Trust Issues, part 1

Matthew wasn't trying to hide his feelings anymore, and the way his lips moved against mine – soft, yet hard and unyielding – made it crystal clear to me how much he wanted this. How much he wanted me. He wasn't holding himself back either, not like with the first kiss. His actions were urgent, almost like he was still angry at me. Not long after his lips crashed against mine, I felt myself being moved and then he was pushing me against a wall with force, his lips demanding a response from mine as he deepened the kiss. He didn't seem willing to let me move, almost as if he was afraid I might run away.

What he didn't know was that I was nowhere close to running. Even if my legs had been able to carry me, which I seriously doubt, it was impossible for me to pull away from him. And not only because I was trapped by the weight of his body, but because every nerve, every cell in my body, was yearning for more of this, more of him, more of something.

Through a haze of desire I realized that we were hidden from view now, in a small alcove that was the doorway to the apartments above the bar. The brick-wall felt hard and cold against my back, but his hand skillfully shielded my head from impact as he pushed me tighter against it, fingers digging into my hair. The sounds of traffic and people on the street in front of the bar had vanished, and all that existed in the world was him, his lips, his hands, his body.

It was like something in my brain clicked, an off-switch turned, and I was no longer responsible for my own actions. My heart beat loud and fast; I could hear it pounding. Or maybe it was his heart, I couldn't tell the difference anymore. He nibbled on my lower lip and I think I moaned or gasped or something because the next moment my mouth was open and his tongue was moving against mine in unfamiliar and exciting ways. He tasted like scotch and sweat, and it was completely irresistible. His hands spread fire through my clothes and my skin right down to my bones. It was only because of his painfully tight hold on me that my legs hadn't given out yet.

I had never experienced kissing like this before. New and powerful feelings were awaking inside of me, feelings that I wasn't sure I was ready to face. I was afraid of how much he was affecting me, of how much I wanted him. How turned on I was.

When he finally broke the kiss it was only to move his mouth down to my neck. I tilted my head back to give him more room, loving the way his lips felt against my skin. He sucked softly on the sensitive skin below my ear and I moaned, digging my fingernails into the skin of his stomach. Encouraged by my reaction, he let his hand slid under my shirt, high enough to just reach the underwire of my bra. I shivered all over, and there wasn't a part of me that didn't want him to slip those fingers higher, on that bra, or underneath. He probably would have done it, too, but that was when–

"Ahem," an amused voice said.

I pulled myself away from Matthew, who immediately loosened his grip. He still kept a hold on my waist, though, as we both turned our heads to face Jessica. She was smirking at us.

"Hey guys," she said. "Sorry to interrupt, but I just got thrown out of the bar, and screamed at by Lucas. It's cold and dark and I don't feel like walking home alone. So could you please continue this after I'm in bed?"

I was at a loss for words. Matthew, however, simply chuckled. "Can you give us a minute, Jess?" he asked. "We'll be right with you."

"Sure." Jessica rolled her eyes, but couldn't quite hide her smile. "I'll be right over here. Don't forget to use a condom."

She walked away, leaving Matthew and I alone in silence that was fast becoming deafening. Unsure and embarrassed by Jessica's words, I turned to face him. He still held me, hands firm against the bare skin of my waist, as if never wanting to let go.

"Bella..." he said, and his tone was worlds away from the easy way he'd just spoken to Jessica. He didn't seem to know what else to say.

I stared into his darkened eyes, my mind reeling as I struggled to control my breathing. His gaze was warm and full of desire. He really, truly wanted me. I could see it now, clear as day. How did I ever think he was gay?

I knew he was trying to think of something to say – probably something heartwarmingly sweet, considerate, and completely fitting to the situation – but I didn't want to hear it. I couldn't bear to hear any more speeches about how he felt about me. Not when I didn't know how I felt. Matthew deserved answers; he didn't deserve to be strung along. And what I needed now was some time to think. Without the constant distraction of him looking at me like this.

