1It was just a plain old average Thursday night and I was doing what I normally do on a plain old average Thursday night. Selling Doritos to bikers and Bic lighters to teenage punks, at the Stop N Shop off I-84. It's a dirty job but someone's got to do it.
I was staring at the "Everyday is Ice Cream Sundae" light up, Day-Glo novelty clock right above the singing "Don't Worry. Be Happy." mounted trout, praying that I would somehow gain the ability to bend the fabric of space with my mind and fast forward thirteen minutes. But a watched Day-Glo novelty clock moves as slow as frickin' molasses.
Please. Please. I cannot just sit here for thirteen more minutes, staring at the colorful array of breath improving gum, or the canister of expired beef jerky or the smorgasbord of girlie mags with the target audience of lowly truckers who can't even remember what a woman smells like.
Sometimes I worry that I'll snap, come to work with a rifle and shoot anyone who even glances in my general direction, grab a pack of Bubbalicious off the counter and walk out.
My manager/slash total jackass slacker who makes me do his work because I'm technically his subordinate, only because his cousin runs the store, was coming out of the 2 by 4 foot staff room where he was undoubtedly watching either new episodes of Robot Chicken or The OC. Oh crap the antichrist is heading in my direction.
He loitered around the girlie mag stand and leered at the hookerish girls over on aisle 3, like the predictable pervert before walking towards me and leaning his elbows on the countertop. "Hey Adie."
"It's Adrienne shit-head." I told him matter-of-factly.
"Now Adie is that anyway to talk to the boss-man?"
I could have said he wasn't really my boss, that he didn't have any real authority he just happened to share DNA with upper management. But in the interest of getting out of there in twelve minutes and twenty-seven seconds, I decided to go with short concise answers. "Whatever. What do you want?"
"You." That comment prompted my world famous glare of steel. Thankfully, Neil continued. "To reorganize the candy section."
There was no way I was going to get rooked into doing real work eleven minutes and fifty-eight seconds away from the end of my shift. "The candy looked fine the last time I saw them."
Neil smirked. "That's why I said RE-organize. Some biker idiots messed them up about a half hour ago."
Bastards. "The ones with the Charlie Brown tattoos?"
Neil nodded. "Those are the dudes. So, off to work you go."
"Look, Neil, I've only got-" I looked up to my Day-Glo friend. "Eleven minutes and thirty-two seconds left of my shift. Not that I was counting."
"Of course not." Neil said, with a tone that suggested he didn't believe me at all. My, oh my how could he see through my careful guise? "But here's the main thing. You clean up the candy section or you join the Mexicans in the ranks of the unemployed."
"How politically correct of you Neil."
"Go now or you're staying for twenty more minutes." Neil concluded his demands with an evil smile. "Not that you're counting."
I was about to open my big mouth to protest but just then the little bell above the door chimed annoyingly and antichrist number two waltzed in. A friend or something of mine named Danny. On crutches no less. He's been on crutches for a while. It's a long story. Actually, it's kind of short. He fell down a flight of stairs and I know that that's the excuse everyone uses for illegal injuries but this time it's true.
"Adie, hello?" Neil snapped his fingers and waved in front of my face snapping me back to reality. "Hello?"
"You know I think I will clean the candy, but I will start by mopping the staff room." I said quickly. "I'm going to get right on that."
"Hang on." Neil extended his arm to reach the wall in front of me, physically stopping me from mopping the tiny little staff room and escaping my friend or something Danny.
"What do you want boss-man?" I asked. "I'm trying to get to work."
"I know, that makes me nervous." Neil put his arm down for a second before folding both of them in front of his chest and staring suspiciously at me. "I know what your doing. Trying to act all employee of the month to distract me from something bigger. I'm ordering you to stay here and don't do any work for the next thirteen minutes."
"Technically its nine minutes and thirty-four seconds now." I retorted.
"Hey I don't need your smart mouth right now." Neil snapped pointing one crooked finger at my face. "I got to go clean the candy up now because of you."
Neil headed for the candy and halfway there turned around and gave me that whole fingers-to-the-eyes-and-then-to-me. "I'm watching you Adrienne."
"Super." I said and went back to leaning pathetically over the counter. I buried my head in my hands until I heard the annoying click of crutch on cheap linoleum. One after the other after the other in rhythmic thumping until they stopped right in front of me. Then three sharp taps, I was assuming were the sounds of a single crutch being knocked against the base of the counter I was leaning against.
"We're closed." I murmured through my hands.
"Funny that's not what the sign up front said. And you know me, I deeply trust anything written in neon."
I looked up to see stupid, temporarily crippled, smug Danny smiling that stupid lopsided grin of him.
I smiled sweetly and said, "Piss off gimp."
Danny grinned the way he usually grinned when I insulted him which made him more infuriating then he already was. "Whoa that's pretty harsh. Considering you asked me to pick you up."
