' has hit. Can't say I'm thrilled . . . but I can't deny that I am.

I can't retrace my steps to the beginning with you. My memory isn't what its supposed to be. That's why I write, so I don't forget. Ironically that is how you found me in the first place.

Never underestimate the power of the word. Empires rise and fall by it. Hearts are made, enforced, and broken with it.

But i'm getting off topic.

I am complete in you presence, and empty without you.

We are a constant, but never really there.

I have you like no one else can, yet you will never be mine.

I love you, but can't even stand the sight of you.

I need you, but can never accept you.

Which is why I hold my tongue. Why should I tell and pass this confusion on to you. You have your own life to attend to . . . which I'm not too fond of either. But what can I do? No! better still, what 'will' I do?

Nothing. I will change nothing. I'm too much of a coward to. So I am left with this tear. Luckily I'm used to putting my problems aside . . .usually.

But you're different. I have extreme problems putting you away. So I give in. Which only weakens my resolve further. Jeez! I'm such a weak, cowardly, love struck, idiot! What am I thinking! I'm thinking you . . . and I don't know if I will ever stop . . . if I ever 'can' stop. I hope I will have the ability to one day. . . but I won't hold my breath, and you shouldn't hold yours.

Maybe someday someone else will come along and fill your spot. Maybe they will be the 'glue' for my 'tear'. . . or maybe they'll break me and I'll end up just crawling back to you on my hands and knees, crying and heartbroken, more pathetic than ever.

Will you hold me then? I imagine not.

Maybe you won't even be there. I get this awful feeling that 'we' won't make it through a year. Whether because of you, me, what we say, or just ill fate. I fear my feelings . . . and of course they just make me miss u more! So what do I do?! I come to you looking for comfort and companionship. I am, in essence 'taking off my own leg'. . . doomed to use a crutch forever I guess.

I lived my time without a single glance from anyone. I tuned myself to have a kind of barrier to keep so many out. It kept out the perverted, the hurtful, the ignorant,and the useless, . . . but you passed. Which makes you special. And since the beginning humans have always valued what is rare and special. So now you have gotten to the soft and sensitive center . . . only to find out that you are not allowed any way. Some barrier, right?

Oh well. I think I've confessesd enough. Anymore and you might figure out who you are. Then I'd REALLY be screwd. So, enough. I love you but I don't, which I will never be able to explain, so don't ask.