1This is no great work of art. It does not have to be. It just has to have small enough words and funny enough insults to keep the sixth-grade-girl mind interested. Because that's mainly what I have to work with in terms of cast. I teach a Drama Enrichment after school every other Thursday. It's some new program they started for the junior high, Kids-Teaching-Kids. I resent the name and so do the girls. We have no funds and no help from the high-school classes besides me so we make do with a script we wrote together and the empty journalism room. We go on some time in late February. I apologize for the horrible stage directions. They're inexperienced. It has to be blatant.
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
"Detention"
(Open to CLASSROOM, with six student desks(containing papers and books)and teacher's desk with a laptop. STUDENTS, JEFF, and ANDY are chattering and socializing. Lights up.)
JEFF: Did you get number seven?
ANDY: What?
JEFF: On that worksheet. Did you get forty-nine point three?
ANDY: (blinks) What?
JEFF: Dude. The homework?
ANDY: We had homework?
JEFF: Uh, duh?
ANDY: What happens if I didn't do it?
JEFF: You have to deal with… her…
(MRS. HORNBLATT enters from stage left. All STUDENTS turn to face front obediently. ANDY is visibly stressed.)
MRS. HORNBLATT: Class! I trust you all have been good little scholars and finished the assignment I gave you Tuesday?
STUDENTS, JEFF: Yes, ma'am!
ANDY: (quietly, a little later) Something like that…
MRS. HORNBLATT: Good. Now pass them to the front of the row and in to me so we can start on today's lesson: the quadratic formula! (cackles)
(STUDENTS pass in their papers, MRS. HORNBLATT counts the papers as she picks them up, stopping at ANDY's row.)
MRS. HORNBLATT: I seem to be missing a paper… Andy, where is your assignment?
ANDY: I left it in my locker.
MRS. HORNBLATT: Then go and get it.
ANDY: My locker's jammed.
MRS. HORNBLATT: Then how did you manage to get those books out?
ANDY: I took them to my last class too.
MRS. HORNBLATT: Young man, this is the first class of the day! Enough! I was just going to take ten percent away, but now you have a detention for that deceitful mouth of yours!
ANDY: (groans) Why me?
JEFF: (in a stage whisper) That sucks man. You have to get here early on a Friday. Lame! And with all those freaks that get detention like every day. They're really scary. Good luck.
(Lights down. STUDENTS exit stage right, replaced by the DETENTION KIDS entering from stage left. Lights up. MRS HORNBLATT is at her desk, typing on a laptop. ANDY enters nervously.)
SETH: Look guys. Fresh meat!
DETENTION KIDS: (catcalls and laughs)
SETH: (crosses to ANDY, takes him by the arm, leads him to the center seat) So, what you in for, noob? Spitballs? Cusswords? Make a girl cry?
ANDY: I had a late assignment…
SETH: They don't give detention for some missing homework. What else did you do?
MRS HORNBLATT: CHILDREN! YOU ARE BEING PUNISHED AND I EXPECT YOU TO ACT AS SUCH! NOW SIT DOWN AND BE SILENT!
SETH: Whatever. What did you do?
ANDY: I told her it was in my locker.
SETH: Oldest trick in the book! But it's a start. You'll be in here every day pretty soon,
MRS HORNBLATT: Okay, young scholars, I simply cannot function without my coffee in the morning. I am going to the teachers' lounge and will be back shortly, so don't try anything. I could walk in at any moment. Do you understand?
DETENTION KIDS: (mumbling adlibs)
MRS. HORNBLATT: ANY MOMENT!
(MRS. HORNBLATT exits stage left. DETENTION KIDS jump up and immediately surround her computer desk. SETH sits in her chair. ANDY follows and stands directly behind. One DETENTION KID 4 stands by the door as a lookout.)
SETH: Alright guys. Who needs a little talking to?
DETENTION KID 1: Mr. Anderson!
SETH: Okay… (begins to type) Dear Mr. Anderson… you wear ugly sweater vests and you smell funny… the whole school would appreciate if you would stop teaching and start brushing your teeth… sincerely, Mrs. Hornblatt… and SEND!
(DETENTION KIDS laugh. Andy jumps back in surprise.)
ANDY: You didn't seriously just send that, did you?
SETH: Uh, yeah? Why do you think none of the teachers like Mrs. Hornblatt? We just erase them from the outbox and she never finds out. And all the teachers we send them to are too stuck up to say anything! It's perfect!
ANDY: But she said she would be back any minute!
SETH: That's why we have a lookout. Duh. You want to pick the next one noob?
ANDY: No way. I'm going to the bathroom so when she busts you, I won't be in the room. Bye.
(ANDY turns to leave. DETENTION KIDS 1, 2, 3 block him from exiting the circle. SETH turns to address him.)
SETH: You're in detention already dude. Just go with it. (turns back to computer) Now who?
DETENTION KID 2: Do Mrs. Smithers! She gave me a D on my English paper!
SETH: Oh perfect! Dear Mrs. Smithers… you are just mad at your students… because they are cooler than you… and have more friends…. it is not their fault that you are a loser… sincerely, Mrs. Hornblatt. And OFF IT GOES!
(Detention Kids laugh, ANDY joins in nervously. SETH notices this pushes him into the chair.)
SETH: See? You're enjoying yourself.
ANDY: No, it's just that Mrs. Smithers is really lame…
SETH: Well I think you should try it out. Who's your lamest teacher?
ANDY: … Mr. Dawes has a toupee…
SETH: So write it down! It's hilarious!
ANDY: I don't think so.
SETH: DO IT!
ANDY: Okay! Dear Mr. Dawes… Your hair is fake… and I can totally tell… because sometimes when you get excited… it slides down your face… it makes me laugh…. ha… ha… ha…
(DETENTION KID 4 begins to wave wildly. EVERYONE backs away slowly except ANDY, who is still typing.)
SETH: Good. Now sign it…
(MRS. HORNBLATT enters from stage left)
ANDY: Sincerely, Mrs. Hornblatt. There, I sent (turns)… hello.
MRS. HORNBLATT: WHAT ARE YOU DOING BEHIND MY DESK ANDY? (turns to computer) AND WHAT IS THIS? AN EMAIL? I CAN'T LEAVE YOU CHILDREN ALONE FOR A SINGLE MINUTE WITHOUT YOU BECOMING LITTLE DEGENERATES!
(DETENTION KIDS congratulate each other silently, SETH high-fives DETENTION KID 4. ANDY runs to his desk.)
ANDY: I was just making sure that… um… your screensaver worked!
MRS. HORNBLATT: The rest of you can go. As for you, Andy, I will see you Monday morning. FOR A DETENTION!
(ANDY slumps to his desk.)
END OF SCENE ONE