Um... I wrote this at the end of last year to try and explain to my mother why I wasn't excited about going to college. . It sounds really emo now... but I figure somebody might identify, right? :)

Please review!


You don't think you can handle this whole "growing up" thing. Holding onto the past with both hands, sick at the thought of ever being that much older. Hating, hating every birthday that comes, and knowing you shouldn't because you're not even legally an adult yet, and aren't kids your age supposed to want to get older? But you can't want it. You can take life as it comes, but just barely—too tied up in a world of half-formed memories and exaggerated self-worth. Maybe a part of you is afraid of growing-up because you've gotten used to succeeding, even though you were never the best. And that same part is horrified that these pitiful, puny seventeen years have raced by without you ever finding out what you're best at—what you have a passion for besides empty role-play games and anime. Jack of all trades, master of none.

Of course, you throw yourself into fantasy. You only have one life to live, after all, and that terrifies you more than anything else. The thought that you'll never know what being a boy or having a brother or… so many impossible possibilities that could have been. And you only get one—one reality that will have to last for the whole of your life. God, God that's horrifying. Because if you screw this up, there is no second chance. You can't chose your role or the game you play, and sometimes you can't even decide which moves to make. Sometimes you feel like a puppet for some tempestuous child to play God to, but in the end you know that the puppeteer is only your own fears and limitations. In the end, your actions were only ever your own.

Sometimes you dream about the things to tell your children or the countries you'll visit, but always in those visions you see yourself as some sort of hazy ghost. Those thoughts were only ever empty wonderings, because if you're honest with yourself, you can't really believe you've lived this long. Safe in the arms of childhood, you never really believed you'd leave its embrace. But then, you've never been very childish, not when no one was looking. Sure you did immature things, but you had strange thoughts of death and redemption that no child should have. Maybe part of your great fear is that you never really were a child to begin with. Maybe you're scared of leaving a stage in your life that never even began.

And maybe you're just too damn self-important, and all of this is only a facsimile of the strife and confusion many, many more than you face on a daily basis. But even if you're childish for feeling so old, these feelings and fears and utter revulsions are yours, and though there will be things later in life that hurt much worse and cut much deeper, they don't make this pain any less real for you. Some years later, maybe you will look on this crazy musing as an infantile tantrum, but for right now it's all you can do to scream and cry against the whims of time. Because for you, the end of high school is really the end of the world.