That's it. I've done it! I have finally given up on life and decided to go absolutely, out-of-my-mind, completely insane. Yes, yes, thank you. You're all too kind. But please, hold your applause until I'm finished my acceptance speech. It's quite a masterpiece I'm told. By who? The voices in my head, of course. I don't know where I'd be without them.

To start off, I'm sure you are all wondering what brought me to this momentous occasion. I'll start from the beginning because honestly, I would like to waste as much of your time as possible. I've become rather egotistical since going insane. It was really just a matter of finding out that I am the most important person to me, and since me is almost the same person as I, then if me, also the most important person, considers I to be more important than anyone else, then obviously I is the most important person of all. So really, none of the rest of you should have anything better to do than to listen to me, the second most important person, right below I.

Wait a minute - I have just received some breaking news. It seems like the beginning is apparently the most convenient and logical place to start. Therefore, I shall have to forgo the pleasure of wasting some of your time for the greater pleasure of bugging the hell out of you and start in the middle.

I was in my room, thinking of what to do. As I've already told you, if you listened to the beginning, I had many things to do, all of which I've already listed. However, I didn't have much time in which to do any of them before the leprechauns came out to play. I realized I had to complete everything within the bounds of rational time. So I thought to myself, what if I tried to do everything in the boundaries of irrational time? It was the thought that sparked a revolution, which I'm sure you all remember. But that part bores me, so I'll skip ahead. I find it much easier to do everything I need to now that I've gone insane. If I ever feel that I'm under too much pressure, I simply ask time, who is a particular friend of mine, to go back to the same hour the day before. He, being an obliging sort of fellow, agrees, and suddenly I have a whole extra day to do with what I wish. Others have tried to explain away these happening with logic and reasoning, but my complete disregard for them and everything they say always wins in the end.

I know by now you are all wondering how you can be exactly like me. I assure you, it isn't easy. You must be completely perfect and be assured that you are better than everyone else, which will never happen, since no one can be better than me, except, of course, I. I will explain some of my secrets after the break. Right now, let us all take a short rest, and possibly grab some refreshments. I know how exhausting it can be to be around such amazing perfection for long periods of time; I have to do it everyday. I will be available for photos and questions during the break, as long as you don't expect me to acknowledge your presence. Be sure to be back promptly when I feel like it; you won't want to miss hearing how to become a lunatic, just like me. Because honestly, you could use some improvement.