2Just Because.
Written by: Effay
Date: Friday 19th December, 2008
Summary: It's been a year.
The way you move is like shimmering liquid pouring into my hands. You have all the eloquent grace of a dancer and I envy that. I envy it and I admire it. Every turn, every flick of the wrist, every stretch is a dance in itself and I can't stop staring.
I've known you for a year now. The day I found you sitting outside my apartment building on the curb, softly singing Christmas carols to yourself as I wondered how you could stand the cold outside when just looking at you from the lobby inside makes pimply goose bumps rise along my skin. I remember how I waited to see what you would do but you did nothing except for sing. You sounded horrible, you were out of tune and the key was either too low or too high. You sounded awful and I couldn't help the winces that would escape my lips.
"You sound horrible." I said, surprising myself. I didn't want to come out here and talk to this weird person.
"You think I sound horrible."
"No, you're in the wrong key."
"It's a Christmas carol. There's nobody around. Who is going to care?"
I gazed at your beautiful face, pale with a delicately pointed chin and your lips set in a defiant line. I thought your hat was silly with its bouncing bobble but I liked your black and white scarf and I thought your eyes were breathtaking. I sat down next to you after brushing the snow off the icy cold concrete. It had been snowing all day and though it was in the evening now, the snow still hadn't let up, light flurries dancing their way to the ground. I remember how in my youth, my days of childhood, I used to try and catch the snowflakes on my tongue. I shivered at the cold of winter.
"Si-ilent night...ho-oh-ly night..." I started to sing softly after a little pause and I could see your confused, surprised gaze out of the corner of my eyes. I could see your raised left brow as you wondered what kind of crazy I was and contemplated running away from me. However, I looked at you and you just stared at me before joining in with me. We sounded very out of tune because I admit, I cannot sing to save my life either. But to my ears, I thought we sounded beautiful. We sat like that, singing together for a long time until there were no more songs that I could think of. I knew it was late, the streetlights illuminated the roads and pathways, bathing them in a faintly warm orange glow.
"My name's Harper." I offered my glove-covered hand. You glanced down at it before taking it with your pale, bare one.
"I'm Sol."
You're in the kitchen and you're finishing up with the pudding, ready to bring it out for us to share because this holiday, it's just the two of us. You have no one else to go to and I don't want to leave you because you're too beautiful to be left alone. You emerge from the kitchen with a small smile playing around your lips and I long to run my tongue across that lower lip, I long to feel your tongue duelling with mine. I wonder what you'd taste like. I inhale your unique pine scent as you sit down next to me on the couch and set down the things. You grab the thick quilt that had been resting idly on the arm of the sofa, shaking it out to reveal a myriad of colours. In a flash, those colours are on you, decorating your body and disguising it.
"I don't have a family." Your answer is curt as you unwind the scarf from around your neck. You try to look neutral and disinterested but I know you're dying to snoop around my things, dying to ask questions like whether that girl I have my arm around is my sister or a girlfriend. You want to know why I'm alone on Christmas Eve.
"She's my step-sister. She's only one year older than me." I tell you and you nod. I don't tell you why I'm alone on Christmas Eve though.
God, you're so beautiful. With your high cheekbones and your slender, lithe frame...every time you bring them home, I can't help the pit of swelling jealousy inside my stomach. I want to be the one you call for, I want to be the one to whisper across your skin and give you shivers, and I want to be the one for you. When I took you in a year ago, I never expected to keep you for this long. I figured I would get you started and then I would let you go. You had a chance to leave so many times. Why didn't you?
"Thank you." You're quiet as you accept the steaming mug of hot cocoa which I am practically forcing you to have and which you really don't want because you don't want to impose on my evening. I reassure you that you aren't imposing at all. You smile and comfort washes over me from your lopsided smile. That lopsided smile which will soon become my light and the worst torture I could ever experience, knowing that that lopsided smile would never be solely for me. Not in the way you do it anyway.
"Aren't you out a little late, Sol?" the question slips out before I can stop it and it hangs in the air like a heavy weight. I can't take it back even though I want to. It's intrusive.
"Yes."
"Don't you have –"
"I don't live anywhere. I live alone, wherever I can. I don't have a real home." A silence reigns over us and I take this moment to study you sitting with your legs tucked neatly in a cross-legged position. You do it with such grace.
"Who are you, Sol?" the question has a thousand meanings behind it and I'm searching for only one. It's a broad question and you don't answer at first though I can see your mind running through all the different responses, weighing out its honesty. As you think, I seize the opportunity to study you like I couldn't do outside under the bundle of clothing and blanket of night.
Your hair has a limp quality to it, straggly light brown locks that look as if it would do well with a pair of scissors and a nice soak. Your skin is pale, almost a sickly colour though your frame is surprisingly strong and slender in a healthy way. You're shorter than I am by about two inches and you are dressed in simple jeans and a navy blue jumper which really brings out the colour of your eyes – blue. Blue like the skies outside on a clear day.
