Analyze Me

She was the expert and he was another subject but somehow they had just switched roles.

Chapter 4: Wanting

"Check mate"

I raised an eyebrow and huffed. "For the sixth time Kari we are playing bullshit and that is a card came. It is not or in anyway related to checkers, chess, go, or anything involving a checkered board."

"How I suppose to win then?" Kari pouted.

"It depends on strategy." I grin.

"Oh, so you picked this game because you know I'd loose."


It's the weekend and I thought I could have it all to myself, yet here we are sitting in Dumples Park. Not that I mind because it's a nice place—for a change. You've got lots of lush green grass that makes you feel like your on cushions so no scraped knees, tall, healthy trees for all those proud climbers with hardly any insects thus, no need for hysterics and a little sand-box with the usual entourage of slides and swings for the kiddies. They even invested on maroon colored picnic benches which we have situated ourselves on. Now the reason why we are here is absolutely professional. School project if I may say and Kari decided that we do a pro-environmental piece. A grand idea really and I can truthfully say I was intrigued but that intrigue feeling…is currently dead.

Reasons as to why is because when I asked her how we would proceed, she simply smiled and brought me here to clear our minds. However, this statement translates into wasting time and waiting for inspiration to nip us in the butt. Normally that wouldn't be a problem if your partner didn't have a record of inspiration hitting on the last two days, and being forced to pull an all-nighter, so coming presentation time…


…You're shit and everyone knows it and you don't even score sympathy points.

"Kari, this is stupid our project needs to get done so what do we do?"

"You know for a therapist you really lack the essentials." Kari pointed out. "You can't always expect things to just happen so you need to wait."

I nod at her explanation and I wanted to remind her who was a good grade point average while the other was on risk of failing all seven courses, but it's sometimes best to keep reality from colliding.

I drop my cards on the table and groan. Everywhere I look I see green and we can't even produce once single thought? I find this does not make sense, nature is supposed to be the mother of tranquility, the beginnings of a cycle. Everyone knows that life started with what we see before us and we are supposed to create work that expresses its deep beauty. If an artist can just sit for hours and paint why can't we think of an idea? I glare at my partner but she's too busy soaking up the sun's rays to notice. There were many things I could have been doing honestly. Clean the house—although I have been avoiding it, shop for some work clothes—yet all who know me knows that my money would just go for a top and the rest on food.

The point is I had had other options.

Am I cursed to be surrounded by people who frustrate me? Will I forever have to schedule much needed yoga time? And why is it with I say the words 'frustrate' and 'yoga' that person's face pops up too?

This is too bothersome.


"Don't you hear it?"

Suddenly I feel like we are in a movie. One of us hears something the other doesn't because the one who hears is somehow magical. While the friend, is a realist and believes that thinking outside the box is pointless. Soon enough the magical infested friend will sprint off in search of something while the realistic one chases after her and so a magical adventure begins.

Too bad that sort of thing just doesn't happen.

"I've got it!" Kari burst out while opening her eyes as if she had just recovered from a vision or something.

"Sometimes I'm not sure you do" I say pleasantly as she rolls her eyes but she knows I'm joking.

"Birds, we can do it on birds Cass." Kari excitedly rambles, "it can be a collage or a video or just do nature you know?"

I am speechless.

I can't even begin to illustrate how grammatically wrong her sentence was. I can't even string how what she just said can help us. I mean the first two were mediocre but achievable. Yet how do you just do…nature? In a non-sexual context—I need new friends all this must mean that Kari and I are unstable.

"You're unbelievably useless sometimes." I tell her flatly as the twinkle in her eyes diminishes and surprisingly I feel really good.

It was silent between us and I look to her but she was busy packing up. Kari is mostly dramatic and always likes to play victim so I say nothing as she starts to walk away. Usually I would just let her go but we really needed to get some work done. "Come on Kari don't be so sour." If she wants to be the victor I'll give it to her, otherwise it will be another childish fit. Unfortunately I was not prepared for what I saw. Stopping in her tracks she looks at me and I swear I just stop all my breathing.

In all my years I don't seem to recall a time where my, let just say…bluntness really affected her. So seeing those droplets leaving her hazel colored eyes reminded me of how Bambi felt when his mother died. Also what she said next added to my guilt.

