Surviving Apocalypses & Co. proudly presents:

How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

By Nevva Sirvyve

Hello dear reader! My name is Nevva, and today I will be giving you a list of steps you can take to better prepare yourself for the inevitable zombie apocalypse.

Step 1: Identifying the Apocalypse

As everyone knows, the first step to surviving is to realize that there is something from which one must survive. The first sign of a zombie apocalypse might be the diminishing population in your community (due to deaths by zombies), your neighbor's sudden suspicions of your motives (they might think you are a zombie), or even the erratic movements of a large crowd in tattered clothing walking down the street and moaning "foooooooood." If you are still uncertain, you might want to check to see if the sun has been destroyed (yes that is possible—but do not be alarmed!), as light tends to give zombies headaches, and all of the brains that they eat tends to increase their intelligence to the point where they can make a sun-destroying machine.

Step 2: Reacting

A zombie apocalypse can be a very stressful situation indeed. Friends and family members could be lost to you forever, you might lose your own life, or, in the worst possible scenario, you could lose your cell phone in the madness and no longer be able to text your friends during school! The first precaution to making sure that zombies do not attack you is to lock up every inch of your house (with you inside it, of course) so that not even a weevil could get in. Then, you should watch the movie I Am Legend, starring Will Smith. Take copious notes on the methods used to deter the monsters in that movie, which were like zombie-vampire mutants. If you can survive those creatures, then you can definitely survive zombies without a problem.

Step 3: Learning About the Opponent

It is always important to know what you are up against. Compared to humans, zombies are stronger, smarter, faster, more numerous, hungrier, and uglier. Basically, if you encounter one, you don't stand a chance. Sorry. Therefore, it is extremely important (that is, if you want to live) to know how to avoid a zombie. It's fairly simple: don't go outside at night (unless they've destroyed the sun, in that case, never go outside), travel quietly if for some reason you do go outside, and bring a flashlight to shine in a zombie's eyes on the off chance you do encounter one (during a zombie apocalypse, the ration of humans to zombies will be about one to five hundred). As previously mentioned, bright light gives zombies headaches, so a flashlight will deter them.

Step 4: Defense

Basically, one should wear many layers of clothing and a helmet at all times, in case a zombie tries to gnaw on your arm or eat your brain. It might also be wise to purchase a suit of armor. You know, like in the olden days of yore. When there were dragon apocalypses.

Step 5: Confrontation

Do not be alarmed if a zombie approaches, there is a 2.5% chance that they will not eat you. After all, if every human were to be eaten, zombies would have no more food and die as well. Zombies are not stupid. They are quite aware of this fact. They just like to control the human population, that's all. So, if you see a zombie approaching, and it has already seen you, stay still. The least it could do is drool on you and nibble your arm a little. If, however, it starts to eat your brain, you might want to refer to step six below.

Step 6: Destroying a Zombie

As mentioned in step three, a human basically has no chance against a zombie because it is stronger, smarter, faster, more numerous, hungrier, and uglier. However, if you would like to vainly attempt to save yourself from becoming a zombie's next meal, you might want to try the Zombie Attack (.0001% success rate, copyright 2009, all rights reserved). First, chop the zombie into little pieces (no bigger than 1mm) with a chainsaw. Next, set fire to the pieces, and sprinkle the ashes in the ocean. Since zombies are already dead, it is very hard to kill them, and this ensures that they will not return.

(Note: You may encounter another zombie while sprinkling the previous zombie's ashes in the ocean. Surviving Apocalypses & Co. takes no responsibility for this occurrence.)

Have a pleasant day!