"Harper, stop thinking too much." You interrupt me and I turn my head to gaze at you all curled up in the single armchair and sipping your drink out of the mug I got from you last year as a random gift. Your eyes are glued to the television screen which lights up your face with the flickering pixel pictures, the only source of light in this room as I've turned off all the other lights. I never liked the light much; I've always been a nocturnal person. You swivel your head to stare at me, that lopsided smile playing on your lips. I have to catch my breath because even in this light when the television is casting ugly slats of light on your face, you still hold me in enthrallment. Maybe it's because you are like no other.
"I am Sol." You answer back after a while, licking your lips and looking at me. I glance up at you before looking away. It's a fair answer with just as many interpretations as the original question. It's not what I wanted but that's okay. It's something.
"Why?"
"Just because." I can be just as elusive as you.
I can't help it. I get up from my place on the couch and in two steps I'm looming over you. Your eyes are wide with curiosity.
"Sol." Your name rolls off my tongue and I relish the taste of it. It's sweet and warm yet so bitter and cold. It's black and it's white. I look at you again, not seeing those light freckles that dust your cheeks but knowing that they are there. I look at your nose which is like a small button and makes me want to tweak it. I bend down so we're staring into each others eyes.
I got you a job as a waiter at a respectable café not far from the apartment. I made you cut your hair to a decent size where you didn't look like a hobo and I introduced to you the power of water and soap. I bought you a new wardrobe and I gave you a bed. I remember how you devoured pizza the first night I ordered it in and since then, you have always loved pizza. Five months in and you started to bring them home. They were all handsome and beautiful with golden spun locks and light green eyes. They were short, tall, muscular and skinny. I felt shock first, then betrayal. I then sunk into a depression and now, I can't take it anymore.
My heart is racing and I reach for your hand to put it over the hammering organ. I want you to feel it all: the heartache, the want, the need, the lust, the anger...everything. I see your eyes widen at the pressure and I lick my lips.
"Sol." I say your name again.
I took care of you and it took me a long time to realize what I felt was jealousy. I wanted to wake up to your sky-blue eyes and run my tongue over your lips. I wanted to be the one you drew and I wanted to skitter my fingers over your skin. I wanted to keep you with me forever. I waited for the day that you would suddenly decide to leave and I prepared myself for it but that day never came. You continued to torture me as every once in a while you would bring home a different person, all of them different but with something in common.
I lean up to you and watch your eyelids automatically flutter half-closed, your long lashes just dusting your cheeks. As I get closer, I see your pretty freckles and I smile. I keep my eyes wide open as I press my lips to yours and it explodes into heaven. I feel shivers and tingles until I realize there is no response and I nearly cry. I almost pull away but the feel of warm lips, soft and pliant pushing tentatively against my own is enough to give me back the little confidence I had suddenly gained. I run my tongue lightly across your lower lip and you grant me access. Your eyes flutter open to meet my gaze as our tongues touch shyly. We engage in a languorously slow duel of dominance that no one wins and it is perfection. It is everything I imagined...yet better somehow. I inhale your pine scent and run my tongue along your bottom lip again, tasting chocolate. It's heavenly and I can feel myself floating. I don't want it to end.
"Sol?" You bang the door open and laugh loudly. I jump at the sudden noise before scrambling up from the couch. The person holding you up just hands you to me with a look of disgust pinching his features. As soon as you are in my arms, he leaves without a word and I am forced to deal with you alone. I pull a face at the smell of alcohol tainting your breath and mutter why would you do this to yourself? I drag you to your room and I set you on the bed to remove your clothes. I peel each garment off one by one and I am glad you can't see the flush that colours my visage. Suddenly, it happens in a rush and I don't know what is happening until I realize I'm now pinned to the bed and you are on top of me with a malicious gleam in your eye.
"Harper." You purr my name and it goes straight to my groin. I bite my lip so as not to make any sound because I know this isn't you, this isn't who you are no matter how much I wish otherwise. That the person that I know would never do this; could never do this. I could never be enough, be the one you want. You roll your hips a little and I hiss at the pleasure and the pain it brings me. It's ecstasy and it's hell. You lean down and as I tug my hands, I realize that your grip is like iron. "Harper." My name slips out of your plump, red lips and I can feel the familiar build up in my crotch. I want you to say it again, I want you to disappear. You lick the shell of my ear before kissing at that spot behind that makes me hiss again. You then make your way across my face before lingering above my lips. My heart is pounding as you lightly brush your lips across. You taste like beer and I can feel the sting in my eyes. With all my strength, I rip myself away from your grasp and fall onto the floor. I get up and open my mouth to say that I can't do this but it doesn't matter. You're asleep.
You and I kiss for what feels like an eternity, our mouths moving slowly over one another in the most divine of ways. It's intimate and exciting and I can hear your mewl as you pull away, licking your lips. I stare at you with a half-lidded gaze; I'm lost in the haze of our small kisses, lost in the colour of your blue eyes which are shining brighter than your name.
"Sol." I whisper and it is that which destroys everything we built up.
"No." You close your eyes as my own fly open.
"What?" I choke out the word as I gaze in horror at you. Beautiful you with your warm light chestnut tresses and freckled skin and your sky coloured eyes and your full lips.
