the circles on my sign-out sheet have changed. dr. psychiatrist is no longer thinking about seizures, but the sch - i am worried. this is my worst fear, the thought of losing myself to a savage disease. i can lose myself to the ocean, to the music never-ending in my head, to my daydreams and stories and simple dreams. but now i am stumbling along the borders of the, the, the schizophrenia spectrum. i am worried. this is not Lewis Carrol writing rampant in my head, not the synesthesia, not the endless imagination. this is a different breed of monster, and it is the one that lives under the bed of my mind, the boogeyman i never had, the one that will pull me under into a nightmare i cannot escape. the one that will end me. i am worried.

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why won't someone just tell me what is wrong with me?

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there is a certain vicious cycle i fall into sometimes. i become afraid of sleeping, and i hit my lowest points. even in my dreams, things that are not alive talk

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there is a woman who won't stop talking gibberish in my head, and she is provoking other noises and voices and and
i refuse to go to more classes today.

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bits from the last two months.