Mitch:
I really don't know why she had to tell me. I mean she'd been keeping the secret for so long.
Why did she tell me? I can never look at her the same, even if I try not to think about her that way.

[ † ]

"Bloody stairs" I snort as I make my way up to Janis's apartment, walking up all five flights of stairs. I finally make it to the floor and just look from far away at my apartment door. Big old 476, not so freaken lucky now is it, mom! I swear under my breath, this is so pathetic two well now one day before Christmas. Oh so it's clearly freaken Christmas Eve already. Old Gregory has no heart! I make my way toward Janis's apartment, so what time is it really? It's the time where I wish I owned a watch at least one from like Wal*Mart or something.

I stand in front of her door and knock loudly. She's probably dead asleep by now. I hear a fuss of voices and suddenly glass breaks. I knock again putting my ear up against the door, "Hey Janis, everything all right in there?" I continue to knock between a five second pause.

"Who's that?" I hear a man say. "I… don't… Who is it?" she yells the last three words out loud.

"Its Mitch, is everything all right?" I answer back. "Peachy Keen" Janis shouts. The whispering noises die for a while until I almost fall on the person opening the door. I stand up straight to come face to face with an older man probably in his late thirties with black hair wearing a business suit, has an expensive vibe that makes me want to punch him out. He just stares at me and dashes down the hall. I just stare at him leave with this blank expression. I'm suddenly dragged into Janis's apartment by the collar of my shirt.

"Hey, hey watch the shirt" I voice as she lets go, closing the door behind her. "Do you know what time it is?" she shouts at me like I'm some kind of child. "Way pass my curfew" I answer smugly. "Mitch, seriously, you just come barging in around two in the freaken morning for what?"

"Happy Christmas Eve" I cheer slowly.
"You're unbelievable!" she shouts as she makes her way toward the kitchen. I follow her as I drop my stuff on the couch.

"So you're seeing that guy now?" I ask as I pull out a chair to sit up against the kitchen island.
"What?" she turns around from the cabinet holding a Nescafé Clasico jar.
"The guy… you're seeing the guy that ran out just now?"

"That's none of your business" she hisses as she turns on the radio that is near the coffee maker.

She still has the radio. I thought she might have thrown it away by now.

"You still have it? I thought you -"

"You thought what?" she hisses as she turns on the coffee maker and turns to face me.
"That you had thrown it away ages ago, I know I would" I answer as she stays looking at me with thoughts behind her eyes.

"It still works" she answers shortly with sudden sadness behind her hazel eyes that she immediately brushes off a second later. "Seems like it still does" I answer as I hear it playing a song I don't recognize. The apartment is silent for about a minute just with the sounds of the coffee maker and the radio beaming the sounds of music. Until fierce knocking is heard at the door, I turn to face the door as Janis goes to answer it peeping through the spy hole. She turns back to look at me as she opens the door to reveal the man from before. I stand up as I am about to walk over, Janis grabs a coat from the coat hanger and her keys. "Janis -"without another word she closes the door behind her.

I go back and sit on the chair. I stare at the radio as the guy on the air requests a song for his girlfriend. The song immediately starts booming through the speakers of the little radio. I thought she would have thrown the radio away. It seems to bring her bad memories. That old rusty radio was the first thing my brother gave her as their anniversary present after being together for a whole year. Of course it was brand new when Craig gave it to her, but now it looks old and beat up. It's been four years since. I was fifteen, Janis was sixteen and Craig was twenty.

Minutes later I hear the door unlock and Janis enters throwing the keys on the desk and taking off the coat. She walks over only wearing her nightgown like before. She walks over without saying a word as she turns the volume on the radio a bit. I look at her, but I don't ask her anything. She looks serious; I just sit with my hands crossed on the island and my chin on top of my arms. She finally gestures if I want a cup of coffee, I nod.

"Do you -"

"No sugar and cream" I answer shortly. She turns and smiles.

Janis sets my cup of coffee in front of me and all I could do is stare at it. She finishes making her coffee and sits right across from me on the other side of the island. Janis starts to trace the rim of the coffee cup with her finger nervously. We don't speak for like a minute she stares into her coffee cup. She takes a shaky breath as I notice her fingers trembling. When did the atmosphere turn so intense?

