3"On The Wire"
By Nilah E. Rose
Synopsis:
Lillian wants to be a tightrope walker but is afraid of disapproval from her parents and siblings, who are all ambitious geniuses. Tricking the Ring Master and her parents both, she attempts to fool her parents into thinking he's a college scout, and the Ring Master into thinking he's getting permission for her tightrope apprenticeship. The dinner ends in disaster and she must reveal her true goal to her family.
Act 1
(Living room, TYLER is in armchair reading a book, KEVIN is on the couch watching the television, Down Stage Right KAILY is playing with dolls. CAROLINE comes in stage Right with coffee and a laptop in hand)
CAROLINE:
What are you reading? (Sits on couch next to KEVIN)
TYLER:"History of Algebra"
CAROLINE:
Are you-?
TYLER:
Mom, I'm trying to read. You said you don't want me to be secluded in my room. I know there's only a 7 percent chance of you leaving my completely alone, but I'd appreciate it if you would allow me to read in peace.
CAROLINE:
I need to log in some of my research anyway. Anything interesting on the News, Sweetie? (turns to KEVIN)
KEVIN:
Nothing the abysmal political decisions have not been leading up to for the passed 15 years.
CAROLINE:
Lovely.
KEVIN:
What about you? Have you written up your lab report? Dr. George will want a full make up of the chemical reaction that we formed-(KAILY shrieks)
KAILY:
(runs to CAROLINE) Mommy, Mommy! Zeus chewed up Aphrodite's tibialis anterior!
CAROLINE:
Oh Goodness, let me see.
KEVIN:
He is merely the average canine, do not get too upset.
KAILY:
But daddy…!
CAROLINE:
(inspects doll) It's …rather mangled, baby…
KAILY:
(wails) Her Patellar Ligament area is ruined! She's malformed!
TYLER:
When one owns a dog, there is an 89 percent chance that they will wet the carpet, a 74 percent chance they will mar clothing by jumping on you with dirt paws, and an 87 percent chance they will chew up a possession, such as shoes-(looks at KAILY, smirking) or toys.
KAILY:
I know just where to punch you where you'll hurt for weeks!
KEVIN:
That reminds me, have you been practicing your arteries? Do you know where to knick him so he'll bleed out?
CAROLINE:
Kevin! (scathingly)
KAILY:
Sure do, daddy!
Kevin:
Show me what you can do.
Kaily:
Left coronary, right coronary, Ascending aorta, descending aorta-
KEVIN:
-What!? I'm encouraging her growth!
CAROLINE:
You're teaching her how to most affectively murder our son!
KEVIN:
I meant 'he' as a general term!
KAILY:
-Brachiocephalic, Dan Gardner, Circumflex, Aortic Arch -
CAROLINE:
-For someone with an I.O. of 180 you sure are stupid when it comes to what's appropriate to say to your children.
TYLER:
Don't worry, mom, there's only a .09 percent chance of dad allowing Kaily to cut one of my major arteries, and even less of a chance that he'd stand there and watch me bleed to death.
CAROLINE:
How reassuring.
KAILY:
-Internal carotid, external carotid, axillary-
KEVIN:
-Why are you blaming me? I'm tuning out daughter's knowledge of anatomy!
KAILY:
-Abdominal aorta, SMA, IMA-(cuts herself off when Lillian walks in) Lily! (runs up and hugs her)
LILLIAN:
Hey, Kaily…what's going on?
CAROLINE:
Nothing, nothing. How was the meeting at Rebecca's house, Lillian?
KEVIN:
Everything going according to plan?
LILLIAN:
Of course. All the seniors are really serious about it, last high school experience after all…is something wrong?
KEVIN:
We were just having a conversation-
KAILY:
About where to cut Tyler, if I wanted to kill him real fast.
LILLIAN:
And I missed out?
TYLER:
(stands and closes book) Thank goodness you're here.
LILLIAN:
(smiles) Miss me?
