I never thought what it would be like if you were gone from my life permanently. No I never counted the school holidays as permanent because I knew the moment I got back into school you would be there grinning away with your sad eyes. I thought you would be one of my main constants in life, like Aimee, Matty, Mel, Loz, Sami and all the rest.

To find out you were missing third hand hurt like hell.

To find out you left without saying goodbye, without hinting to me, without even reassuring you have a safe place to go hurt even more.

To hear theories from people who think you're gone to London made me panic. You don't really know your way round London, even I who had been there so many times don't know my way round London.

The realisation that I can never laugh with you, never sit by you while I read and you draw, to never talk about death and the afterlife with you, to never play wrestle with you again hurts as well.

But what suffocates me is the fear and worry that you'll be found dead somewhere. Injured in hospital, high on drugs or so emotionally scarred you can't even pretend like you used to.

I dreamt about you last night, you said you had been nowhere, that you're fine...was that you or was that my subconscious trying to reassure itself?

We're all worried, we all miss you, we all adore you, and we all want you back.

Please I'm begging you, come home. Come back home to us.

Even if you don't stay long, just to show that you're safe, that you have a proper plan, that there's a chance we can all see you again.

I just want you back.

Please come home.