"I… it's…" she can't seem to form a sentence. She immediately dashes to a drawer in her kitchen and takes out a cigarette. Turns on the stove and sticks the cigarette tip to light it up. She takes her seat again with the cigarette in her hand taking a drink of her coffee. I clear my throat to speak, "I didn't know you smoked" I state. Janis is against smoking last time I remember. She's always been on my case about my habit, but I guess I was slightly wrong.

"I don't" she absently replies. I scrutinize the cigarette in her hand as she takes a big lung full of smoke and blows it to her side. "I… when I get nervous, but just one" she replies taking a drink of her coffee. "I'm not one to judge, I was just wondering" I comment as I take a drink from my black coffee.

For another minute the apartment turns silent just with the roar of the old radio booming in the kitchen around us. The voice of the host on the radio starts to sound through the apartment, "What a classic! Here is an ultimate classic from the great Otis Redding. Bringing you Cigarettes and Coffee, again you're listening to the sounds of 93.9 The Good Old Jams FM, bringing you music 24/7."

The song starts to beam out of the small radio. The voice of Otis Redding starts to fill in the gaps of our speaking silence.

"It's early in the morning
About a quarter till three
I'm sittin' here talkin' with my baby
Over cigarettes and coffee, now"

Janis looks up from her cup of coffee to stare at something behind me. She immediately laughs under her breath. "What?" I question slowly.

"It's a quarter till three right now" she informs. "So?" I don't see the reason why that's important. She shakes her head, "The song… never mind." "No, tell me" I pursue. She takes a smoke out of her cigarette, "In the song it says that it's early in the morning about a quarter till three. So, I was trying to point out that it's the exact the same time right now. That's all" she comments.

The song continues its course…

"And please, darling, help me smoke this one cigarette, now
I don't want no cream and sugar
'Cause I've got you, now darling"

I stare at my black coffee and can't contain a smile from my face. Oh Otis how you knew a man like me so well. I look up from the coffee and see Janis staring at me amazed or something.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing" she answers shortly as she throws the cigarette in the sink.

She takes her coffee and pours it out into the sink. Janis starts to rinse the cup, when I come to stand right next to her and dump my black coffee into the sink as well. Never noticed how much shorter she is from me. I look at her as she turns to face me, "Happy Christmas Eve" she whispers. I smile at her and walk back to the living room to sit on the couch. Janis washes the cups while I slouch on the couch thinking if Janis would even accept me living here. Now that she has a boyfriend, I doubt he'll want me around. Gosh, my life sucks balls.

I sit up and notice the broken vase on the corner of the end table from the couch.

"Why he break a vase?" I shout to her from the living room. She responds moments later, unsure of her answer, "It was an accident." Doesn't look like an accident, but I don't press on about the subject.

Moments later she sits in the couch in front of me. "You won't believe what happened to me earlier today o I mean late last night?"

"What?"

"I fell asleep at the old city park and I woke up because this bum started singing into my ear with my guitar" I comment. "You're kidding?"

"As funny as that sounds, no I am not kidding. He was sitting there right next to me humming some song and then when I ask him for my guitar back, he starts quoting all these poets" I continue. "Now that is hilarious" Janis sighs nervously.

"He starts talking about my flesh, the perve" I hiss.
"Yeah…" she whispers, Janis starts to fiddle with her nervous hands again.
"Is something wrong?" I ask her as she lowers her head bringing her hair down to her face. She can't hide behind her brown hair as I look into her hazel eyes. I just know something is bothering her. I've known her for too long not to notice things like that. We practically grew up together almost like family.

"Mitch…" she pauses.

"Yeah?" I whisper as I take in her nervous body language, "Better stop twisting those hands before you rip them off" I try to lighten the mood.

She smiles a small smile, "Mitch, I'm… an Out-Call!" she informs. A what?

She notices my confused expression, "A… call girl?" I soon remember varies words to describe such a person. "I'm an Escort, you idiot!" she shouts at me. What the hell…

"You're an Escort?" She simply nods. Wow. AJ wasn't expecting this - I wasn't expecting this.

"So, he - the guy - oh god" I sigh as I scratch the top of my head. "You've been - oh fuck" I snap. It's hard to even look at her, I mean I know its Janis, long time friend, but I can't bear to look at her without getting this perverse picture in my head of her sleeping around with various guys, sick, old guys.

Clearly a slut, filth and oh god -

I finally look at her and notice that she's crying. I've never been the emotional type, the one that gives a shoulder to cry on, that says words that will make things feel better. I'm just not that type of guy, but she looks so small.