TYLER:
When you're here there's only a 17 percent chance of there being that sort of 'conversation' as opposed to the 37 percent otherwise. Not to mention, the probability that I'll be left completely alone raises to 15 percent when you walk into the room. My gladness is purely selfish, I assure you. (exits stage Right))
LILLIAN:
Love you too, brother dearest!
CAROLINE:
Wasn't Rebecca staying over for dinner? Where is she?
LILLIAN:
She is, she's just parking her car somewhere…the only place left was in front of a fire hydrant and, well, you know her.
KEVIN:
Rebecca is a good kid. Not brilliant, like you, of course…
LILLIAN:
(scathingly) Dad!
CAROLINE:
Don't insult other people's intelligence. Just because our baby's valedictorian doesn't mean she's any better than anyone else…
KEVIN:The hell it doesn't
KAILY:
(giggling) Wanna play with dolls? We can't used Aphrodite though, she's ugly now. (pouts)
LILLIAN:
Sure, Rebecca can play too. Get the play hospital ready and I'll be in there soon.
KAILY:
(gleefully) Okay! (leaves stage Right. REBECCA comes in stage left)
REBECCA:
You tell them yet?
KEVIN:
Tell us what? (CAROLINE looks up questioningly)
LILLIAN:
Weeeell…a scout for Double U was there, saw me at a debate at one point, and wanted to recruit me!
CAROLINE:
Double-U?
KEVIN:
Ulysses University, of course! It is only the top rated University in the state. Do you not watch the News?
CAROLINE:Not as obsessively as you, sweetie. I know what it is, I just didn't know it under that mnemonic device…(to LILLIAN) That's wonderful, darling.
REBECCA:
She didn't tell you the best part!
CAROLINE:
Oh?
KEVIN:
What's that?
LILLIAN:
Well, you see-
REBECCA:
He wants to come have dinner with your family to talk about the apprenticeship he can give her!
LILLIAN:
I'm glad I could be the one to brake it to you.
REBECCA:
(sheepishly) Sorry.
CAROLINE:
He does? Oh, that's wonderful, dear! (stands)
LILLIAN:
You sure it's okay? It's sort of last minute…
KEVIN:
Of course it's okay! This is Double U we're talking about. Do you know how hard it is to get in there, especially under the Law Program? And they have a fantastic basketball team. Why, I was just watching the News and it said-
CAROLINE:
-Yes, Dear, we understand. (to LILLIAN) Now, what time did you tell him to come?
LILLIAN:
Seven.
CAROLINE:
(checks watch) Gracious! That's three hours away. I'll start cooking right away. (leaves stage right)
KEVIN:
(stands and starts out, saying to LILLIAN and REBECCA) I hope she doesn't cook the meatballs; that won't get you into Double U.
CAROLINE:(peeks back in, glaring) I can hear, you know. Just for that, you can help. (groaning, KEVIN follows her out stage Right)
REBECCA:
See? Was that so hard? (crosses to couch)
LILLIAN:
No…But I don't like lying to them.
REBECCA:
(scoffs) You do it enough. Ever since you were ten and your got your I.Q. test back, remember?
LILLIAN:
No, I don't, shut up.
REBECCA:
It was only a 112, but with a fine-tip sharpie marker, you made it look like a 172.
LILLIAN:
Shut up. (throws pillow at her)
REBECCA:
You really think your parents would care? You're still the best student ever.
LILLIAN:
That's not good enough. Tyler's I.Q. was 175 last time we checked, and Kaily just got her results back last month: 183! You think a measly old average mind like mine would impress them? I don't even want to be an attorney.
REBECCA:
You're dad's a little uptight, but I don't think they'd mind that you don't want to be a lawyer.
LILLIAN:
No…but they would care about what I do want to be. No intelligence required whatsoever, even looked down upon, as though only people without a brain can do it…
REBECCA:
C'mon, don't exaggerate! It's a perfectly normal passion!
LILLIAN:
Tight rope walking? That is perfectly normal for a career choice? I didn't even see that on the career placement test as an option!
