1Becca Ortega
AP Language/Comp
Modest Proposal
12/17/08
A MODEST PROPOSAL
For the Betterment of the United States of America's Economic Condition by Developing Technology to Use Organic Gas-Releases
Newcomers to America grimace at the air, clouded with the black smoke exhaust from cars and semis and the noxious gases pouring out of towering factory smoke-stacks. The oxygen choked with yellow-brown sickly smog hovers above our cities like a blanket of festering disease, and the traffic of thousands of gas-guzzling cars clogging up the highways suck up oil reserves like a leech to a pool of blood. The death count is rising as increased levels of toxic chemicals are released into the air by the factories producing the useless gadgets and gizmos we so cling to for comfort, necessity, and meaning. Yet, by some strange coincidence, the old (the baby-boomers) are still surviving in this world so poisoned by pollution. As they fill our retirement homes, our homeless shelters, and even our homes, the smaller population of younger workers is left to pick up the slack to pay for their weekly activities, no doubt keeping them alive.
It can be agreed by all that this decreasing number of able workers is only worsening our dependency on foreign oil to fuel machines to perform our back-breaking labor for us. However, as technology assumes more of our daily responsibilities by becoming increasingly complex, the death-count as a result of interacting with said technology is, unfortunately, skyrocketing. Dangerous mechanics are ripping off appendages, scalping people, crushing individuals to death, and the list goes on. These frequent unavoidable fatal accidents serve only to place more strain on an already drained pool of the working-class. The average citizen works longer hours under more stress for less pay only to receive the money necessary to survive and help to pay for these increasing social security needs. With the economy in a near-depression as it is now, managers are paying employees less to cope with their own financial strain. 1 in 10 Americans are filing for unemployment benefits, and many are being denied. This forces them to scrounge for the funding necessary to keep their own families afloat, let alone pay for the elderly and their basic needs, such as bingo, sponge-baths and Bengay.
It seems the only way for the average citizen to be relieved is to find an alternate energy source, not only to boost our own economy, but so technology must be modified completely. This will sever our dependency on gadgets for a short amount of time. But how? I have spent countless years contemplating this, troubled by the blatant complexity of this dilemma, scribbling on reams of paper until they are black with ink, and finding myself met with a simple solution. Innumerable hours of arguing have been spent and limitless amounts of poorly-crafted lattes have been hastily sipped with my closest colleagues, including the prominent alternate-energy researchers Hann I. Balector and Jack T. Ripner and world-famous chemist Dr. Frank Enstine, discussing each potential flaw my solution could hold and every possible alternative. And yet, we found ourselves grossly taken aback by how inefficient the others were.
My intention primarily lies in bettering the economy of this great country, which no doubt slipped into a recession on its own, completely unaffected by our infallible, intelligent, industrious leader George W. Bush. However, my solution additionally offers aid to the elderly and possibly a greater social security check to all those meeting the requirements for this entitlement program, removing the stress of paying dues from the working class of America. This way, families will prosper as bonds are strengthened between parents and children. No more will a child come home from school to a locked door because both parents are slaving away at the local Wal-Mart for minimum wage! This new wealth in the country will keep at least one parent at home to care for the children instead of leaving them at the mercy of the "qualifications" a baby-sitter or day-care may claim to have.
The marketing of this newly developed fuel and the technology to make/use it will increase trade among foreign countries. This, in turn, will also facilitate their own economic growth once they have made the fuel switch as we have.
Also, the number of technology-based fatalities will decrease sharply from those employed to work on this completely organic process of harvesting natural gas.
A conservative estimate reveals that over 3 million people are homeless in the US, and the number is rising each day as the rate of foreclosure, eviction, and irresponsible stock-brokers increases. What does this mean? Shelters will be more clogged than ever this winter as more pile in to escape the biting cold as the government spends more money on each person than their yearly income. Where does this leave our baby-boomers who are homeless? Will they willingly give up their place in a shelter to one of the over 1 million homeless children and freeze in the cold? Or will they tell those whipper-snappers to "find their own blanket"? Odds are they will not have a choice in this matter if the capacity of our nation's homeless shelters reaches its limit. As people die in the street from the cold, bodies will be hidden in dark alleys under sheets of cardboard, in dumpsters, half-way through a window, frozen in a last peaceful slumber. Also, some homeless baby-boomers will no doubt die from the prolonged exposure to lead paint, lead-based toys, and asbestos-insulated homes from the era they grew up in. Without identity, the homeless are buried under the name "Jane/John Doe"; no one visits their grave, so this will only add to the congestion of our cemeteries and spend unnecessary funding on caskets and burial fees.
I feel compelled to now humbly propose my own solution to this matter in hopes that it shall not be subject to objections.
