Little Red Riding Hood

As Told by the Brothers Grimm

(Lights up on JACOB and WILHELM GRIMM, who are standing at Center Stage.)

JACOB: Well, hello again, Wilhelm.

WILHELM: Hello, Jacob.

JACOB: How have you been faring?

WILHELM: I have been in quite a good mood of late, thank you.

JACOB: Oh, really? May I ask what has put you in such a good mood?

WILHELM: You may.

JACOB: I do so.

WILHELM: It appears that our first stage performance went quite well.

JACOB: Aye. That it did, brother.

WILHELM: Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, Jacob and I have taken the liberty of adapting another of our stories. Brother, if you would do the honors?

(JACOB drops his gaze and mumbles something inaudible.)

WILHLEM: He is still working on his introduction skills. Uh…what we decided to adapt was the tale of Little Red Riding Hood. Perhaps you know it, ladies and gentlemen? (Pause.) Then let us begin.

(JACOB and WILHELM cross to opposite sides of the stage. As they do so, RED and MOTHER enter and stop at Center Stage.)

JACOB: Once upon a time, there was a darling little girl named…um… Did we ever give her a name?

WILHELM: No.

JACOB: Well, then, there was once a darling little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. She was called by this name because of the little red riding hood that she wore.

WILHELM: No kidding.

JACOB: I am just going to ignore that and watch as this play unfolds.

MOTHER: This basket of goodies is for Granny. Now repeat to me exactly what I told you earlier.

RED: Stay on the main road and do not talk to strangers.

MOTHER: Very good. Off you go, then.

(RED exits Stage Left.)

MOTHER: Red, sweetheart?

(RED reenters.)

MOTHER: Granny's house is the other way, dear.

RED: Right.

(RED exits Stage Right. MOTHER exits Stage Left. WOLF, BEAR, and other animals enter and sit at Stage Left.)

WOLF: Oh, here's a good one. How is a bear like a fallen tree?

BEAR: Oh, I love bear jokes! Um… I don't know.

WOLF: A bear lumbers and a tree becomes lumber!

BEAR: Very clever! I could never come up with something like that.

WOLF: That's why I'm a wolf and you're a bear. (He sniffs the air.) Do you smell something?

(All the animals shake their heads or say no or something along those lines.)

WOLF: Huh. I smell…wool…and meat… There is a sheep nearby.

(He exits Stage Left, and the other animals follow. RED enters Stage Right, skipping as though nothing could go wrong. She pauses at Center Stage.)

RED: Goodness, I feel I should faint if I do not rest.

(She sits, and WOLF enters Stage Left, sniffing the air.)

WOLF: Wool and meat, a sheep to eat. And if it dies, it's for the flies… (He trips over RED.) Oh, excuse me!

RED: Please, it was my fault.

WOLF: No, not at all. I was not watching where I was going.

RED: You looked as though you were smelling for something.

WOLF: Yes, I was actually following a scent. (He begins sniffing again and draws closer to RED'S shoulder.)

RED: (Awkwardly) Can I help you?

WOLF: I was just…appraising your little red riding hood.

RED: That's my name, by the way. Little Red Riding Hood. But you can call me Red.

WOLF: (Aside to audience) And I thought my jokes were bad. (He notices the basket that RED is carrying.) Say, what's in the basket?

RED: Oh, just some goodies for my grandmother.

WOLF: Where does Granny live?

RED: Just a few miles north.

WOLF: Very nice. Well, enjoy yourself. Perhaps I'll see you later.

RED: That would be wonderful. Goodbye!

(RED exits Stage Left, and the WOLF begins to follow.)

JACOB: Hang on.

WOLF: What?

JACOB: Where exactly are you going?

WOLF: Um…Granny's house. To eat both of them.

JACOB: That's cruel.

WILHELM: That's scripted.

WOLF: That's life. (As he exits Stage Right) Do not defy the laws of nature, friends. It's called a law for a reason.

(Pause.)

JACOB: Shall we continue?

WILHELM: To Grandmother's house?

JACOB: To Grandmother's house.

(Enter GRANNY, Stage Left. She is weak, and in bed, so she needs some crewmembers to help her with it. The WOLF enters Stage Right.)

GRANNY: Is that you, Red?

WOLF: (Imitating RED) Yes, Granny, it is.

GRANNY: About dang time you got here! I've been running on nothing but tofu and tree sap since November!

WOLF: Really?

GRANNY: Really. Now let's see what you brought for me.

WOLF: (Disgusted) Manners, Grandma. Manners. (At which point the WOLF drags GRANNY offstage Left and comes back onstage.) Uh, Grimm Brothers, you may want some filler for this part.

JACOB: Yes, good call. However, I am fresh out of ideas.

(WILHELM sighs and exits Stage Right. A few moments later, he returns with LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN.)

WILHELM: Another German by the name of Ludwig van Beethoven, ladies and gentlemen. Herr Beethoven, if you will.

(Pause, as BEETHOVEN is deaf. WILHELM writes it down on a piece of paper, and BEETHOVEN begins to conduct his fifth symphony to an imaginary orchestra somewhere in the audience. The WOLF exits. After a brief time, he comes back dressed in GRANNY'S nightdress and cap and lies in the bed. WILHELM motions for BEETHOVEN to stop, which he does as RED enters from Stage Right.)

RED: Granny! It's Red!

WOLF: (Imitating GRANNY) Have you brought me something, dear?

RED: Yes, Granny. I have… (She notices the WOLF'S ears.) Goodness, Granny, what large ears you have.

WOLF: Um…the better to hear you with…?

RED: Oh. And what large eyes you have.

WOLF: The better to intimidate my prey with. (Pause.) I mean…to see you with.

RED: And what a large nose you have.

WOLF: (Annoyed, no longer imitating GRANNY) Look, kid. Are you going to examine me from head to toe? Just give Grandma a kiss.

RED: Speaking of which, you have terrifying teeth.

(The WOLF rises from the bed and crosses to RED.)

WOLF: Come offstage with me, will you? I want to show you something.

RED: Okay.

(Both exit Stage Left.)

WILHELM: (To BEETHOVEN) Play.

(BEETHOVEN shakes his head and holds up a finger. We hear RED scream from Offstage Left. The HUNTSMAN enters Stage Right with his hand cupped to his ear.)

HUNTSMAN: Is that a scream I hear? I must see if I can be of any help.

(He crosses to Center Stage as the WOLF reenters from Stage Left.)

WOLF: Delicious.

HUNTSMAN: You.

WOLF: You.

HUNTSMAN: Do not try any tricks this time, my furry canine friend. There are no animals to save you now.

WOLF: Nor is there a band of hunters for you.

HUNTSMAN: Then we settle this man-to-man.

WOLF: Man-to-wolf.

HUNTSMAN: However you see it. Herr Beethoven, music if you please.

(WILHELM tugs on BEETHOVEN'S sleeve, and BEETHOVEN begins to play Mozart's "O Fortuna." The HUNTSMAN and the WOLF fight for a bit, until the HUNTSMAN manages to hit the WOLF in the back of the neck with his axe. He drags the WOLF Offstage Right as the piece ends. After a brief time, HUNTSMAN, RED, and GRANNY reenter and sit.)

JACOB: And they all lived happily ever after.

WILHELM: Except the wolf.

JACOB: Except the wolf.

WILHELM: The end.

BEETHOVEN: What? I cannot hear you! Speak louder! (WILHELM writes it down and hands it to BEETHOVEN.) Oh. Thank you.

(Lights down.)

THE END