"I can't do this anymore." You whisper and just those simple words makes me gasp as I feel the cracks in my heart appear, each one growing longer as my mind flicks through the images of you laughing, smiling, talking and bringing all of them home.
"Why?" I ask but I wish I could take it back because it's a question that will splinter apart my hopes, dreams...my heart.
"Just because."
Now I'm sitting outside my apartment building and I'm singing a carol. I don't know what carol, it's any old carol. I'm singing out of tune and very badly. It's like a screeching violin and an age-old piano put together. My voice shakes as tears silently roll down my cheeks and drop to join the snow. What is it about me? Am I not good enough? The thoughts run through my mind. If anyone knows anything about you, it's me.
"You're too perfect for me. You're the only thing I have that I care about, Harper. You are my life and if I lose you, I lose myself. I can't do this. I want to. But I can't. I'm sorry this is hurting you, it hurts me too." You had explained to me when you got up from the couch. My legs were too numb, everything was numb and I could barely stay focused. I was sure. I looked up to see you pacing up and down and again, I am reminded of the way you move, your grace. I watch as you continue to talk but I hear nothing, only staring at those lips I had, not too long ago, touched with my own and tasted. I watch your perfect mouth open and close as they form around words and squeeze them out, each one breaking my heart a little more. The images of you continue to run through my mind, the nights we spent together either in a rush or just...at peace and simple. Those were the moments I loved best, better than the ones we shared in a darkened room that was filled with the music of our voices panting.
With that thought in mind, I shake my head. No, I don't want to lose this chance. I won't lose it. I look up from my lap where I had been staring at my clenching and unclenching fists to see you still talking and pacing. You're so beautiful, it hurts. I stand up and the next thing I know, I've locked my lips with yours. It's nothing like before, it's painful and messy and it's perfectly urgent. I pour all my desperation into that kiss as my teeth clank painfully against yours and I roughly shove my tongue in your mouth, telling you just how much I want you. When I pull away, I realize you're weak and you lean on me. You open your perfect mouth and I stop you with another kiss. It's not long before we've migrated into my bedroom. The bedside lamp illuminates the room and bathes it in this soft, orange glow that is reminiscent of the streetlamps outside a year ago. It's a blur from here, our shadows dancing across the wall together in a rhythm we are familiar with yet so alien to. It's like our first night where everything was a rush yet it was bittersweet in the most excruciating and congenial way.
The cold bites upon my skin and I see it does to yours as I run my hands all over your bare body. I kiss your neck softly with sweet kisses and little nips that draw gasps of pleasure from you and I feel pleased. I was the one to make you feel like that. I pull back to see you fully open and inviting on my bed, your locks of chestnut hair, which needs another haircut, spread across my pillow. You look so beautiful and I run my hands over your pale skin, skitter my fingers over your sensitive spots. I lean down and kiss you so softly, so gently that your moan sounds like music as you respond. You clasp my blonde hair, running your delicate fingers through it and I feel pleasure shiver down my spine. I gaze down at you as you open your eyes and smile your lopsided smile.
After that, it's a blur as I spread you and crack you open like I and probably many others, have done before. I can feel your heat surrounding me and I drown in it as we slowly pick up our private rhythm. Your movements are liquid and have their own kind of song that my bumbling ones could never match. I try though, light green eyes flashing in concentration as I try to do you justice. As the room is filled with pants and heavy breaths and names and bittersweet whispers of nothing, I think that this is my very last time and by the end, tears had slipped down my cheeks, blurring my vision as I watch you cry out in all your glory.
"Si-ilent night...ho-oh-ly night..." the sound makes me turn around as I see you exit the apartment building, bundled in the clothes I first saw you in that you refused to throw away. I know what this means and I wish I didn't. You had warned me of the consequences but I had ignored it and now, I have to pay the punishment. "I'm sorry." You whisper and I think about how pathetic you are. I want to hit you, scream at you and kiss you. You look so miserable and I feel a stab in my heart. I then turn back around to watch the empty street, the flakes of snow falling gently from the dark skies above. They swirl and dance around, floating without a care in the world. You once asked me, if I could be anything in the world, what would I be?
"I would be a snowflake." I give you your answer and I feel you scrape the snow off the curb and sit down next to me, much like I had done a year ago. You look up at the sky and say nothing. It's peaceful and I like it. Watching the drifting patterns of ice float down is relaxing and after a while, I grow numb to the bite of winter.
We end up going inside later. It feels like we spent an eternity out there and as soon as we come in, I make a mug of hot chocolate for myself, one. There is no two anymore. I knew it, it was inevitable, I was bound to lose you someday.
"I love you."
"Why?"
"Just because."
You pick up your suitcase.
author's note:
merry christmas and have a happy new year, guys. i thought it would be good to give you guys who are all still supportive of me (though may not read my other stories) a oneshot. i don't know why it's so...depressing. i'm sorry it sounds like a ramble but i guess this is like a little bit of my feelings in here. i don't know, tell me what you think?
thanks, i love you all.
xo, effay.