My Confession. My Verbal Vomit. My Frustrated Rant. My-...whatever you want to call it. This is my corner of psycho babble.
Written in the POV of Rainbow "Rainy" Esunyo
As corny as this following crap may sound, it's the truth. The plain, ugly truth that I wish could be changed. I'm Rainbow and this is my confession, my verbal vomit, my frustrated rant, whatever you want to call it. This is my page of psycho babble. So, let us begin on this idiotic, perhaps useless journey through the inner workings of my psyche...if, in fact, that is even possible at this point in time.
Do you know how much it hurts to be powerless? Wait, no-don't answer. You don't understand what I mean. Who could understand? From that one simple, mundane, trivial question, how could you possibly understand the underlying truth? The truth that sticks to my skin like a damp, wool sweater. The truth that causes my heart to clench in helplessness.
Here, I'll explain to that unresponsive, incomprehensible organ in your head; it's probably in need of a workout by now.
I, as far as I am aware of, have never truly felt weak, weaponless, "powerless". There was always this urge wriggling in my mind, shouting that I could always do something, that I was never powerless. It shouted that I would never be undoubtedly, beyond question, absolutely, incompetent. Then again, that was just until now. It was just until now that I felt strong...now...
I never really knew what distance could do to you, all of you. I never knew that being unable to hug or truly see a friend eye to eye would render us incapable of speaking honestly, truthfully, and, most important, uncensored. Sure I had an inkling of the small effect it may have but I never knew that it would cause all our personal conversations to be edited and changed beyond recognition. It's almost as if the plane created a trail of fire over that theoretical contract of Best-friendship as I traveled farther and farther away, burning the bonds of trust until they could take no more.
I also didn't know the sensation of being unable to help your friend, be his or her confidant, be his or her alarm to wake up and smell the roses. In fact, I had also thought myself to be quite resourceful and of use to my guiding lights. I had thought that I could be their oxygen.
How wrong I had been.
I saw the signs from afar. Through shorter and shorter emails, I could see the clues begging to be connected. But, unfortunately, I could no longer help. I couldn't plan a spontaneous get-together. I couldn't tell her she could tell me all of it tomorrow at school or at someone's house, face-to-face. I couldn't be the bright-I-am-always-willing-to-be-of-help-girl that I had always dream of being. I couldn't even be me.
I was no longer able to lend a shoulder, a warm embrace, a caring ear...I was useless. I, for the first time, was powerless...or at least, this had been the first time that I had actually felt it.
And do you know what?
It hurt...a lot.
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