REBECCA:
(sighing) Look, you've already decided it, haven't you? (stands and walks over to LILLIAN) You've gone though all this trouble, contacting the Ring Master for an apprenticeship and everything…
LILLIAN:
And telling my parents that he's a college scout. Is that okay?
REBECCA:
If it's the only way you can do what you love to do…then yes. Don't you love it?
LILLIAN:
Yes…Ever since they took me to the circus when I was twelve, I've been fascinated by it…the fact that I'm actually talented at it as well…Do you know what it's like to be up there?
REBECCA:
Nauseating?
LILLIAN:
Doesn't work if you're scared of heights, I guess…but it's like flying.
REBECCA:
Very nauseating?
LILLIAN:
No. Like…walking on air. (mimes tight rope walking on the ground) Y'know, Leonardo da Vinci said something like "When you've tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
REBECCA:
See? This is a good thing you're doing, for yourself.
LILLIAN:
I wish my birthday were sooner-I'd be eighteen, and then I wouldn't have to trick my parents into agreeing to the apprenticeship at all. (pauses and sighs) My sister is probably tired of waiting for us by now-I promised we'd play with her. C'mon. (starts out stage right)
REBECCA:
Don't worry so much. The lie is worth it, and I'm going to help you pull it off. (walks out after LILLIAN)
/Three Hours Later/
(TYLER is once again reading in the living room, it is a different book. The doorbell rings and he sighs heavily, before shutting the door and walking over to it and opening it)
TYLER:
You're Lillian's guest…(lets DON in)
DON:
I am, and you must be Tyler. (looks around) Something smells wonderful. I rarely get a home cooked meal.
TYLER:
Only 26 percent of the American population gets a home cooked meal every week nowadays.
DON:
(amused) Is that so? What an interesting fact…
TYLER:
I'll go get the rest of them…there's a 86 percent chance that mother is done with dinner by now. (exits stage Right)
DON:
What an interesting boy…Lillian wasn't exaggerating…(LILLIAN enters from stage right with plates and cups to set the table) Hello.
LILLIAN:
Dr. Greyson, how are you, sir? (sets table)
DON:
Fabulous. The team of unicyclists have gotten a new routine down. It looks marvelous,, should be ready for our next showing.
LILLIAN:
Great! When I saw it they were already a good team together, so synchronized… (KEVIN enters stage right) Hey, Dad. Mr. Greyson, my father Kevin Blaine.
DON:
Nice to meet you, Mr. Blaine. (shake hands)
KEVIN:
Likewise. I heard you talking about a team? I heard your team is impeccable.
DON:
It is rather good, I must say. They're quick on their feet, high jumpers.
KEVIN:
I hear they're good with the balls, too.
DON:
Yes, juggling is a specialty of their's as well.
KEVIN:
Juggling? That's an interesting way of putting it. (CAROLINE enters with tray of food) Tuna casserole, my favorite. Please take a seat, Dr. Greyson. (sits)
CAROLINE:
Tyler! Kaily! Rebecca! Dinner's ready! (calls at door on stage right)
LILLIAN:
(DON sits and LILLIAN takes a seat next to him) What would you like first, sir?
DON:It all looks so good.
CAROLINE:
Do they not have good food on Campus? (sits down)
DON:
Campus?
LILLIAN:
Y-Yes, you know, like, the camp…
DON:
Oh, of course! The campsite. They have fine food, but many times I'm too busy to stop to get anything that isn't quick.
KEVIN:
It must be a busy life, being the director such an organization. (KAILY and REBECCA enter stage Right)
REBECCA:
Oops, only one seat left. That's all right, I'll sit on the floor…(takes a plate and sits)
KAILY:
You're so silly! Won't your gluteus maximus get sore that way?
DON:
Nonsense! It's actually a refreshing change of scenery.
KEVIN:
Speaking of scenery, how is the area?
LILLIAN:
At the campsite. (REBECCA giggles)
DON:
Oh, it's a nice enough area of town. We always make sure we're not putting our people in danger.
CAROLINE:
We must admit, we were ecstatic when Lillian told us about you. This has always been her dream.
KEVIN:
She's worked very hard to get to the level she's at now.
