"I'll marry her, Elaine."

"When?"

"This Saturday."

His words still rang in my ears as I couldn't stop staring at the crappy wedding invitation. Benjamin Roberts & Ashley Herrington. Ashley Herrington, who the hell is she anyway? Benjamin Roberts & Elaine Smith would've fit so much better.

Benjamin Roberts was my boyfriend for nearly two years. I left him because I cheated on him. I never had the courage to tell him what I did to him, so I just left and never came back. Never called, never wrote, nothing. I just disappeared out of town and most of all, out of his life. I just wasn't good enough for him. And that's what I kept telling myself over the days and months that passed. And someday, you just believe what you're constantly telling yourself, if you want to or not. I was a crappy girlfriend, the opposite of him, the great boyfriend. I never really tried to improve our relationship though I always knew that I was the one who got easily bored and was always looking for some distraction. Let that some be, what that some may be.

I must admit, he really tried to keep me occupied, to keep my attention on him with all his little actions and gifts, but, paradoxical as it sounds, somehow it made me run from him even more. It was just too much. Every girl would've loved how he treated her, how he did all those romantic little things, how he never complained when she was asking him what to wear and he truthfully considered his answer, how he never got bored when they went shopping (or how easily he could hide his boredom) or how he always whispered those three little words in her ear when they had made love to each other, and really meant it from the bottom of his heart. I really loved him for that, I really did. But I just felt like a bird locked in a cage and all I craved for was to finally be free and fly away.

It's ridiculously sick to think of it now but I never really was the type to get too involved with guys. His love made me sick to my stomach, literally. And as I dropped naked on the bed next to the cute guy from the bar, sweat dripping down my forehead and all over my body, quietly listening to his snoring, I realized that I was definitely and with no doubt the wrong girl for Benjamin. I could only imagine him being at home, waiting for me, pasta with shrimps dished out on the small table on the balcony (I loved pasta with shrimps by him), two glasses filled with the most expensive red wine in town he could get, everywhere little candles lit and after we'd enjoyed the delicious dinner, we'd have a bath together, drinking champagne and having the best time of our lives. And all I did was lying in a crappy hotel room, next to a guy I didn't even know the name of (Andrew probably) feeling like the worst asshole in the whole wide world. And all I can think is that I really am the worst asshole in this whole wide world and that he deserves a thousand times better than me, if not a lot more. And so I ran.

I still don't know how he could reach me, with that crappy white enevelope, the wedding invitation. Maybe he called my mom, like he did almost for half a year after I went away, but she never told him. I didn't even tell her where I went just in case she'd slip a word. Maybe he found out as I moved back to New York City, just to a different part of town where he wouldn't have to see me. New York is huge, he couldn't find me. He just couldn't. It would've been too difficult when you weren't looking for someone, just to stumble over a name tag written next to one bell of 50 of a whole building. It was too difficult just to stumble over it when you're living in a complete different district of town, far away.

And I guess it just serves me right, the wedding invitation, the crappy one. Maybe he thought he'd see me again, that maybe we could talk about why I left. To him it must've looked like I left because he did something wrong, that he did something amazingly wrong. Maybe that we could talk about everything so he could begin his new life, sort out the past, clean cut and stuff. But maybe I'm wrong and he did already begin a new life and just wanted to show me that he moved on (intentionally sending me the crappy invitation because I deserved nothing better than a crappy one), show me that he doesn't need me anymore, that he waited for me, and since I never came back, he moved on. Jesus, I didn't even leave a damn note. Just empty drawers where my clothes had been and an empty apartment. Absolutely horrible.

"Do you love her?"

"Elaine, I-"

"It's a simple question Ben, do you love her?"

"Yeah.. Yeah, I love her."

"Do you love her as much as you loved me?"

"Elaine, please. This is ridiculous."

"No Ben, it isn't. I know I left without -" I sighed. "I know what I did and if I could, I'd explain everything.. but it.. It doesn't matter anymore. I just want to know if you love her as much as you loved me. That's the last thing I want to know and I promise, I'll leave you alone after that."

"Elaine, I love her more than I ever loved you. And I'll marry her on Saturday. No matter what."

"Goodbye Benjamin Roberts." And the telephone line went dead. Forever.