Quiet moonlight at the window pane -


I smell the washing powder on your bed sheets and

the soap on your skin, the scrape of stubble against

my turned cheek, as I press my eyelids together

to crush strays and pray you won't detect them.

I grasp your body to ground me when

my head seems uncomfortably

disconnected, inaccessible

and your breath is coarse when you murmur

the words I crave, I do want you, I think

about you every day but


the connotation is intangible and impossible,

involuntarily forcing my quivering lip, I disregard

the thoughtfulness in your voice and reflect only of the ice

I use to preserve the life in my restless mind

I draw your arms around me like an old comforting coat

and try not to consider all the ways I'm letting you down

Try not to imagine the ways I should

damage myself for disappointing you and I

helplessly drown in your expectant arms

and your hot lips on my forehead. I know you struggle

to identify and when I say I do love you it's mostly

not a lie, but some fundamental part of my being

knows I cannot give myself to you the way you deserve

and my wretchedness drips desperately onto the pillow

where you won't feel it.


And then -

hysterically I hurt, all the despair I've

condensed in to my mouth and my lungs

finally liberates as I sob wildly, your

anxious fingers knotting through my pathetic new haircut,

the style I chose only for you and the style I knew you

would never notice, as I strangle the sound so no one

but you can hear and the relentless intake of breath ricochets

in the stale air, raw and ridiculous.


It's only twenty-two minutes past midnight when at last

I curl up and tremble in your arms and whisper I don't

want to hate myself anymore, more to myself than to you

and your grief afterwards weighs more on my laden heart

than the hush in which I beg noiselessly for mercy

For him - I do love you.

This is probably the last from me for a while... I've lost my marbles somewhere. Need to find them pretty quickly.

I don't know if this is any good at all, wrote it in a haze and have uploaded it without checking it for stupidity. So please leave feedback/concrit/hate mail/ love etc. Thanks for reading x