13Quiet moonlight at the window pane -
.
I smell the washing powder on your bed sheets and
the soap on your skin, the scrape of stubble against
my turned cheek, as I press my eyelids together
to crush strays and pray you won't detect them.
I grasp your body to ground me when
my head seems uncomfortably
disconnected, inaccessible
and your breath is coarse when you murmur
the words I crave, I do want you, I think
about you every day but
.
the connotation is intangible and impossible,
involuntarily forcing my quivering lip, I disregard
the thoughtfulness in your voice and reflect only of the ice
I use to preserve the life in my restless mind
I draw your arms around me like an old comforting coat
and try not to consider all the ways I'm letting you down
Try not to imagine the ways I should
damage myself for disappointing you and I
helplessly drown in your expectant arms
and your hot lips on my forehead. I know you struggle
to identify and when I say I do love you it's mostly
not a lie, but some fundamental part of my being
knows I cannot give myself to you the way you deserve
and my wretchedness drips desperately onto the pillow
where you won't feel it.
.
And then -
hysterically I hurt, all the despair I've
condensed in to my mouth and my lungs
finally liberates as I sob wildly, your
anxious fingers knotting through my pathetic new haircut,
the style I chose only for you and the style I knew you
would never notice, as I strangle the sound so no one
but you can hear and the relentless intake of breath ricochets
in the stale air, raw and ridiculous.
.
It's only twenty-two minutes past midnight when at last
I curl up and tremble in your arms and whisper I don't
want to hate myself anymore, more to myself than to you
and your grief afterwards weighs more on my laden heart
than the hush in which I beg noiselessly for mercy
For him - I do love you.
This is probably the last from me for a while... I've lost my marbles somewhere. Need to find them pretty quickly.
I don't know if this is any good at all, wrote it in a haze and have uploaded it without checking it for stupidity. So please leave feedback/concrit/hate mail/ love etc. Thanks for reading x