You know I really miss you, and I really do love you. I wish we could be closer.
I wish we could be the sisters who do everything (well, not everything. But a lot) together, sisters who laugh and talk and share secrets and share clothes and share love so freely that it's tangible, it's really real, it's an actual physical presence in space. It's in the air, you can touch it.

With us the air is different. It's full, but full of tension.
And I often feel awkward.
And I often don't know what to say.
We aren't close-I wouldn't call it that. There are awkward pauses in our conversation, and awkward comments made in an uncomfortable way. I can never tell what you will think of what I say, and that makes me nervous. It makes me pacific. It makes me want to say the right thing. The you ask me what I mean and I stumble to say what I mean yet I also want to say what you want to hear. But I know you don't want to hear it if it's not what I think.

The worst part is when you're sad, or upset, or I am. The worst part is when I want to hug you and you shrug me off or hit me or say to go away.
The worst part is that I know sisters are somewhere, sisters like you and me who are happy and close and really really know each other. But I was still a kid when you left (now I realize that) and now I'm growing and changing and you're only coming back every so often; you don't quite see it.
The worst part is that we don't really know each other. No matter how much I love you and want to be close to you.
When you cry it hurts me. When you cry I want to make you feel better. When you cry all I want is to hug you and say it's okay, I love you and I'm here for you if you need me. I want you to cry to me. I want to be able to go to you and hug you. I want to comfort you, because it hurts me to hear you crying. I love you so much! And I cannot bear it. I cannot bear lying in bed, hearing you cry. I cannot bear knowing that I cannot help.

I want us to love each other and have fun together (and we do, sometimes). I want us to see each other as equals, as friends, as sisters. I want you to understand how I've grown and changed. I know I'm not an adult quite yet, and I know you're very very close. I know how different we are. But I also know I can make you laugh. And I know how funny you can be. I know you can have fun with me, I have fun with you. I know we can do things together, as sisters, as friends. Because you are my sister, and I am your sister. But that is where the problem is.
You forget, don't you? Or maybe you don't realize. I'm not your baby sister anymore. I'm your sister. Don't you see I left the baby behind?

Sister, we can be friends. We can take that tension away. We can get rid of the discomfort that rests like a hot sweaty blanket, covering and suffocating us. We can be the ones who tear, laughing, across the fields. We can be the ones who splash together in the shining waters, grinning. We can be the ones who throw snowballs and sled dow hills together. We can be the ones who fight and cry and make up.

Sister, my sister. I miss you and I love you. You're not coming home again forever. It won't ever be the same again but maybe that is good! Because we have a chance now.
Sister, my sister, remember how I love you and remember who I am. We can be equals, we can be friends, together.

Equals, happy, laughing, friends, together, understanding, knowing, sisters.