He lived when no one else said he would

He was supposed to live longer

He never saw me graduate

He never saw my wedding

He never got over his crush on Dez

He never stuck around long enough for her and my brother to break up

He was naïve in too many ways

And not enough in others

He greeted everyone he saw

He smiled at everyone

He always felt happy

Like I always used to feel happy

Their deaths ruined me

I cry

I scream

I never used to

I am so fearful now that something else is going to happen to people I care about

I want to scream every time I think about it

And now, when I am so far away from them,

I worry even more

My father is not young

He is not old, but he is not young

He used to be so healthy

But I can tell his work is grating on him

He was thin the last time I saw him

His arms weren't as strong

And now I worry more than ever that something will happen while I am gone

That I won't be there to say goodbye

That I will have to say goodbye at all

I worry about my brother

He is in a new and strange place

And he doesn't have me by his side

We were so close, and now he doesn't know anyone

He is not the strongest,

And one thing my uncle taught me

Is that even the worst things can happen to the best of people

People like him, my brother, and my dad.

I would not change my parents for anything

But even I can wish I had more time

If they were just a little younger

It just doesn't feel like enough anymore

Especially now that I am not constantly by his side,

I feel helpless every time I think about it.

My father once told me that inside me there is a deep, deep hurt

And someday I am going to have to face it,

I have faced every single day with a bright smile and a voluntarily fragmented memory trying to put off that day

But at times like this,

I can't help but feel it

Grinding in my mind and pushing on my chest,

the pitiful fragility of human lives,

and the god dammed misery of the fate of all human relationships

I am not sure whether or not I could live without them, so far all of my efforts have failed

I have tried to distance myself, and each time I think

This is it, this is my cracking point

If I go on I will break.

But I do keep going on

And I haven't broken yet

Though every once in a while

I feel as though I might.

In a crowd of people sometimes I wonder

If I am the only one screaming