"Jay, why?" I'm able to carefully mouth as I look at her from the couch.

"One thing led to another and I couldn't stop. I can't stop" she confesses as she sniffs into a paper towel.

Great way to start Christmas Eve, oh this takes the prize from Christmas Eve years ago. Finding out that father was having an affair with my mother's own sister. I simply have a fucked up family, period. This finding out - this takes the prize. I would have never in a million years - I mean its innocent Janis. It's Jay as I used to call her in grade school.

"Tell me what you're thinking" she says as she places her hair behind her ears, exposing her face.
"I'm not. I just - you out did my father on this one. This takes the prize for most surprising news on Christmas Eve morning" I declare, "I'm just digging for words. I - I can't even really grasp what you just said."

"I'm an Escort, I'm not some prostitute."

"Same thing, you have sex for money" I inform.

"Does that make me a bad person?" she snivels.

"No - that just makes you a dirty person" I whisper. I'm not very good with words; this is too much for me.

"I need a smoke" I rush as I head to the kitchen leaving Janis in the living room.

I'm through my second cigarette when she comes into the kitchen. She sits down in the chair near the island. I just stand looking out through the little kitchen window, facing the sink while my back is to her.

"You know… I loved him – I really did" she confesses randomly.

"Who?" I question, but I don't turn around to face her.

"Craig – I really did love him" she states as I just stay quiet smoking my cigarette.

"I can't really say the same for him, but… I believe deep down behind his arrogance – He probably felt the same way. But, I can't say it… that's something only he knows" I comment turning to face her seeing her red shot eyes. Leaning over the island with her elbow as her hand glides through her brown wavy hair. For a second I see hurt behind her eyes before it vanishes. She gets up and turns around to speak facing away from me, "So, you're going to need the room?"

"How –"

"AJ called in the afternoon told me that you would be coming. I figured you wouldn't after it turned ten o' clock, but -" she laughs a restless laugh, "now you're here and you know more than you bargained for" she concludes. "Did AJ say anything else?" I ask. Would he have told her his suspicions or am I still supposed to be some kind of spy?

"Just that you were coming over and the usual family stuff" she answers as she pulls a string from her nightgown that was dangling near her legs. "So, I'm guessing he doesn't know about you being –"

"No, and I don't want him finding out about it. So, just don't mention it again" she snaps at me. Oh great… just freaken perfect. I do it all for a freaken roof over my head.
"Yeah, sure thing" I answer.

-Morning-

"Who's coming over?" I ask again as I take a bite out of my toasted bread.

"AJ and his girlfriend" Janis answers grabbing her cup of coffee. "Rebecca?" I question.

"No, AJ is dating this new girl. Her name is Essie, that's pretty much all I know about her. I've seen her once at Joints." This seems like a family thing, "So, she's bringing her over so you can get to know her?" I ask. "No - I guess. I mean its Christmas tomorrow. He's bringing her over to celebrate with us." I notice the word use of us instead of her saying me.

"Us?" I comment as I drink from my freshly made black coffee.

"You're invited" she states taking a piece of her egg omelet.

"Perfect" I say shortly. I will probably need to find or wash some rags to wear. "What's wrong?" she notes. "Oh just that I'm going to need clean clothes that's all" I reply taking another drink of coffee. "That's no problem, we can go shopping" she cheers from across the island. "I don't know abou –"

"Don't be silly. That will be your Christmas present, so you can't turn it down" she adds the last part viciously.

"I guess…" I say still not fully liking the idea of having Janis buy me clothes.

"So what happened yesterday with Craig? I never got to ask why you would be coming to live here. If you know, he would –"

"Don't even bring that up. It turned into another problem, I just mentioned my mother and he went all defensive that father was there when he had the accident" I remark, "He ends up throwing money at my face."

"I see…" Janis whispers. My left hand curls up into a fist as I continue to talk about the subject, "I swear he's looking like my father every time I see him. All I could read on his face yesterday was father, the snob and the arrogance was just beaming off him. He's nothing of what I remember him to be a year ago when he came to Annabelle's funeral."

