Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

There was nothing else that filled my head, but those words. Nathan was still lying next to me, sleeping peacefully, the sheets neatly wrapped around his body, sobering up and probably having a nice dream. I just shuddered at the thought of last night. Well, at the thought that made me choose staying with Nathan last night, and not with someone else.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh. my. god.

I tried to get up, but my head wasn't willing to let me do so and quickly hit the pillow again with a silent thud. I rubbed my hands over my eyes and didn't even realize the few tears that were slowly rolling down my cheeks till my hands left my face and were a little wet.

What was I thinking? I went to the wedding to get Ben back, right? Not go there, leave again, get drunk and sleep with a stranger! Everything just had to be so fucking complicated! Why? I wanted Ben lying next to me. I wanted to kiss his weak spot, right below his chin where I was absolutely sure he'd melt away under my touch. I wanted to feel his hair between my fingers. I wanted to feel my hands exploring his body again, because the memories were slowly fading and I didn't want them to! Right? I wanted to kiss him, so badly, so freaking badly that I was sure I couldn't take it anymore. I've waited way too long to have him back in my arms and I just didn't want to let him go, just now, just, again! I wanted to feel his hands on my body, his dazzling green eyes boring into mine and I wanted to see that perfect smile on his amazing lips. I wanted him to be with me, only me, just him and me, together, with no one else, with no mistakes, no fights, no regrets, no doubts, just Ben and Elaine. I wanted Ben to tell me that I was the only one he ever loved and that I would always be the one he loved, no matter what. I just wanted him to wrap his arms around me and never let me go, ever... Oh my god.

My head was spinning again.

I was never the one for decisions. I always loathed making them, even if they didn't really matter. Black or blue jeans, who cares? You can easily get a black one next time. I hated how I could never decide on what I really wanted, like a curse or something for even the simplest and most trivial things life was offering. I hated how I couldn't even decide on a subject for college. I successfully graduated from high school, and left with Ben for New York, but I didn't ever send an application, not even one. And just because of my stupid fear of making decisions! Yes, I want to be an artist, I love taking photographs, so that's what I wanna do! What's so hard about that? What's so hard about it, that you waste too many months with working at a coffee shop when you could do something you were almost sure you wanted to do in life, and for a living? When you always have in mind that you can easily back out when you realize it just wasn't worth it? Ben, I love you! I wanna be with you, only you! Seriously, what's so hard about that? Why couldn't the words seem to drip of my tongue and just float out, when those words were the only things that filled my head, my mind and my heart? Just because with that it wouldn't be as easy to back out as college? Why not give it try? Everything is about trying! Life is about trying, every day, every hour, every minute, hell, every second!

Life. Live!

The only decision that really was and probably counts as a decision was leaving Ben. Back then, I was sure I wasn't right for him. Hell, I didn't really consider getting him back before the day we'd met in that club and spent the night together! Even when he sent me the wedding invitation. I was shocked, sure, how could you not be when a former but such important part of your life was making final decisions? Someone you truly used to care about and haven't seen in what feels like ages? Finally and romantically cutting you out of his life, with almost no chance of letting you come back? But I always knew he'd be better off without me, that's what I told myself over and over again. I was sure that he'd finally found someone trustworthy and amazing. He was definitely better off without me and that was the reason to why I left in the first place. I took responsibility for the things I did, for the things I did to him, for the decision I had made the night before I left him. I made a mistake and I decided I just wasn't right for Ben if cheating and feeling guilty for not returning the same feelings, the same love even, if that was how I felt most of the time, and so the consequences meant leaving. And I did leave. Leave New York and leave his life.

And here is the part where I lie to myself.

I want Ben back. I still love him and I just convinced myself that I didn't to the point that it was so real, that it felt so real, that it wasn't to be questioned anymore, that I truly believed that I just miraculously fell out of love with him. To the point where I could easily suppress calling his name when I was with another guy, doing things. To the point where I could visit my parents and not ask how Ben is doing, what he's doing, how he feels, what he asked my mom, how many times he wanted answers from her, answers from me, how long he still cared, how long he tried to find just a hint of where I was, how long he tried to reach and do just anything to find me. To the point where I could put him in the very back of my mind and never let him get to me again.

But leaving him was wrong. I should've talked to him. I should've tried being a better girlfriend. I should've been honest with him, like he always was with me. I should've stayed. I should've tried, at least! Maybe if I had tried, we could've made it, back then. Maybe we really could've made it, if I had only tried for one second!

I regret leaving.