I pretended to busy myself organizing the untidy row of lighters on the counter in front of me. The fact was when I started working the late shift at the Stop N Shop I needed consistent rides home, seeing as I didn't fancy being shanked by a hobo. Mom had work early in the morning, Dad's ass was permanently fused to the Lazy boy so after knowing Danny a while I asked him and he said yes. That he didn't have anything better to do. That's what sucked about being on the outs with him. It meant I was going to get bunions walking and taking the bus.
"Three months ago." I said after a minute. "And I rescinded that offer when you called me yesterday."
Danny shrugged and readjusted himself on his crutches for better leverage. "I found your wording a little ambiguous."
I used air-quotes to prevent steam from billowing out of my ears. ""Just fuck off and die"? That was too unclear for you?"
Danny shrugged. "What can I say I'm a slow learner?"
"Well let me clarify it for you. I hate your guts and I have work to do so please piss off." I finished this statement by making a b-line for the cold and hot beverage counter because the artificial sweeteners were always unorganized and I was desperate for work.
"Trying to outrun me?" Danny said, hobbling behind me, slowly but surely.
"It's not that hard anymore." I quipped.
"Hey being crippled isn't all that bad. It really works the sympathy vote with the chicks." He turned to leer at the hookerish girls still hovering around aisle three, reading the labels on the Stop N Shop's fabulous three-dollar lipsticks. "Hey ladies."
I cleared me throat and raised my voice. "I'm sorry sir, we're all out of genital blister ointment. We might get some next week."
The girls' smiles faded. They looked Danny up and down with a few "ews" and stalked off in their hooker high heels.
I continued toward the beverage counter, smiling secretly to myself. Unfortunately Danny caught up again. "Impressive c-blocking there Ad." He complimented.
"Shut up and go away." I said, navigating the artificial sweeteners into a basket in what I hoped would be an artful pattern. You know what? Screw art. I threw them all hurriedly into a basket and hoped that Danny would evaporate.
"Look I'm sorry about last week." Danny said, his words coming out rapidly and piling together in a clump. "There were…extenuating circumstances."
"You left me in a parking lot in a shady part of town at 2 in the morning."
"I'm sorry about that."
I finished with the basket and threw Danny a sarcastic line. "Oh well that changes everything."
"How many times can I say I'm sorry?" Danny said, his voice leaking with frustration.
"Well let's see it takes about two seconds, your approximate lifespan is 85, you do the math."
Danny sighed while I started rearranging everything within my line of sight. The tampons in aisle two followed by travel bottles of shaving cream and conditioner.
"I sent you that candy flower bouquet, did you get the candy flower bouquet?" He questioned.
God that candy bouquet was sooo good I almost considered forgiving him. "I got the candy flower bouquet, it was fairly cheesy and left a funny taste in my mouth."
"I thought you'd like it."
"Yeah well next time spring for some jewelry."
"C'mon Ads."
"Come here." I said and saw Danny's foolish grin out of the corner of my eye.
"What is it?" He said leaning closer.
"This." I grabbed the corner of his t-shirt sleeve and used it to mop up a little deodorant stain from the travel sized containers.
"Gee thanks." Danny said, looking down at the big white stain on his otherwise dark green shirt.
Neil arrived right next to me, interrupting my victory party. "It's twelve seconds past the end of your shift. Get out of here, you're productivity is freaking me out!"
I held up both hands in resignation. "Jesus Neil, have a cow will ya? I'm going."
Danny gave me a thumbs-up while balancing his crutches. "Great I'll bring the car around."
I smiled sweetly. "Yeah you go do that."
Danny slowing limped out the front and as soon as he was out the door I ducked behind the counter, grabbed my jacket and my purse and fled out the back exit through the staff room.
Halfway down the dirt side of the highway Danny's beat up dark red old clunker of a truck pulled up next to me and Danny's head peered out the driver's side window.
"Okay see, this whole ride thing works infinitely better if you're actually in the car."
"GO AWAY!"
"Are you really going to make me cruise alongside you the entire way home?" Danny asked, hanging his head, as if I was the annoying one.
"Well it sounds like that's your choice doesn't it?" I asked.
"Ad." Danny whined. "There aren't many things I won't do, but getting busted for driving under the speed limit happens to be one of them."
I stayed silent, mainly because I couldn't think of something witty to say.
"Oh well I guess I'll be going home." Danny said in that I'm-trying-to-sound-sincere-for-some-greater-purpose voice. "It's too bad cause I had this really cool assignment idea…"
I slowed down a little.
"It's really great, but if your not interested I guess I'll just go home."
"What's the assignment?"
"Get in the car and I'll tell ya."
"Danny."
"Adie."
"If you don't get in the next five seconds, I'm heading home." He threatened, jokingly pointing a finger at me.
"Wait." I stopped in my tracks and Danny stopped the car and grinned smugly out at me. "Hooked you didn't I?"
I stared at the dirt and pebbles on the side of the road to avoid looking at him.
"Hop in."
I sighed and continued staring at the dirt for a minute before making a decision. I perp-walked all the way around Danny's piece of shit truck and climbed in the passenger seat. While I did up my seatbelt I could feel Danny grinning arrogantly at me. He still hadn't started the car.
"What are you waiting for? Drive."
"As you wish."