DON:
She's very talented. You do know she'll have to go to even greater heights than she ever has before.
KEVIN:
No worries, Lillian's always been good at climbing the latter.
DON:
Of course we do have safety nets in case she falls.
KAILY:
Like Doctors!? I'm gonna be a doctor! Want me to name all the diseases most prevalent in North America? 'Cause I can!
CAROLINE:
I think he means more like a support system, sweetie. (pats KAILY)
DON:
We have a nurse-she's a fire breather.
KEVIN:
(laughs) I've met a woman or two like that in my day …(TYLER enters, still reading a book, walking over to the couch)
CAROLINE:
Nice of you to join us. Dr. Greyson, I believe you've met Tyler. Why don't you get something to eat, dear?
TYLER:
I don't eat anything with a face. Due to the chemical 'enhancements' in today's foods, food born illness comes from meat 67 percent of the time.
KAILY:
It's rude not to eat what's given to you! You're gonna get malnourished and jaundiced and your hair will fall out.
LILLIAN:
Don't predict such horrible things. It's perfectly normal to be a vegetarian.
KAILY:
But it's the most common cause of lack of protein, vitamin B deficiency and-
TYLER:
Shut up already, you brat. There's an 80 percent chance your Barbie's will end up melted mysteriously in my chemistry set if you don't stop making my ears ring with your obnoxiously high-pitched voice.
KAILY:
(stands) I'll kick you in your ossa coxae!
DON:
Where in the world is that located?
CAROLINE:
(sighs)You don't want to know.
DON:
I'll take your word for it. (chuckles)
KEVIN:
Children, will you stop fighting in front of our guest?
TYLER:
Whatever. There was a 92 percent chance Lillian would go there even without his apprenticeship.
REBECCA:
That doesn't mean you should sabotage this for her…
TYLER:I'm not, I'm just trying to read. I knew I should have stayed in my room, I calculated that something like this would happen…
CAROLINE:
I'm sorry about this. Kaily, please sit down quietly and finish eating. (KAILY sits, pouting) Tyler, if you're not going to eat, you may go to your room. (TYLER promptly leaves) Now, let's continue with our dinner…
KEVIN:
All right…What sort of things would she be expected to do as an apprentice?
DON:
Many things. She'd observe the other more experienced peers around her, as well as have many one-on-one practice sessions with me before actually executing it in public. At first she'd most likely do odd jobs for me, and…
KAILY:
All my doctor dolls have stethoscopes, why don't you have a stethoscope if you're a doctor?
CAROLINE:
Sweetie, please, shh.
KEVIN:
There are different types of doctors, I'll explain it more later. Anyway, you were saying?
DON:
Oh no, but it's a fantastic question! It's because (stands and poses)… I'm the amazing, the fantastic-and slightly terrifying-Doctor Grey!
KEVIN:
I'm sorry…what?
CAROLINE:
I'm afraid I don't understand.
REBECCA:
(stands and crosses to DON) He's very excited about his job, that's all.
LILLIAN:
(laughs nervously) Exactly. He's just the kind of driven man I should be looking up to, don't you think, daddy?
KEVIN:
(suspiciously) I suppose…(TYLER reenters stage Right)
TYLER:
What's all the yelling about?
CAROLINE:
That was just Dr. Greyson fooling around, dear. Well, I think it's great that a successful man like you can still manage to have a sense of humor, unlike some people. (glances at KEVIN)
TYLER:
He was fooling around about being a famous Ring Master?
LILLIAN:
No…He was-
REBECCA:
Kidding. You should try it some time.
KEVIN:
Ring Master? What are you talking about?
DON:
Don't you know?
TYLER:Doctor Grey is a Ring Master in town with his circus…I've only seen pictures of him with his makeup on. Now that I look…(peers closely at DON)there's a 99 percent chance that Dr. Greyson is Doctor Grey.
KAILY:
Ooohh! I love the circus! You know, the elephants have more bones than humans but less muscles?
DON:
Of course I'm Doctor Grey, I just said so! Who else?