I regret leaving.

I regret leaving him.

I regret running away.

I regret that I didn't tell him.

I regret that I never tried.

But I clearly don't regret that I slept with him after his bachelor party.

I don't regret that he called of his wedding.

I don't regret that he left Ashley at the altar and that she's probably the most miserable person on earth right now, though I really feel sorry for her, because I just know how hard it is to watch the one you love being with someone else, being in love with someone else.

I don't regret that I still care for him.

I don't regret that I still love him...

---

All those thoughts made me tired again. All these feelings, these thoughts I had so successfully suppressed from the day on that I left him, finally resurfacing and dragging me into a pool I've never seen before, I've never even thought of before and I've never felt before, they just wore me out entirely.

I grabbed my cell phone. Fifteen missed calls, Benjamin Roberts.

It was almost noon.

You need to talk to him. You need to tell him that you have no doubts, that you're hundred percent sure this time. You need to tell him that you still love him. You need to get him back or you'll be miserable for the rest of your life for not even trying. You'll hate yourself for not trying this time, even if it'll only be this time, but you'll regret it if you don't do it. You're in way too deep already and now you can't just back out of it again, not that you even want to. You need to tell Ben what exactly you've been longing for all those months you spent without him. It's the only chance you have left.

I quickly got out of the bed, taking some fresh clothes with me and went to the bathroom. The shower took me almost an hour. I needed to be sure. I knew I couldn't just lead Ben on again and then disappoint him all over again. (If he still wanted to be led on, that was. But I had to abandon the thought that he didn't want to anymore. I had to have faith that he would try again, try the us again, or I could just crawl back into bed and hide forever...)

Everything seemed to consist of again's and again's in my life, everything repeating but nothing going on till the end.

I needed to really try this time. To try and see, and finally put an end to it all, to the love I still feel for Ben, even if it ends positive or negative, me being with him, or finally ending the chapter of us. It's actually ridiculous that only now it really occurs to me that this thing between me and Ben, this undeniable connection never really ended. It would've, at the wedding yesterday. But somehow, it didn't, and I had to find out why. I had to tell him. I had to find out if our chapter was going on or if the book ended here and was never to be opened again.

"Morning E, you're up way too early for the noise I heard last night," Jenna grinned as I sat down at the kitchen table, all dressed and ready, a huge cup of coffee between my hands. "I'm repeating my question from yesterday. You two are together again?"

"No, we're not," I replied and she opened her mouth to protest. "And the noise you heard last night's called Nathan," I said and her mouth formed and O.

"But, you were at the wedding yesterday, right?" she asked, her brows furrowed. "Don' tell me you weren't! Is Nathan the twin of Ben maybe? That would be so creepy. But hot right the same."

"Yep, I was. And no, he isn't."

"So, Ben and that girl got married?" she asked, slowly, trying to test the grounds.

"No."

"Okay, so, let me re-consider what you just said. You were at the wedding, check. Ben didn't marry Ashley, check," she looked at me for confirmation and I briefly nodded. "You slept with Nathan, instead of Ben, check..." She was thinking hard, every word slowly dripping from her mouth as if she was missing the point. "Honestly? I really don't understand just anything you do, Elaine," she murmured.

I took a huge sip from the cup before I began. "When I was at the chapel, Ashley was crying her eyes out. I ran away," I sighed at the image that played so vividly in my mind again. "And when I was almost home again, I saw Ben on the hotel steps where we'd spent the night." His beautiful face appeared right in front of me, the gorgeous smile not leaving his lips, his hand motioning for me to walk over to him, into his outstretched arms. "I was lost, completely, and I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what I wanted, I didn't know what these feelings were doing to me, and so I just went home. But being here, left to only my thoughts and the images and these new feelings, I just couldn't stand being here, being alone, with the voices in my head way too loud and way too overwhelming. But I just couldn't face Ben either. So I went to that bar down the street, and then there was Nathan," I could clearly remember how he told me stories of his dad and I just couldn't believe that he could be so happy about the funeral. "And then there was alcohol," I shook my head. "A lot of alcohol, and this feeling of being lonely together, or together lonely, and yeah," I said. I was surprised by how calmly I could tell her this. I thought I was going to burst into tears, but there weren't any. They've all been shed this morning already, and yesterday. My voice was stable and calm and everything, paradoxically though, made sense. It made sense because I was sure. Well, technically it didn't make just any sense but – for the first time I was sure that I wanted something. That I wanted to be with Ben again. That there was something worth to try for. That there was something I truly wanted. That there was Ben and that we were meant to be, that we are meant to be and that I had to try.