"I should go with Jess," I blurted out.

Hurt flickered in his eyes. "And by 'I', you mean just you?"

I nodded, forcing myself not to break eye contact, even when his gaze started to make me feel guilty. "I need to talk with her. Make sure she's okay."

"I understand," Matthew said, and the crazy thing was, I actually believed him. He did understand. He always understood. "But – and I don't mean to sound like a teenage girl or anything – but when can I see you again? Um, I mean," he added, unsure, "do you want to see me again?"

"Yes," I said quickly. "Of course I wanna see you again."

"So maybe I'll see you tomorrow?" Matthew asked.

"Yeah," I agreed, not really thinking about what I was agreeing to. "I'll call you?"

He smiled, and my stomach did a painful flip. He pulled me closer against his body, hugging me tightly. I allowed myself a moment of comfort, burying my face in his shoulder and breathing him in with deep, calming breaths. My heart was still racing, and I couldn't quite tell you why. It was over. Lucas was gone. He hadn't called the police, which meant that he wouldn't be pressing charges on Matthew for punching him. I would never have to see him again. So why was I still scared?

"Guys, seriously!" Jessica's voice yelled, interrupting our embrace. "I'm freezing my ass off in here! Please stop making out so that we can go home!"

Matthew chuckled, his whole body shaking against mine. I tried to laugh with him, but it felt forced. "We should go, huh?" he asked my ear.

I lifted my head and he stepped away from me. "Yeah," I said, and now that his warmth was gone I could feel the cold Jessica was talking about. "Let's go."

...

Standing on the sidewalk next to our apartment building, Jessica and I watched silently as Matthew's car disappeared around the corner. The drive home had been silent, but not in an uncomfortable way. Just in a way that meant we were all tired and had nothing all that important to say. Now that Jessica and I were alone, though, I found that I did have things to say.

"Should we be worried about Lucas?" I asked, turning to face her.

Jessica rolled her eyes. "He's all talk."

I nodded slowly, but I couldn't quite shake the uneasiness at how things had progressed tonight. What if Lucas was actually violent?

As we entered the building and started climbing up the stairs, I asked, "So, what did he yell at you about?"

"Well, for one thing, he seemed to think it was our fault that he got banned from the bar."

"He got banned?"

"We both did," she said, glancing down at me from a couple of steps ahead. "You and Matt would have gotten banned, too, had you been there when the bouncer turned up. He doesn't like fighting in his bar," she said, mimicking a manly voice.

I couldn't help but sigh in relief. It wasn't that I was planning on frequenting Hornet's Nest or anything, I just didn't want to mess up Matthew's chances of buying the bar. I wasn't sure how I felt, about everything that had happened tonight. Lucas had really scared me there for a moment. He'd physically hurt me, which was one thing I hadn't thought him capable of. Would he have hit me if Matthew hadn't hit him first?

Matthew... My knight in shining armor. I'd never thought about kissing him. Sure, I'd always thought he was good-looking, and recently I'd thought of him as a friend, but the possibility of him liking me that way? It had honestly never even crossed my mind. Listening to the echo of his voice in my head now, telling me that he was interested in me, that he couldn't stop thinking about me – it made me feel flattered. But most of all it made me feel over-whelmed and seriously scared.

Just a few weeks ago I'd been hearing those words from Lucas. And look at what had happened there! I couldn't really be blamed for having some reservations about trusting him. Trusting anyone, for that matter.

"So what happened with Matt?" Jessica asked, as if reading my mind. We'd reached our apartment by now; Jessica was unlocking the door and therefore not looking at me. I could imagine the smirk on her face, though.

"He kissed me," I said simply.

Jessica laughed, stepping into the apartment. "There's a surprise."

I stared at her, eyebrows shooting up. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Seriously, Bella, it was so obvious that he liked you." She sounded exasperated. "Plus, you know, he told me."

"What?" I asked, surprised. "When?"