CAROLINE:
I'm confused. Aren't you a Doctor?
LILLIAN:
It's perfectly explainable-
DON:
Not a real Doctor, As I just told you. It's my stage name. I'm the amazing, the fantastic-and slightly terrifying-Doctor Grey!
REBECCA:
As I said, very passionate about what he does. Look at the time! It's late, Dr. Greyson, you should get back. (begins leading him to the door)
KEVIN:
Wait, wait. Why would a Ring Master be a director at Ulysses University!? That's not logical in the least!
DON:
What? I'm no such thing, I'm simply the Ring Master of an excellent traveling circus, whoever told you otherwise? (long pause, and everyone looks at LILLIAN)
REBECCA:
Who want's desert? Mrs. Blaine made apple pie!
KEVIN:
Lillian Marie Blaine, what is going on?
REBECCA:
There's vanilla ice cream too!
KAILY:
I want some!
REBECCA:
That's it! Any more takers?
CAROLINE:
Rebecca. (chastising) Lillian…what's going on here?
DON:
I think I understand…Would you like to tell them, or shall I, Lillian?
LILLIAN:
No…I'll tell them…
DON:
I'll wait outside to see what you decide. You must remember, we leave for Atlanta tomorrow morning. (LILLIAN nods, and DON exits stage left)
KEVIN:Young lady, what do you have to say?
CAROLINE:
Why would you lie to us?
LILLIA:
(sighing) I figured if you thought he was a college scout…you would think I was headed off to college and he would think you'd given your permission.
KEVIN:
We're geniuses,why did you think that would work out?
LILLIAN:
You're geniuses, dad! You, mom, Kaily and Tyler, but I'm not!
CAROLINE:
What do you mean, sweetie? You're just as smart as the rest of us.
LILLIAN:
I forged my I.Q. test scores! (CAROLINE, TYLER and KEVIN give a simultaneous 'What!?') I'm not a genius, my I.Q. wasn't a 172, it was a 112, which is just barely above average.
KEVIN:
But…you're…valedictorian…
REBECCA:Do you know how hard she worked to get that? To fake that she was as good as you were?
TYLER:
…With that much of a deficiency, Lillian would have had to put 42 percent more effort into studying than Kaily and I.
LILLIAN:
I pretended to be doing other things instead of studying, so that you would think it came easily to me. Sometimes I got very little sleep when I was trying to learn something difficult, so I wouldn't have to ask one of you….Like Algebra. Algebra was really hard.
KAILY:
Algebra's easy!
REBECCA:
Shut up, baby Einstein, you're showing off.
KEVIN:
Okay, so…you're not a genius. That's not the end of the world, Lillian, you're still a magnificent student, obviously. You will do well in the Law Program either way-
LILLIAN:You don't get it! I don't want to be an attorney!
CAROLINE:
So what is it you do want to be?
LILLIAN:
I want to be…a tightrope walker.
TYLER:
(long pause) …No, seriously.
KAILY:But why?
LILLIAN:
Because I love it. It's fun, being up there and walking above what seems like the whole world, people watching with awe…It's what I've wanted to do for a long time. The only thing I want to do.
CAROLINE:
You shouldn't have lied to us, we would have understood. I can't say it's not strange, but…
KEVIN:
Are you crazy? You really think we're going to let you go off with some carnie and his band of weirdoes?
CAROLINE:
Kevin, stop being so judgmental.
KEVIN:Do you know what it says on the News about circuses?
LILLIAN:
I don't care! Dr. Greyson is a perfectly respectable person, it's an honor that he's going to take me on!
REBECCA:
It really is…there was a whole application process and everything…
CAROLINE:Kevin is exaggerating, anywhere else is just as dangerous. Like Dr. Greyson said, there are safety nets as well.
KEVIN:
Are you actually okay with this?
TYLER:
There's a 17 percent chance she'll fall during a major show, and even on a safety net there is a 34 percent chance of injury.
KAILY:
You just living here with me and being such a jerk gives you a 34 percent chance of injury!
TYLER:
Actually, that's only a 12 percent chance.