Janis just stares at me attentively as I sigh into my coffee, "Craig is gone, Jay. He's like a different person" I comment. She takes a deep shaky breath, "Money does that to people Mitch. Ambition…" Worst way to finish breakfast. I clear my throat, "So shopping?" I zap Janis from her trance, "Oh yeah. Just give me five minutes to get ready" she adds as she finishes her coffee. I roll my eyes at her, "Five minutes, really?" "Ok… maybe ten" she smiles as she dashes into her bedroom. I sit for the first two minutes finishing my breakfast until I get up to wash the dishes. I have to do something at least if Janis is going to provide a roof over my head for a couple of days. I wash the dishes and put them in the dish rack to dry. I stare out the kitchen window the day looks to be getting bad. Just like I predicted there seems to be fierce wind a brewing outside as it's evident with the swaying branches from the trees. I stay staring endlessly it seems until Janis distracts my thoughts as she is already calling me out the door.

-Hours Later-

"No, sorry No!" I shout. "Come on Mitch! You need it, have you looked at yourself lately? You need this more than anyone here, now stop being a baby and sit your ass down!" She demands.

"This is not part of the present –"

"Well it is officially is, so sit your ass down on the chair before I make a scene." I sigh and curse under my breath, "I heard that" she chimes in. What is it with women and makeovers? What do they get out of having a man suffer through shopping and an appearance change? Do they take pride in it or is it just natural to them to make men suffer in things like these? These are questions I still don't understand and I won't as I stare at the skinny Chinese lady snipping my hair off.

"You have long hair, sir" the lady tries to make conversation. I just smile at her.

"He does that's why he's getting it trimmed and that beard has got to go as well" Janis talks to the lady. I throw Janis a death glare and she laughs, "Mitch it's for your own good. This Shavo Odadjian beard is not looking too great on you trust me on that. Shavo might pull it off being in System of the Down, but you no." "I –"

Janis interrupts, "Plus this way you'll look your age cuz right now you're looking like some thirty year old bum. All scruffy and just bad, how old do you think he is?" Janis directs the question to the lady cutting my hair. "Thirty-five" she answers shortly. "See Mitch! He's only nineteen, still a teen" she says the last part in a childish way. I just roll my eyes at her and stare at the lady as she starts to cut strands of my hair.

Half an hour later I walk out of that place finally feeling the breeze touch my chin, dam it Janis.

"Don't look so down. You'll thank me later, now come on I still need to make dinner" she says as she rushes to get a taxi. I stroll behind her with all the bags.

-Evening-

"I hope AJ loves the lasagna I made. It's his favorite" she cheers as the table is set all we are waiting for are the guests. "And if he doesn't you can feed it to Irene's annoying dog" I cheer.

"You're not helping" she snorts. "Never said I was."
"Just shut up and remember don't tell AJ about – well you know – I'll tell him when I feel ready" Janis informs. When she feels ready? How can she get ready to tell her only flesh and blood that she's some kind of slut –?

"Mitch? Mitch!"

I look up for a moment, "Eh?"

"Get the door" she rushes. "Yes the door" I hesitate as I go open the door to reveal AJ and Essie, I figure.

"Wow bro, what a change!" AJ cheers as he pats my back with his free hand as he carries bags with his other. "That was all me" Janis shouts to us from the kitchen.

"Hey man, this is Essie, she's my girlfriend" AJ introduces. I extend my hand to hers, "It's a pleasure" Essie notes. "No, the pleasure is all mine" I reply. I might be a total rude ball to Janis, but I did learn my manly etiquette. Especially when a woman stands before me, I stare at her as she walks over to the table swaying her hips side to side. All dressed in red with a nice round ass, the dress fits tightly right around her small waist. She's a beauty, the kind that make other girl's self-conscious just by being in the same room with her. AJ has always had some luck of getting those types of girls like the ones from magazines.
"She's fine isn't she?" AJ comments as we both stare at her approach Janis in the kitchen. "Yeah, what happened to Rebecca?" I question. "Oh well you know the sex became routine. It just lost its spark and anticipation" he adds, "but, with Essie it's different. Man, I think I've finally found the one" he states as he punches lightly on my arm making his way toward Essie.

"We brought wine" AJ informs as he puts the said item on the table.

We all gather at the table and start to eat as Essie and Janis start a conversation on the side. All I can do is eat. I have to give props to Janis the food is delicious.

"So bro, have you figured out anything?" AJ whispers to me. Oh shit…

I clear my throat and take a sip of my wine glass. "Nope" I respond shortly taking a big piece of lasagna into my mouth. "Has she –"

I shake my head before he can continue. "I trust you man" AJ concludes, "When you find out anything, don't hesitate to tell me. I trust you." I feel like someone just raised the temperature in the room, I doubt it was the chili sauce I dosed my lasagna with.