"When you went to the bathroom."

I frowned. When had I gone to the bathroom? "Oh... Earlier? At his place?"

"Yeah," she nodded. She grinned at me. "So do you like him?"

Right then, I felt like screaming and crying in frustration. "I don't know," I said truthfully. "I don't know how I feel."

"Hmm." Jessica frowned. "Was the kiss bad?"

My mind flashed back to that moment in the alcove, that feeling of Matthew's lips on mine. My face heated up. I had definitely enjoyed kissing him. But was that just because I'd been caught in the moment, and because he was a damn good kisser? Could I trust that feeling?

"No," I admitted. "No, it wasn't bad."

"So, what's the problem?"

That was a good question. What was my problem?

"It's just too much for me right now," I finally said, in an attempt to put my thoughts into words.

"I understand," Jessica said, but I wasn't sure that she did.

"We don't have to talk about it, do we?" I didn't feel like dealing with this right now. What I needed was to sleep on it.

"Not if you don't want to," Jessica agreed. She started walking towards the kitchen. Then, as if it had just occurred to her, she called out over her shoulder, "So, what are we gonna do with the thousand bucks we just won?"

"What?!" I shrieked. I couldn't help the smile that spread on my face. I hurried after her. "He actually bought it?"

"He agreed to pay!" Jessica grinned in poorly contained joy. She'd obviously been itching to tell me this since we'd left the bar. "We're rich! Or, well, slightly less poor for a week or two."

I laughed; that about summed it up. "I guess our plan was a success after all."

Not at all tired anymore, we spent the next hour coming up with different and exciting ways to spend the cash we'd earned. It was fun, and by the time we'd finished last night's left-over pizzas, we were both laughing hard, coming up with wilder and wilder ideas – one of which included Jessica buying a horse. I didn't feel the need to point out that a thousand dollars was nowhere near enough for a horse. I was just glad that we were friends again – and that the conversation was successfully distracting me from the fact that I would have to make up my mind about Matthew. Soon.

Finally at around midnight we both retreated to our own bedrooms. We hadn't come to any conclusion about how to spend our money. I was pretty sure that my five hundred was going towards paying the rent and that Jessica's was going to be spent on clothes, but it was fun to dream about actually doing something different. Something we wouldn't do without the money.

I'd just made myself comfortable in my bed and closed my eyes to wait for sleep to come, when my cell phone beeped. Sitting up, I picked it up from the floor next to my bed. My heart hammered as I opened the text message.

I realize that tonight I punched your ex in the face, ran off, and yelled at you on the street. Just wanted to let you know that despite all that, I had fun. Sweet dreams. xxx Matt

After reading the simple message through about ten times, I took a shallow breath, pressed 'reply', and started typing.

I had fun, too. Good night. Bella

I stared at what I had written for what felt like hours. Did it sound stupid? Yes. Yes, it did. I erased it and tried again.

LOL! I had fun too. Good night! xo Bella

Okay, definitely not. Scowling, I cleared the field again. Why was I having such trouble coming up with a simple text message? I'd been a teenager in the new millennium; I knew how to text.

I had fun too. xo Bella

Well... This was probably the best I could do. It was simple. It said it all, but it didn't say too much. I used x' and o's for friends; those didn't really mean anything. And I'd actually had fun, all things considered. Before I could start second-guessing myself again, I pressed 'send', threw my phone on the floor, and buried my face in my pillow.

My cell phone didn't beep again that night. I knew this because I stayed awake until three am, waiting – half in dread, half in anticipation – for it to do so.

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Author's Note:

I know it's been a while (sorry) but I was editing. Chapters 1 to 32 are now new and improved. Not many changes were made, so it's not necessary to go back and re-read. Unless you want to. :)

Chapter 34 will be the last one. *sob* But it will be the longest chapter in this story. And there will be a sequel. Probably.

As always, reviews are much appreciated!

xoxo Laura