KAILY:
Oh shut up! (turns to LILLIAN) I'm totally okay with that, Lily! I like the circus, so it'll be cool to say my sister works there.
KEVIN:
You can't be serious. Caroline, you have to see reason, we can't just allow her to do this!
CAROLINE:
Stop being so obsessed with reason and start to care a little more about emotion! This is what will make our daughter happy. Doesn't that matter?
KEVIN:
Well, yes, but…she was always talking about being a lawyer.
REBECCA:
Law bores her. She can't even sit through Judge Judy without falling asleep.
LILLIAN:
It's true. I just want to tight rope walk, dad, and this may be the only chance I get to do it. They leave tomorrow, and if I don't go, he takes on someone else as his apprentice instead.
CAROLINE:
She's an adult now, honey. If this is her passion, we can't do anything to stand in her way, that's just…not fair to her. (turns to LILLIAN) You have my permission.
TYLER:
You're leaving, then. (pauses) Well…since there's a 96 percent chance you'll visit us, I guess I don't have to miss you too much. (walks out stage Right)
REBECCA:
For him, that's almost sweet.
KAILY:
Almost. Humph. Weeeell. I'm gonna miss you lots, but since you would have been going away to college anyway…At least I know you'll be having fun now. But don't hurt yourself! Do you know how many bones you could break falling from that high!?
LILLIAN:
I'm sure you'll tell us. (smiles)
KAILY:
Every one! The clavicle, the scapula, the sternum, the humorous-
CAROLINE:
I'll miss you, baby. (hugs LILLIAN and then leads KAILY out stage right)
KAILY:
-the cervical vertebrae, the lumbar vertebrae, the thoracic vertebrae…
KEVIN:
Rebecca, do you mind? I'd like to have a word with my daughter.
REBECCA:
Nope, go ahead.
LILLIAN:
I think he means alone. Could you go help mom entertain Kaily?
REBECCA:Sure. And I'll drive you to the campsite in the morning when he agrees to it.
KEVIN:
If he agrees to it.
REBECCA:
When! (walks out stage Right)
LILLIAN:
Does the fact that you're actually entertaining it as a valid option mean you're considering it?
KEVIN:
I'm not sure. I feel hypocritical, saying flat out no.
LILLIAN:
Why?
KEVIN:
When I was your age, I wanted to be a politician. You know, to change the world, to debate and compete and win. But your grandpa, you know, he hates politicians. Wouldn't stand for it.
LILLIAN:
So…you're saying yes?
KEVIN:I'm saying I don't like it, but I understand what you're going through. I don't want you to become an attorney for the same reasons I became a scientist.
LILLIAN:
Is that a yes?
KEVIN:Yes, that's a yes. (LILLIAN squeals happily and hugs him)
LILLIAN:Thank you!
KEVIN:
Like your mother said, you are an adult, it is your choice. I do not care that you are not a genius, but I am slightly disappointed that you will not fully utilize your skills…But if tightrope walking is what really makes you happy…I cannot deny you it and call myself a good parent. (DON walks back in stage Left)
DON:
My ride is here. Shall I expect you in the morning? (LILLIAN looks at her dad)
KEVIN:Indeed.
DON:
Wonderful! Are you excited? Soon, you'll get to perform with the amazing, the fantastic-and slighty-
KEVIN:
-Slightly redundant. We get it already.
DON:
Yes, well… see you then, Lillian. Good evening, Mr. Blaine. (exits stage Left)
LILLIAN:
I suppose I should get some sleep. We leave early.
KEVIN:
Wait one moment. I have not ever seen you do this 'walking on a rope' feat. Do you really think I would let you go when I have not even seen if you're as talented as he said. As a good parent I can't let you make a fool of yourself.
LILLIAN:
(laughs) Oh, of course.
KEVIN:
Show me what you can do. (LILLIAN mimes as though she is walking on a tightrope, her father applauds, they hug, and the light goes down. )
CURTAIN CLOSES
I'm in Drama...I wrote this The end. Please review, I guess?
:)