1The Strange Life of One Disneyasaurus Childae
The early stages of life for the Disneyasaurus childae, commonly known as the Disney child-star, are obscenely uninteresting, and therefore shouldn't be extrapolated upon. This narrator shall, in light of this, fast forward in time to when childae reaches approximately eight years of age.
At this stage, this fascinating organism enters a selective community, much akin to a pride of lions, known as "The Mickey Mouse Club". Entrance into the club requires childae to have great tact, cunning, a dedication for their holy animated rodent deity, and a mating call that conveys complete tone-deafness. The elders of the community (the ones in the furry costumes) test and brainwash each possible entrant. Childae continually echoes the mating song passed down from generation to generation via primal screetches. Only one man (Lyon Aitmee) was brave enough to capture part of this ear-piercing call: "Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me? M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E! Hey there, hi there, ho there! You're as welcome as can be! M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E!" Once the elder is assured young childae can only praise and spell Mickey's name, entrance into the community is granted. No zoologist alive has yet to capture what secluded practices consist of, but scat analysis has revealed that childae survives on a diet of rainbows and puppies. National Geographic is working on a highly technologically advanced robot to infiltrate this group's workings; it is an RC car outfitted with a camera rubber-banded to it, and disguised with Mickey-Mouse-ears, glitter, and confetti-shooters.
Unfortunately, until this highly experimental instrument is ready for use on 12/21/2012, only the occurrences later in Disneyasaurus childae's life are known. From the ages 13 to 16, the Disney child-star's faith in Mickey begins to waiver, directly resulting in a painful physical transformation. Females grow taller and develop in certain areas, while males' voices drop as their limbs lengthen; their faces also become repulsive to the community. Childae suddenly becomes aware of the outside world and desires to leave the Club, a process known as "going solo". The Club, however, knows of when childae will act on these urges.
When this fateful day arrives, the cruelest and most inhumane exiling the animal kingdom has ever witnessed occurs. The elders ask childae into their den (Cinderella's castle) for a supposed "rainbow banquet". It's here the symbiotic relationship between Disneyasaurus childae and Vannus unmarkedi (the common creeper van) can be witnessed. Upon entering the castle, childae is bound, gagged, and thrust into unmarkedi's mouth. This creature brings the child-star to "It's a Small World" and locks childae in for upwards of three weeks. Whilst trapped in the echoing caverns, the forever-droning music mentally breaks childae. Upon exiting, numerous side-effects are seen: multiple personality disorder (M. Cyrus/ H. Montana), the compulsion to shave one's head for laser deflection (B. Spears), Anorexia (L. Lohan/H. Duff), banshee song recording (L. Lohan/ H. Duff/ B. Spears), and sounding like a chipmunk (J. Timberlake).
From here, there's only one place to go, and that's to the barren plains of the tabloids of Terra Firma to live in an existence of toil, suffering, and useless technology.