Hey Lovely

- ONE -

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession -

Wait, no, scrap that.

Ok.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in possession of mediocre looks and an average lifestyle is in need of a good man.

That was good. Add more later. Low battery. Fix plug first.

With a big dick!11!fbh[akcow;eng04igjgn'sando09iijfs'-pp)Okk

"Can you piss off, please, I'm doing something important." Lovely told her sister, trying to pry the laptop away from her perfectly manicured clutches.

Lady had come up from behind her and messed with her profile whilst she was fixing the plug of her laptop. Needless to say there was a tussle when Lovely realised what her sister was typing.

"Why are you Internet dating, anyway? That's like admitting you've given up."

Lovely turned to her sister archly and shooed her away, "We're not all physically blessed like you."

"Whatever Trevor, the Internet is the Land of Losers. It's where freaks go to find other freaks."

"Thank you, Lady, for your vote of confidence."

She shrugged, "I'm just saying, that's all." Then she exited Lovely's room. "Don't say I didn't warn ya," she heard her sister call from the hallway.

Left in silence she looked back at her .au profile. She wasn't a loser, nor was she a freak. Nay, she was just not very attractive. She wasn't ugly, but there was no traffic stopping involved in her day to day activities. What was worse than being painfully unattractive was that you were painfully average. Being painfully average meant you tended to blend in with the walls. And, let's face it, at least ugly people garnered attention. Whether or not it was the good kind of attention was a completely different topic of discussion all together.

Ok. She could do this. She let out a breath and continued typing in the 'About Me' section:

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in possession of mediocre looks and an average lifestyle is in need of a good man (and a good time). Grammar-Nazi English teacher, bored with the company of 15 year old male students, looking for good conversation that doesn't involve the terms: epic fail, LOL, hectic bro, and I forgot my homework at home. Wankers need not apply.

She looked at her handy work and smiled. It was good, if a little uptight. But she figured she had to be honest to weed out anyone she might not have wanted to reply. She had scanned the other profiles and wasn't too sure about the calibre of the possible respondents. But as the old adage went: beggars couldn't be choosers.

Up to this point it had been fine. Filling out the profile was fine, she could do that easily to make herself sound attractive, but it was the next step she dreaded: finding a profile picture. She sifted through her My Pictures folders looking for a photo that she wasn't blinking in, or yawning, or was taken in an unflattering angle or light. Basically she wanted a photo that she didn't have to put through the rigours of PhotoShop. When she finally found one where she looked decent she hesitated to upload it. It was of her and her sister at their parents' 30th wedding anniversary party. But lacking any other photos of her by herself where she looked presentable, it would have to do. Perhaps, she thought, the glow of her sister had somehow rubbed off onto her in that particular shot. She began to upload it.

She just hoped that the users of .au had the good sense to realise that someone like her sister didn't need the Internet to find love; but the imp standing next to her in the photo did.

"Ok, Christian, can you please explain to me the conceit of blindness in King Lear."

A boy with scruffy dark hair and a drunk swagger in his steps shook his head, "Unfortunately I can't, miss."

Lovely sighed and laid her open copy of the play on her lap. She hated the fact that they wouldn't let her teach the senior English classes because she lacked the 'experience' and HSC training. Teaching the junior classes was like getting a root canal without anaesthetic. "And why cant you?"

"I haven't read it yet."

"And why haven't you read it?"

He shrugged, "You know, I have a life, miss."

There was a wave of sniggers in the classroom and she rolled her eyes, "Hands up who else hasn't read the play yet?"

All fifteen arms of the Year 10 English class were raised and she suppressed the groan that she felt crawling up her throat. "Guys, you realise we're a week behind the syllabus." She put down her copy of the play on the desk, and pushed herself off from where she leant. "It's your school certificate this year, they'll be asking you questions on this."

The school bell rang and the kids filed out except for Christian who walked up to her, "Don't worry miss."

"Don't patronise me Christian."

He shrugged, "What do you expect? We'll get to it eventually. Anyway I'm here for a reason."

"What is it?" She began to walk out her classroom with the boy in tow.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" Working at an inner city all-boys' Catholic school Lovely had come to realise that nothing was sacred with these boys, and she had been asked everything from PMS to figuring out whether or not their girlfriend was pregnant. This was nothing new.

"It's really none of your concern."

"Oh, but it is." She turned to him; he walking with her, pace by pace, and up the stairs.

"Oh really, how so? And don't you have class?"

"I have a free. And, see, my cousin," he explained, " he's just broken up with his girlfriend and he needs a rebound girl."

"Christian, I have no intentions of being your cousin's rebound girl."

"But you guys are perfect for each other. He's into all those books and other educated shit you're into."

