Meet the roommate

Lucas haunted me.

Still, a week after my topless encounter with him, I could not stop thinking about it. Every time I had a weak moment where my mind wandered away from my control, my insides would twist with embarrassment, and it felt like I was living it over and over again. Me, topless and red-faced; him, smirking and over-confident... I'll see you around, Bella...

Oh, God. I really hoped he was wrong, and I'd never have to face him again in my life. Why did it have to happen to me? Why hadn't I decided to get dressed before leaving the bathroom that night? I must have been out of my fucking mind.

The more I thought about it, the more I came to the conclusion that I should have seen it coming. I mean, yes, it had happened on a Monday night, and yes, my roommate didn't usually entertain guests like him during the week, not to mention so early in the night – but still! How could I have missed what those shoes by the door meant? How?! How could I have possibly thought that my blonde barbie-clone of a roommate would wear orange Converse?

Every time I remembered that night, it felt just as bad as actually living it. Again and again I felt the burning sensation of embarrassment in the pit of my stomach, the turning of my insides that made me sick. I had always hated that feeling, more than anything else in the world. Humiliation. I guess it was a sign of low self-esteem, or something like that, but I didn't really see how I could change that about myself. I was just a shy person – always had been and always would be.

I groaned and buried my face in my hands, yanking myself out of the memory, for what felt like the hundredth time that week. This particular lapse in self-control happened while I was sitting in my kitchen, eating cereal and drinking coffee. It might have been an enjoyable Sunday morning, since I didn't have to go to work and therefore had the whole day to do things I actually enjoyed. But it wasn't. For once in my life, I actually wished I could go to work. The memory of my humiliation would have been far easier to suppress if I'd had other things to occupy my mind with. Work offered such distraction; free time did not.

I looked up from my bowl of cereal – which I hadn't touched in several minutes – when I heard my roommate's door open. I turned to watch her as she walked into the kitchen, yawning and stretching.

"Morning," she groaned sleepily, rubbing her red eyes. It was noon.

"Morning, Jess," I replied, smiling at her. It was never too late to at least hope that we could one day become friends.

Jessica was my first roommate ever, not counting brothers and parents, and I'd kind of had higher hopes for our relationship when I'd first moved in. Since roommates are always portrayed as the best of friends on TV, I'd had a very naive notion about what it would be like to live with someone who wasn't family. You know, late night chats about our lives, gossiping about boys, parties, life-long friendships... fun stuff. In reality, we pretty much had nothing in common.

Jessica opened the fridge and peeked inside. I could see her cringe; there wasn't much food in that fridge. Not hers, anyway.

"Why do I always forget to shop on Saturdays?" she muttered.

I swallowed a spoonful of soggy corn flakes and made a face. Ew. "Because you have better things to do on Saturdays?" I suggested.

She turned to look at me, flipping her long blonde hair out of her eyes. She carefully arranged her pretty features into a pout, and I knew that she was about to ask if she could eat my food. I also knew that the look on her face had never yet failed to get her anything she had ever wanted.

"Any chance I could eat one of your yoghurts?" she asked. Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner.

"Go ahead," I said, only slightly irritated and a lot amused.

I got up to put my dishes in the sink, while Jessica took a seat at the table, a cup of low fat yoghurt in her hands. I leaned against the sink and sighed. Did I dare attempt small talk?

"So..." I finally said, racking my brain for a topic of conversation. "Did you have fun last night?"

"Yeah, it was a blast," Jessica said. Looking up from her food, she appeared thoughtful for a moment, maybe slightly insecure about what she was about to say. "You know," she said then, "you should come with us sometimes."

I fought the urge to snort out loud. "Sure," I said instead, faking a smile. "Sounds fun."

She would never take me with her; in fact, she would forget ever mentioning it. But at least she was trying to be nice to me, that was improvement right there. Maybe there was hope yet. Not that I wanted to be her friend, not really. It would just be nice to have a friend as a roommate. Even if it was someone like Jessica. I kept thinking that maybe if I got to know her better, I'd like her more. It hadn't exactly worked out like that. Yet.

It suddenly dawned on me, as I watched Jessica eat her – my – breakfast, that there was something missing from this particular Sunday morning. It took me a while to put my finger on it, but then I realized that Jessica didn't seem to have a guy in her room this morning. Hmm. Interesting. Could I ask her about it? Or would that be rude?

"Jess?" I asked timidly.

"Yeah?" She had her mouth full of yoghurt, but I thought that was what she said.