-Hours Later-

"Do you want anymore?" Janis shouts loudly even though I'm sitting right next to her. "No" I whisper back as she downs the remainder of the Jack Daniels.
The bottle makes a thud sound as it lands on the ground. AJ & Essie left hours ago, they had to stop by Essie's family's gathering.

"Do you know how hard it was to just sit there with my brother and not tell him?" she slurred her words. Janis has never been a heavy drinker. I take a big drink from my beer can.
"Sitting so close and then he kept talking to you – I felt that you were just going to hand him my head – I just…" she pauses and a hick up escapes her mouth. I finish my current beer as I stand to get another one from the refrigerator. Janis clutches on to my leg like a baby, "Jay, what are you doing?"

"Please don't leave me... I'll do anything. Please don't leave me..." she shouts holding on to my leg for dear life.

"I'll do anything. Please Craig, please..." she whispers.

"Jay... I'm not Craig. I'm Mitch" I state trying to get her arms away from my leg.

"I love you" she sobs.

"Oh for god's sake! Jay, I'm Mitch!" I shout as I shake her shoulders.

For a moment she stays quiet and finally lets go of my leg. I stare at her as she sits on both her legs, looking at the floor with her hands on either side. I extend my hand for her to stand, she takes it and stands in front of me. She snuffles.

She finally looks up and I see the tears run down her face. I catch one with my thumb. "I'm sorry" she sobs as she surpries me with a hug throwing me back a step. I end up bumping into the Jack Daniel's bottle causing me to fall back with Janis on top of me. Her knee smacks right onto my jewels and I groan in pain. She moves up, so we're face to face. Her hair tickles my face as she stares down to look at my pained expression.

"I'm sorry" she repeats. For a split second, my heart jolts in my chest. The way Janis said I'm sorry sounded exactly how Annabelle said her final words to me. I stare up at Janis confused, forcing my eyes to stare at her. "I'm sorry" she repeats. I blink my eyes and instantly all I see is Annabelle, her long black hair over my chest, her shining green eyes staring at me like they used to.

I'm not going to say that I didn't kiss her immediately once she smiled at me.

I'm not going to say that once I felt her body pressed against mine it didn't cause an arousal.

I will say that once, she moaned in my ear reality sunked in...

"I can't do this" I state unlocking Janis's arms around my neck.

"Mitch... I want you" she states pulling me in for a kiss. I lightly push her away, "No, this is wrong" I reason standing up.

"Is it because of what I am? Because of what I do or because of her?" she shouts standing up in front of me.

"Jay, you're not thinking straight. You're drunk, I'm... buzzed, but it's wrong. It's something... we'll regret in the morning" I voice as she stares at me.

"I want you" she says before she crashes on to me wrapping her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist.

"No regrets, I want you" she whispers kissing my neck.

"Jay..." I strain to stand.

"You've mourn enough. She's gone and she's never coming back. No matter how many times you visit her tomb" she says firmly.

"Stop" I finally shout pushing her off almost knocking her over on the endtable.

"I'm sorry" she whispers, "I'm going to go lay down now." She makes her way into her room wobbling to the side and slams the door. Moments later, there is hurling sounds coming from inside the room.

"Jay?" I knock.

"I'm... fine. I'm fine. Just leave me alone."

I stare at her door, confused. As I make my way out of the hall, a small clock on the counter states it's already one in the morning.

"Merry Fucken Christmas" I whisper.

I go back to the kitchen to have a smoke. For some odd reason what Janis said about Annabelle sent a needle in my heart and now it aches. Annabelle she's really gone forever like really gone. I puff out smoke as I stare out the kitchen window again. Suddenly, the old rusty radio turns on booming a classic oldie.

"Can't live without her.
Please let her know.
Tell her…
She's still the beat of my heart
There's no one else in the world"

I walk over to the radio and turn it off as I exhale the smoke through my mouth tasting the tar on my tongue. I walk back to the window as I glance down at the sink, the radio turns on again sending the song throughout the quiet apartment again.

"Tell her I'm sorry
Let's make it all right
Please play a love song tonight…"

I walk over to it, but before I can touch the off button it turns off by itself. I stare at it confused. "I need my sleep" I whisper as I throw the cigarette in the sink and head to bed.

Stupid Radio.

[ † ]