Lush

::I started writing these and soon realized there was something of a chronology to them, a story, a character unfolding. This is my project to tell the story of a young lush through poetry::


one

I don't eat, I only drink.

I drink a lot. I barely have time to sober up.

Take a lot of pills.

So many pills I can't keep track of them, I can't keep track of things.

Missing class, sleeping a lot, no short term memory.

I've been cutting some.

Might start smoking cigarettes again.

So depressed I can't breathe or think.

I don't eat and I drink all the time.

I'm irritable and I hate everyone and I'm scared of what I might say to people because I'm so angry and crazed all the time.

And I'm scared of everything and I don't care about anything and I used to think this was just a phase but now I don't see hope ever, in any hypothetical future.

But it's comforting to know I'd drink myself into the ground before I'd ever consider suicide.