It has been brought to my attention that a human corpse produces large amounts of gas after decomposition has set in, which is composed of approximately 30% methane. I have been assured that with the right scientists, technology and methods, this methane could be turned into an effective alternative-energy source to power our factories, homes, cars, etc. In this light, this most humble public servant offers her idea to the US government to instate a policy in which all corpses of the homeless lacking ID will be used to fuel our nation in tandem with hydrogen fuel.
Without embalming a corpse, the body will undergo the stages of decomposition. After 1 week, the body begins to bloat from the gases being released from the stomach and intestines, which are beginning to liquefy. This is the prime stage at which to harvest this methane, before the body rips open like the chest of John Hurt in Alien and the precious gases escape. The decaying organs still hold a significant amount of hydrogen within them, which can be separated from the rest of the tissue via means of a technical-sounding process called "dehydrogenization". Dehydrogenizationifying these organs will provide fuel for hydrogen cars in the US. The more prominent gas in a corpse's ballooned abdomen, methane, is highly flammable (meaning it could be used in combustion engines) in small quantities with air. Needing less chemical for flammability means this resource could be easily stretched, and the byproducts of methane combustion are completely harmless to the environment. Granted, methane is the smell of a flatus, also known as a fart, toot, or a "7.4 on the Rectum Scale". However, giving out free air-freshener each year for gas-stations to blow into their stations with high-powered fans will take care of the problem.
There are at least 50 advantages to my humble proposal that rate in high importance. I shall elaborate on three.
First, the creation of this method would make millions of new jobs in this country. At this point in the recession, people still want to keep their dignity though. I propose this method to be researched further and then put into practice at the lowest point in our economic plunge to fully take advantage of people's willingness to work. Some of the jobs will be dirtier than others, such as the gas-harvesters and those involved in the corpse relocation program, but they will also come with higher benefits, such as medical insurance, dental, a free air-freshener for their car, and a lifetime supply of laundry detergent. Those involved in gas-harvesting and employees of the corpse relocation program will be needed to travel and stay in one location for at least one-month intervals until they are switched out with a new batch of workers. The relocation program will be held in warehouses in obsolete US territory, mainly Puerto Rico or Texas. After their one-month interval is served, they will be granted with at least a 1-week paid "vacation" or wait-time until their group of relocation specialists or harvesters are needed.
Secondly, the method that funding will come from involves boosting our own international trade. In order to gain the monetary means necessary to begin this organic-fuel transformation, the US will set up off-shore companies so people can invest in the Bloating, Unearthing, and Manufacturing Company, or BUM Co. BUM Co. will be the main headquarters of organic-gas management for the United States. It will trade the technology used for harvesting this fuel and the fuel itself with other countries in exchange for funding or part of their excess death-count. With this funding, especially the large profit I predict BUM Co. to have within 3 years of its establishment, the US government will fund social security from the account BUM Co. creates. It will be called Account for Social Security and shall need no acronym.
Thirdly, the use of human-based fuel will offer individuals another choice as far as how their remains are dealt with post-mortem without the limitations of organ donation, which requires people to be healthy for their innards to be suitable for transplant. Anyone in any health, with any condition can be used to power our nation. We may all live different lifestyles, but we all exist in the same decomposition. It will be looked upon as an act of loyalty, of respect, of patriotism to willingly give one's body to this great country of ours.
I was forced to concede in my thinking another possible way for this economy to prosper and for social security to be handled. It involved training people to be snipers, distributing weapons to all of those over 16 and passing the training course, and paying them to hunt down and kill all of the baby-boomers. I found it cruel and immoral. Not to mention the cost of distributing and manufacturing all of those weapons and ammo would be ridiculous. I do, however, support more homeless people buying guns.
Some arguments against my case have been made, mostly by my good friends at the future BUM Co. about the morality issue with using these John and Jane Does for fuel. I simply told these concerned employees that we know not of the religious backgrounds of these unnamed souls, so it would be wrong to treat their bodies any other way than how Mother Nature would treat them. Allowing for decomposition to take place is what is natural. Whichever religion they are, they will see the light…from inside the chambers of a combustion engine.
After years of futile searching for a complex solution, after offering alternate ideas in vain to an unwilling audience, I literally stumbled across this idea. In fact, I was out of gas and had to walk across the city, when I tripped over the legs of a very rude and very old homeless man. I will not be stubborn about my proposal being the correct one, the one that is more efficient, more cost-effective, or more beneficial. I invite anyone who may have a better plan for this country to come forth now and reveal his/her solution for the dire situation the US is in. Until a theory can surpass my own, until someone can discover a self-replenishing natural resource more effective than this, we shall use what is available presently in terms of a solution.
I confess that I, in no way, wish to personally benefit from this solution other than the satisfaction I will feel when gazing upon the prosperity of my country. I shall smile when grandparents tell their grandchildren stories in a comfortable home, when parents spend time with their children, and when wealth is abundant. I myself would more than willingly donate my body to the BUM Co. cause, for the betterment of my country is this humble theorist's main concern.