They got to the door of her next classroom and she faced the boy, who actually towered over her, and so she had to slightly crane her neck upwards (the pitfalls of being unbearably short and teaching the grades of boys who tended to hit their growth spurt at that particular age.) "Thanks but no thanks. I think I'm capable of finding a date on my own."

"Whatever miss, you could be passing up an opportunity of a lifetime - he could be the love of your life."

Lovely waved the boy away, unsure as to whether his intentions were as altruistic as he made them seem to be, or whether something was amiss. She tended to believe that in this case it was the latter.

"Well, Christian, that's a chance I'm willing to take."

Lovely tossed her keys on the kitchen counter and pressed 'play' on her answering machine. She sorted through her mail as she listened to the messages.

Just her mum yapping at her about her weight, and a stack full of bills. Lots and lots of bills.

She deleted the miscellaneous messages, bored with the mundane routine of her life, and dropped the bills next to her keys. She noticed the lack of loud R&B music blaring through the house, meaning her sister had gone back home that day. Lady really needed to stop using her apartment as her halfway house.

Taking her hair out of her bun she made her way to her room, walking past her laptop as she did. She stopped and walked back to where it was sitting on her dining table, remembering the profile she had started the night before. She bit her lip and walked towards it cautiously, like it was a bomb that could explode at any moment. In many ways it was kind of like a bomb. After all, if her inbox was empty she probably would explode - crying. She walked away, not ready to see if anyone had taken the time to drop their interest on her profile.

Had anyone replied?

It wasn't until she was getting ready for bed later that night that she decided to bite the bullet and check, having spent most of the evening with an anxious knot in her gut. She settled onto her mattress, leaning against her pillow, and drawing her doona to her. Resting the laptop on her lap she typed in the address of the dating site and tentatively opened her inbox.

She felt her tummy leap when she scrolled down her browser; people had alerted her to their interest - lots of them.

She opened the first message excitedly.

From: Phil C

I'm lookin for a good time or sumfink? Do u fink u cud be in2 dat? Maybe we cud msg or cyber sumtime or sumfink?

She shuddered. Ew. No.

And she seemed to have missed the memo about question marks becoming interchangeable with all punctuation.

Next!

From: Nick K

Hey, I saw your profile. I don't think you're average at all! I think you're gorgeous. I think you're interesting. If you'd like a date sometime or just to chat, message me back :).

She looked at his photo. He seemed pleasant enough, lounging on a yacht (which she assumed was his). She had a feeling he thought she was her sister but she let it slide, and she put him in the 'maybe' pile.

From: Marcus T

Do you like anal?

DELETE!

She continued to sift through the replies, but they all fell in one of three categories: either they were grammatically inept; thought she was her sister; or were just, plain, weird. Oftentimes the responses stretched over all three. She also automatically deleted any replies that made a reference to her being as 'lovely' as her name. She was getting disheartened and decided that perhaps she should just give up.

From: Oliver P

Hey Lovely (birth name or stripper name or both?),

I think Darcy is overrated. Pride and Prejudice propagates an unattainable ideal not only for women but men also! Not everyone can smoulder in a wet t-shirt the way Colin Firth (and I really do blame that guy as the one who made all this Mr. Darcy business mainstream) can.

The Bingleys of the world have no chance.

She couldn't help the grin that spread itself across her face. She rolled her tongue against the walls of her mouth positively charmed with his response. Deep down, however, she wondered whether he had responded because of how she filled out her profile, or whether it was because he thought that 'Lovely V.' was the taller, thinner girl in the photograph. She pushed that thought to the back of her mind as it only dampened her spirits. She paused for a moment, wondering how she could reply, before she settled her fingers over her keyboard with a grin, and typed out a message.

From: Lovely V

Both, actually, so kinda handy when you think about it.

Also, Bingley was a pushover; and he was easily entranced by a pretty face. Why do women the world over love Darcy? Because he was attracted to Lizzy's wit, and charm, and intellect. He's every 17-year-old wallflower's dreamboat.

But Bingley was a good guy, and good guys have always finish first in my books.

Happy with her response she bit her lip and sent it. It was not floating in cyber space for him to receive. She was about to exit the site when she realised she hadn't checked his photo. The first thing that entered her mind when she saw his profile picture was: Wow.

The second thing: He's out of your league.

- o -

A/N: If you found this through The Rules of Engagement, I know I still have that to finish but this idea just popped into my head and I had to get it out there. Unfortunately, this probably won't be as frequently updated as TROE, because I'm not quite sure how I want this to go. There are several ways that this could go for the moment and I am still playing around with ideas. As for TROE however, expect an update tomorrow/later today (Australian time).