Joseph Rice, 36
Diagnosis: Kleptomania, De Clérambault's Syndrome (Erotomania)

Introduction

Let me introduce myself. I'm Joe and I'm thirty six.

I'm not too interesting though.

I dropped out of law school and work two jobs, one at a grocery store and one at a carwash. The grocery store is great, but I can't stand the carwash. It's not even like I live where it's a seasonal job either. I've seriously considered quitting and doing something like washing dogs or something easy.

That is, until I met Carmen, my girlfriend. I love her with all of my heart and she loves me.

She just doesn't show her love like other people.

My Carmen

Carmen is absolutely beautiful. She's a stunning twenty year old with blue eyes and seductive lips. She works at the bank by the carwash I work at, so I get to see her often. She always comes over with her white car being her excuse. I always go to the bank because I always have to take money out for various things.

Well, not really. But that's my excuse in return.

I remember the first day I met her. I had to take out some money to pay a co-worker back. I drove up to the second lane and the little black and white television screen came on.

It was her.

She told me hello and asked how I was.

I was quiet. The outdated screen didn't warp her beauty and I didn't know how to talk to a woman as gorgeous as her.

I didn't know how to talk to a beautiful woman at all.

She noticed the pause and asked if I was okay with a genuine concern in her tone.

I nodded.

She saw me through her television and softened her expression. She didn't say much after that, but she'd look up occasionally to see if I was fine.

That's when I knew she fell in love with me too.

Our First Date

It's not a lust thing. I don't just love her because she's beautiful. She has a great personality and spirit.

I found that out on our first date.

One day she came to the car wash. She looked over at me and said hi.
That was the fifth thing she ever said to me.

So far, it was, "Hello," "How are you?" "Are you okay, sir?" "Have a good day," and now another hello.

We were falling deeper in love.

She made a comment about the rainy weather being horrible.

Sixth thing.

I nodded and mentioned an umbrella or something. I don't remember. I was so focused on her.

She said she had four umbrellas at her house and wished she had taken at least one.

Seventh and eighth thing. These were the best things she ever said to me.

Obviously, she wanted to me come over.

So after work, I got myself ready. I made sure I looked my best just for her. I went over to a 24-hour convenience store and bought her roses and chocolates.

Well, not chocolates. I had eaten them on the way.

But you can't blame me. They were caramel.

I knocked on the front door to her one-story residence.

No answer.

I looked at my cellphone.

4 A.M.

I could have sworn she told me that time. I remembered a four from her.

I looked around the house and saw a window. I walked towards it and peered through. There she was, lying on her bed, invitingly.

I leaned on the window on awe of her and noticed how easy it was to open, so I came in.

She didn't mind.

I stepped into her room and sat on a chair. I glanced around the room and noticed a gold watch of a make I wasn't too familiar with. I put on the watch and placed the roses in its place.

This was our first gift exchange.

I then sat on her bed next to her. I watched her and enjoyed her company until it was time to go.

That was the best date of my life.

My Collection

I went on more dates with her and she kept giving me more gifts and vice versa.

But then she started running out of things to give me.

I told her I didn't need anything but her love, but she insisted.

She continued have them out when we were on dates.

So I started to accept things that were less expensive but more meaningful and so did she.

In a little wooden box I keep her hair. I have sections that categorize the hair by where it came from.

In many jars I have dust found around the house. Dust is mostly dead human skin. I read it in one of Carmen's books once.

In an eye contact case I keep her eyelashes. Those are rare, but it happens.

I keep many parts of her and she keeps part of me. Those are the rules of the game.

But the most important rule is to never talk about our collections, even though we know about them.

It's a game.

Better Than Caramel Chocolates

We're such a happy couple. We don't really need anyone but each other.

But there will always be jealous people who will go to nothing to steal the joy we have.

One date, I went to her window as usual. I brought her chocolates that I didn't eat that time.

I knew she'd love that.

I peered through the window and noticed her on her bed, moving violently and screaming in agreement to something and yelling at God.

She wasn't alone.

I was about to barge in and stop the stranger raping the love of my life until I remembered the sixteenth thing she said to me. She was going to meet a professional to consult about something. I didn't know what she meant until then.

I wasn't satisfying her enough.

We hadn't had sex too often, but I thought about how she wouldn't move much when we would.

So I decided to think spontaneously. I thought about surprising her with the best sex of her life.

The only thing better than caramel chocolates is unexpected sex.

Everyone knows that, unless they don't like either.

I jumped through the window and immediately stripped. They seemed stunned, but that was the point.

I told the man that he was no longer needed and jumped onto my love. I told her that I could improve if that was what she really wanted.

She screamed my name much louder than she had before.

Sexy.

And it was twentieth thing she ever said to me.

Then I don't remember the rest. It felt like someone hit me in the back of the head or something and then everything went black.

It must have been good sex.

And So

Me and Carmen are still happy together.

Our dates are fewer though.

She has locks on her windows, which is understandable.

A beautiful girl like her needs protection. Someone could try to rape or steal from her.

My lawyer tells me to stay away from her, but I know what it really is.

He's jealous. But he can never have my Carmen.

She loves me.

She just doesn't show her love like other people.