1A/N: My attempt at a satirical style; people who are Australian will 'get' it more, I think. Please review and tell me what you think!
THE 'TASMANIAN DEVILS' CAMPAIGN – SAVING THE AUSTRALIAN FROM EXTINCTION
Last week finally saw the implementation of the highly controversial 'Tasmanian Devils' campaign, which involves the resettling of current residents of Tasmania in mainland Australia and the sending of asylum seekers and others who do not share Australian values to Tasmania. While the debate on the issue raged, major cities all over Australia saw large protests from immigrants who disagreed with the screening system the government had devised to determine which ones among our more recent citizens were unworthy to live on the mainland. Surprisingly, the issue has also raised vehement opposition from most Tasmanian residents. However, this seems to be arising less from their political views and more from a natural indolence which sets them against the idea of moving to the mainland.
The screening system, which requires all citizens who are third generation immigrants or less to complete a test (all followers of Islam, regardless of generation must be tested, however), has yielded shocking results as wave after wave of decidedly un-Australian people are being sent to Tasmania for a rigorous re-education which involves plenty of AFL, barbeques, koala breeding and an in-depth study of 'Possum Magic' by Mem Fox. In an attempt to give everyone a fair go, the government has naturally allowed immigrants to re-sit the test every three years after the previous failure, and if they pass, they are of course allowed back into mainland Australia. Once there, they will be subjected to occasional re-tests to make sure that they are properly assimilating.
The test itself requires all individuals who are eligible to complete it to make their way to their nearest polling booth to sit it. The test has a duration of four hours, with one hour spent on a written section with the remaining three hours comprising a practical examination in which participants are required to display their knowledge of and skills in various Australian sports and activities including but not exclusive to: surfing, Australian Rules football and carrying on like idiots at any sporting match (this can be cricket, AFL or tennis – the challenge is for the exam participants to outdo the sportsmen themselves in the aforementioned carrying on department; video evidence of this must be provided).
The business world is suffering from unforeseen consequences of this screening system as CEOs of many major corporations have been forced to move to Tasmania. Unfortunately for Telstra and Jetstar, Sol Trujillo and Alan Joyce – who incidentally were both spotted at last week's Essendon versus Hawthorn match, seeming rather out-of-place with their extremely half-hearted excuse for 'carrying on' and their immaculate business suits with a scandalous lack of green and gold – failed both the written and practical parts of the examination and were subsequently sent to Tasmania for re-education. Until they are eligible to re-sit the test, their respective companies are struggling to find stand-in CEOs who are Aussie enough to stay. Apart form the CEOs, companies like ANZ and Telstra are suffering heavy losses in employees, as over 60% of them have been forced to move to Tasmania for re-education.
Although there are many wholehearted supporters of the idea, immigrants and previous Tasmanian residents are not the only people against the new program. Chairman of the Australian Wildlife Society, John Smith, feels that the programme is totally inhumane. "I'm extremely concerned about the welfare of the koalas those people are going to be handling," he said in his statement last Wednesday. "We at the Australian Wildlife Society feel that people who are deemed un-Australian should not be allowed to care for our native animals." Furthermore, he added that the new slang term for the current inhabitants of Tasmania, the 'Tasmanian devils' is extremely derogatory, and lacking in respect for these endangered Australian animals.
As the population on the mainland continues to dwindle indefinitely, we will have to face up to this disturbing truth: the true Australian really is in danger of extinction.