"I'm sorry Elaine," she said as she took my hand and smiled at me, her words thick with sympathy.

I smiled right back at her, "Thanks, but there's nothing to be sorry for."

"What? I... I don't understand," she said. "You're not with Ben, and I'm sorry for that, I really am, because I saw you suffer, I see you suffer. I always knew that there was something big you were hiding from me, I just couldn't place it. But when you, you of all people who always hated relationships with a passion, and who hated me for every time I tried to hook you up, and mind you, those were great guys," I lifted my eyebrows at her and smirked, "Let's just forget that ever happened," she murmured. "But when you couldn't seem to find words when that invitation," I cringed at the word and thought of it, "was in your hands and fell to the ground and you almost converted into a stone, I just knew that this secret of yours had something to with it, and with love and a former relationship."

"I'm sorry I never told you, there are so many things I kept from you, even if Ben was the biggest of all, and I'm truly sorry. I just wanted to start new, I wanted to forget everything. That's why I never told you anything, just the usual. I just wanted to forget. And just then he has to plop back into my life," I gave a quick laugh.

"You love him, don't you?" she asked, but it sounded more like a statement.

I hesitated and thought about it for a moment. His beautiful face appeared in front of my vision again, the dazzling green eyes full of love, smiling at me. "Yeah," I smiled. "I love him, always have and probably always will," I sighed again.

"Sweetie, you always knew you wanted Ben. It was always him. I was always wondering how you kept up with the partying and the random guys. When you came here, you didn't really seem like someone into that thing, into these flings, like me," she said. "But I was almost convinced when you always turned down guys who were up for more than a one night stand, how you kept going and going and never rested. How easily you ran away, not just from guys, but from life in general, and how you never seemed to care."

"I guess I was distracting myself. No, I needed to distract myself and I did a pretty good job in forcing Ben out of my life and out of my mind with that," I trailed off.

"Sometimes it just takes a while to figure out what you really want, I guess," Jenna said and sipped from her cup.

I smiled. "That has to be the most honest conversation I've ever had in my life," I laughed.

"I'm glad I could share that one with you, though I doubt that it was the last most honest conversation you had in your life," she said and looked at me with her green eyes, her eyebrows furrowed.

"I know," I almost whispered.

"Then go already, don't waste more time than you already have," she smiled encouragingly, got up and pulled me into one of those heartwarming hugs you always see on TV. "I'm sure everything will be worth it."

"Thanks," I said as I closed my eyes and let go of her. "You really are a good friend, and I'm glad I can finally be honest with you, not that me lying to you was ever your fault," I said and smiled.

"Like I care," she laughed and intentionally rolled her eyes at me. "Now go. And come back home with good news, or I really have to kick his sorry ass this time," she grinned and I smiled at the image of Jenna kicking Ben, it was just too easy to imagine her doing that.

"That's so like you, Jenna. But I wouldn't want it any other way," I called and laughed as I went for the door, grabbing my purse and keys on the way before I stopped and turned back to her. "And please tell Nathan that I'll talk to him later, okay? No wait, that I will definitely talk to him later. He deserves an explanation, he really does. And Jenna, please don't try anything on him, he's a good guy, okay?" I grinned to myself.

She held up her hands in defense. "Please, even I of all people do have a little decency left," she laughed. "Hard to imagine, but true," she said more to herself than me. "God, do I really have to shove you out of the door and into him?" she exclaimed and grabbed me by the shoulders, slightly pushing at me, aiming for the door.

And when I opened it, there stood Ben, gorgeous as ever, holding up his hand just in second to knock, looking at me with glimmer in his eyes and a small smile playing at his lips and I could swear that my heart skipped a beat, or two when a slight "Hey," left his lips.

And before I could get only one word from my lips, the door to my room opened and Nathan stood in the doorway with only his boxers and a smirk plastered onto his face, rubbing the sleep from his eyes before he spoke, "Elaine darling, where do you think you're going?"

And when I turned back around, I could see Jenna still standing next to me, her mouth back to an O, staring from Ben to Nathan and to me, and back.

And when I looked at Ben again, with pleading eyes, his expression had changed abruptly, his face full of anger and disappointment, glaring at me, and all my regrets and doubts and fears and insecurities were back where they always belonged.

And suddenly the world around me went into some kind of slow motion, with my head spinning between the faces that were staring at me, turning everything into a big blur of black and nothingness.