I was not normally an on time person; actually it was not completely uncommon for me to be late sometimes. However considering the fact that this was the first day of my sparkling new job, I didn't want my pretty new bosses to think I was lazy, unpunctual, and an icky face loser. Oh and really immature.

I rushed the billion stairs that my new office building acquired, because you know those days where your like "oh my god, I'm late, thank god there is an elevator!" and the elevator is all like "fuck you, I'm an elevator!" and decides not to work? Yeah, it was one of those days, woohoo technology!

I was not that late anyways, it was only..shit 10:00! Great, I'm an hour late. In all fairness my morning was like the morning from hell. I woke up to my spiteful kitty biting on my toe that actually, contrary to popular belief, is attached to my body. I checked my alarm clock if that is what you are thinking. I checked it, I checked it twice! I'm convinced my evil alarm clock is just really conspiring with my psycho mom from Utah whose life goal is for me to marry Steve the local Butcher to get discounts off meat. I knew screechy Sarah was a traitor since the day I brought her home; she is the fucking Benedict Arnold of alarm clocks!

But like I was saying, Sarah was all like "oh my god, I'm 8 o'clock", but really she was 9, she was just pretending to be a different number, just like those creepy old women at the bars that are all like "I'm 25, look at how perky my boobs are!" but really are all 52, and their boobies are saggy. So Sarah that bitch fucked me over on my first day, well her and the hangover from the night before. What? I was celebrating my new job, besides it was only three margaritas! And by three, I really mean five, but who actually counts anyways?

By the time I had made it to my office, which happened to be ten minutes later, my hair was having a party of its own, I was sweating like a man, and I grew a third arm. I didn't actually grow a third arm, but wouldn't that be fucking awesome? I gleefully spun in my chair, it was the first day of my new job and spinning in your office chair is part of the first day job rules. As I was spinning around like a maniac, I was totally getting into it, I heard the door to my office open. I turned around to see a middle aged short woman giving me quizzical glances. What, did I have something on my face? Oh right, still spinning around my chair.

"Yes, how may I help you?" I asked in my most professional voice, however, it pretty hard to appear mature when someone just witnessed me spin in a chair.

"Yes, Mr. West would like to see you in his office." She replied sweetly.

I guess she was my secretary? I wonder if she likes me. I am wearing pink shoes. Pink shoes are the universal like me device. It's true, I read it in Vogue. She seemed fabulous. Her nametag said Teresa. I knew a Teresa, she was a bitch though. But I'm sure this Teresa was nice, I just feel these things.

I departed from my office, Teresa in tow, preparing to meet my new boss. Yes, I actually haven't met him yet. I was sort of excited. His name was Kennedy Forbes West. Isn't that the most pretentious name you have ever heard? I pictured him being this sassy old man, with pretty fluffy grey hair, and a cane. And some snake skin boots, with a lightening bolt scar on his forehead. Except really minus the lightening bolt scar.