The Dream of a Dream of a Dream, Loosely Based on a Dream
All Bob wanted to do since being transported to a medieval realm by some stray wormhole was conquer a dragon so he could ride it. Was that so much to ask?
Apparently, it was. Not a second later than he had conquered the dragon did the king and the kingdom smother him with praise and affection, dragging him away to the castle for a feast in his honor. He could barely understand what they were saying, as they spoke archaically and Bob was from the 21st century. They coerced him into getting changed into medieval garb and tried find out his name; it took him about 5 hours to get what they were saying. Actually that's an overstatement; it couldn't have been any longer than 4.
"What is thy name, sir knight?" said the inebriated king for the 2000th time that night. He was too drunk to remember asking the 1999 times before.
Finally understanding, Bob replied articulately and authoritatively, "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Bob?"
"Sir Bob?" he repeated with a British accent. Bob stifled a snort and a giggle at how ridiculous he sounded.
"Yep," he said, giggling like a schoolgirl.
"Well now, thou now art a hero! Thou hast saved this fair kingdom and my daughter from the dragon menace!"
"Cool - can I go now?"
"No! By St. Peter, no, thou must stay a few more days and prepare for the wedding!"
"Whose wedding?" he groaned impatiently, looking out the window at the dragon which was chained up and ready to be ridden by him.
"Yours of course!"
Bob's head whipped around sharply. "Huh?"
"To my daughter! Thou conquerest the dragon - rules are rules, thou knowest!"
"Whoa, hold up a minute! I didn't know ANYTHING about this."
"How couldst thou not?" scoffed Sir Pansy snootily. "Art thou naïve? 'Tis common knowledge."
"That's right," said Sir Fluffy. "The rules of engagement are: conquer a dragon, save the princess."
Bob shook his head. "Nuh-uh - no way. I'm not going to get married!"
"Yes thou shalt," said Pansy, drinking a large draught of wine with a swaggering smile. "Thou wilst be married by the end of this week."
"Dude, do I at least get to see this girl?!"
"Why surely!" said the king. He summoned a servant to go get his daughter. Bob wished he could escape somehow and release the dragon on them.
Bob's mouth dropped to the floor when she came in. She was stunning… stunningly hideous. Just imagine the ugliest girl possible, and that's what she looked like to Bob. In reality she looked like Angelina Jolie but all he could think about was the stupid dragon. The knights all around swooned and fainted to the ground when she came in for her beauty was too much for them.
"Ah, the fair princess!" said the king. Bob nearly threw up.
"I have to marry her?!"
"Hey, you're not my first choice, either," she snapped.
"Can I seriously just pass? I'm a foreigner, I didn't know about the marriage deal - "
"Yeah, let him plead ignorance, father, anything."
"Ah, but my daughter, thou knowest the rules!"
"He didn't technically conquer the dragon; it's still alive and chained up outside!"
"Aye, but he managed to get it to stop attacking us and he didst save thee."
"Only by accident!" she screamed. "It wasn't intentional!"
"There shalt be no more discussion of the matter."
"Awww man!" she said, storming off. The knights crawled after her, begging for some sort of attention, which she did not give, and therefore they fainted in her wake.
"Look," said Bob, "can I just take the dragon out for a spin and call it a day?"
All present glared at him inhospitably. Bob sighed dramatically, staring wistfully out the window at the dragon outside. The dragon was playing solitaire out of boredom since it couldn't roast anything.
"Why dost thou not let him play with the dragon?" said Pansy, the ringleader. "I'd gladly slay it properly and marry thy daughter."
"No, no, rules are rules," said the king vaguely, falling asleep.
"Or me, sir."
"Nope," he yawned, "he won fair and square."
All the knights groaned. They began conspiring against poor dragon-deprived Bob.
"Sir Daisy, why doesn't thou defenestrate the man?"
"Allow me to demonstrate," said the first knight. He promptly went over and shoved Bob out the window, who fell out in shock while screaming like a girl. "Defenestration."
"Ahhh," said all the knights in unison.
"Well, I guess that's solved," said Sir Fluffy. They all therefore dispersed.
Suddenly the princess came running in.
"I saw him fall out the window," she said, panting cheerfully. "Is he dead?"
The king blinked. "Who? Sir Marshmallow?"
She groaned in frustration and ran to the window, poking her head out.
"Sir Bob," she yelled, "art thou dead?"
"No," answered a meek and distant voice, "but I fear we'll have to call off or at least postpone that wedding."
She clasped her hands and squealed in glee. "I love thee, sir knight! Thou art released from thy promise to me! Wherefore stop at postponing when the whole proposition can be called off?"
She skipped away from the window in glee. Bob, meanwhile, landed next to the dragon. He picked himself up.
"Ah, you're back," said the bored dragon in a monotone. "Now we can play 'go fish'."
"I have a better idea," Bob said mischievously.
The next morning, the other knights went out for a jousting tournament…for the 20th time that week. However, none of them managed to joust for long, for Bob came riding in on the dragon, which ate a few knights and scorched a few others. The rest ran into the woods, crying "mommy!", as though a mountain lion was chasing after them. Sir Pansy alone decided he'd chance it and fight back.
"Have at thee, villain!"
So the dragon ate him too, and threw in a few fireballs just to show off. By the time he was done wreaking havoc, the entire kingdom was covered in sooty ash. Bob sadistically loved every fiery, destructive minute of it, and laughed maniacally.
"This is the greatest moment of my life!"
"Of course it is," said the dragon, filing his nails in boredom. "Now if you don't mind, you really have to wake up now."
Suddenly Bob heard an obnoxiously loud BUZZ, which startled him so much he woke up from his crazy dream.
"What? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he sobbed hysterically. "I thought that was real!"
"Of course you did," said a voice beside him at his window. He spun his head around to see it was the dragon, reading Shakespeare and wearing spectacles. "That's because it was."
Bob woke up again and looked around him disconcertingly. "Am I awake now?" he asked himself aloud. Since no one answered, he found it safe to get up (but only after pinching himself like an idiot to make sure he really felt pain).
Bob sighed. "Well, I guess I better lay off the Dungeons and Dragons before going to bed."
The End (…?)