I haven't felt this all over the place in a long long time.

For the past week or two I've been desperately hoping I'm not going to be as fucked up as I was in Year 11 but I'm really starting to feel that that's exactly where I'm heading.

I'm scared by how much I can't remember from that purely because I was so out of things. All I can remember is feeling miserable and raging at the world. I didn't know how to make things better, and I didn't know how to get people to make them better for me.

I'm still friends with pretty much everyone from that time in my life. I think I still hate them for what they were like back then.

They didn't care. I was absolutely at my worst and no matter how much I ranted on the blog that they all read, it didn't make any difference.

And then when next year I was somehow starting to get better. I don't know how it happened. But I'd spent a whole year just not feeling much apart from angst and I started to feel like maybe things might be ok again.

But of course everyone else started to have bad luck that year and started to call it 'The Year of Hell'. And all I wanted to do was yell at them. It wasn't hell. And they wanted sympathy and I couldn't give them that. I couldn't bring myself to care about them anymore because they wanted something from me, they weren't willing to give me when I'd needed it.

I've been desperately wanting to see everyone from home again for weeks. But thinking about it at this particular moment in time, not so much. So there's noone here I know enough to rely on, I don't think there's anyone at home for that either. Nothing is going to wipe from my mind how they reacted the last one, so they're never knowing. I don't want to be around them like this.

Around six months ago I told Jesse when I was feeling miserable. They were doing that collider science experiment and there was debate over whether or not the world would end. I was feeling very down because I didn't feel like I'd done anything in life at all. I told her, I told her I was feeling miserable. How did she respond? By telling me that I was selfish and that I'd ruined her good mood. That I was determined to share unhappiness.

Yeah, cause that really helped.