"How come you're, um, alone this morning?" I asked, blushing slightly and cursing my shyness. "You did go out last night, didn't you?"

I had heard her stumbling in at four in the morning, so my question was pretty much obsolete. It never hurt to be polite, however. And no, this wasn't something my mom used to say; I'd actually come to the conclusion all by myself.

To my relief, Jessica giggled at my question. "Yeah, I went out last night. And I'm alone now because..." She glanced left and right before covering her lips with her palm and whispering theatrically, "No one slept here!"

I laughed with her, feeling a bit more comfortable now. Did she actually have a sense of humor? "You mean he left before...?"

"No!" she laughed. "There wasn't a guy here at all." She didn't sound angry at my assumptions; on the contrary, she seemed to be enjoying the conversation.

I poured myself another cup of coffee. "Do you want some?" I asked.

Jessica nodded, smiling gratefully. I took out a mug for her, too, and filled it with coffee. I sat down at the table with both coffee mugs, handing Jessica hers. Then I leaned back in my seat, waiting for her to talk and silently wondering if she would. We'd lived together for almost a year now; it was about time we had a real conversation. Right?

"So is that your opinion of me?" she finally asked, looking up at me curiously.

"What?" I was confused.

"I'm like the girl who always has a different guy? The party girl? The slut?" She sounded like she was talking more to herself than to me. And still, there was no anger in her voice.

"I don't think you're a slut," I said quickly, and I wasn't even lying. I'd never thought of her as a slut, because I'd never allowed myself to think that of someone I didn't even know. And I didn't think that sleeping around automatically made you a bad person, either. Honest.

Jessica smiled at me. "Thanks, Bella," she said. After a few moments of silence, she added, "I actually, kind of... have-a-boyfriend-at-the-moment." She rushed through the last part, making it sound like she was admitting to something shocking and shameful.

"Yeah?" I frowned.

Suddenly, I had a nagging feeling somewhere in the back of my head, like there was something I should grasp, something important. I tried to push it aside.

We'd actually talked about guys before, albeit very briefly. It was one of the few proper talks we'd had. Almost the first time we'd met Jessica had asked me if I had a boyfriend; I hadn't had one then, and I didn't have one now. She'd also let me know, right from the start, that she liked to have guys sleep over in her room every now and then. Never before had she used the word boyfriend, though. So, naturally, I was intrigued.

"When did this happen?" I asked.

"Like, two weeks ago," she said, shrugging.

"And you weren't with him last night?"

She shook her head and licked her spoon absently. "I was with the girls."

It sometimes made me feel like I didn't belong, when people used phrases like 'the girls'. Don't get me wrong here, I did have a few good friends and I wasn't exactly lonely – most days. But sometimes I wished I could be a part of a bigger group, something I could call 'the girls'.

Jessica was scooping the last of the yoghurt from her cup, scraping the bottom. Slowly, she licked her spoon clean and set it down on the table. I could feel the conversation coming to an end and suddenly found that I didn't want to be alone yet. I hurried to talk some more, distracting myself from unpleasant memories.

"So, what's he like?" I asked the first thing that came to mind, before drinking the last of my coffee. It was cold.

Jessica giggled as she got up to wash her spoon and mug. One of the great things about her: she never left any dishes in the sink, but always washed them straight away.

"Well, he's incredibly hot, of course," she said and I almost rolled my eyes. "Sweet and kind. And he's a musician..." she trailed off dreamily.

Oh, gag. "Really?"

"Yeah," she said, turning to look at me again. The dreamy expression on her face faded, and she grinned at me, slightly apologetic. "It was really nice to have breakfast with you, Bella," she said. "We should hang more often."

I smiled back, as widely as I could. "Yeah, definitely."

She put the now clean dishes in the cupboard over the sink. "Well," she yawned pointedly. "I think I'll go back to bed. My head is killing me."

I tried to look appropriately sympathetic. "Yeah, of course. You must be tired."

She was already walking towards her room and I started towards mine, trying to decide how to distract myself next. Maybe I could call a friend and go see a movie or something...

"Bella?" Jessica said, and I turned around to face her again. "Lucas actually said he'd stop by today. So if you still wanna know what he's like, you should meet him."

Is it just me, or is the room spinning?

"We could hang out," Jessica went on, blissfully ignorant of the turmoil in my head. "Watch a movie or something?"

"Um, L-Lucas?"

"Yeah," Jessica nodded, smiling at me from across the room. "My boyfriend."

Holy crap.

…

…