"I know I'm not to your level Cassidy, but I give my hardest without seeming like a conceited bitch. So in all sweetness of the word I'm about to express…go fuck yourself Cassidy Jones."

I didn't bother to stop her because I know that I have gone too far. Sitting back on the bench I pull my hair and let out an angry cry. Great, now even my best friend can't even stand me. That says a lot for the rest of my social life. It isn't like we don't fight, so I'm going to give her space. Come tomorrow we will make up and can continue with our project.

() ()



Don't you hate it when the things that are supposed to happen don't turn out? I do because it's been at least two weeks since we've last spoke, we being Kari and I. I've tried texting, calling, just showing up where she would be—yes I am aware how stalker-like that may be and not because of the looks I got either. I even went completely old school and wrote a letter.

"Why so glum chum?"

I even forgot where I am and whom I am with. I sigh heavily and shake my head. There was no way I am telling him anything. Looking at my phone I hope for good news but still nothing. Goodness this week is going to be long.

"Are you being visited?"

I cock an eyebrow at his choice of words. "visited?"

He nodded as if what he said was absolutely normal. "I know that you females get rather sensitive on certain times and I'm wondering if this is it."

God bless I was not drinking water or I would be have choked and died. I refuse to answer or even acknowledge his claim because it is none of his business and downright creepy that he should know when I'm being 'visited' as he calls it.

"It's nothing serious. My friend and I are…in a rut." I tell him carefully choosing my words.

"Ah, so you were a brute and were not mindful to her feelings, thus causing her to retaliate and now she is not speaking to you." Elliot said in a clam calculative manner as he bit into his red apple with that nicely shaped mouth of his.

Another thing which irked me was that he knew who was at fault. Does it indicate that I indeed a bad person, that I must think before I speak and shield everyone? Am I to say only what is expected and not what I believe—sure that may have been redundant because of the type person I am but does the rule just not apply for those close to me?

"Thinking hurts." I mumbled as I felt a hand on top of my head, "I'm not a child."

Instead of responding he gave me a warm smile and I felt my face get hot. It's a curious thing the feeling which resides in my chest. It is as if just talking to him makes everything seem clearer. As if my worries are in a thing of the past and it was time to just relax. Another surprise is the way he looks at me. I don't know how to describe it and although I'll be sounding like a romantic fool his long stares no longer repulse me. Instead I look forward to them and when they do happen, everything around me is nonexistent. This feeling that I'm experiencing can also be describe like being wrapped in a warm cocoon and just wanting to snuggle for a real long time.

"Cassidy, are you still with me?"

I don't answer because of the fear of letting out something uncomfortable for even my ears. "Can I ask you a question?"

"I hope I can answer it." His attempt to be humorous just amazes me.

I look at him because I need to know the truth and nothing else. I know I may not show it because of my own insecurities. Yet, knowing that I may be unsupportable is slightly frightening. I never considered myself a detestable person really. I am merely a being wanting to serve a person, wanting to be a part of some great accomplishment. "How do you put up with me? I constantly badger you; I don't say sweet things, and frankly I just want your money—with the exception that you come out a better person."

He was silent and I know why. The answer is what I fear I don't know how to handle it.

"You're not easy because you close yourself to everyone with sarcasm and wit, yet your kind because you give a damn and it's because you give a damn that I and everyone else puts up with you."

I sat silent and faintly heard him get his things together. I have never had someone say that to me. Kind…a rare word in my vocabulary that would be used to identify me, and for him to say it so, could it be honestly true? When he reached the door I looked up to say something, but he pinned with that same indescribably look. I knew that our time was up and that I had some revision to do.

Who would have thought that that I was just as much as a patient as he is.

() ()



I waited for her at her locker knowing that she usually stops by before biology. I heard the clicking from her heeled flats when they suddenly came to a stop. I looked up and saw her stiff figure look at me with uncertainty. Her mind is deciding whether to confront me or walk away, but this time I'm not going to back down so easily.

"You know you need your books for bio." I say trying to keep the sass out of my tone. Too bad it was noted for her eyes narrowed as she stuck up her upright nose and marched towards her locker.

We said nothing as she rummaged but I took this as a good sign. Deep down I know we need to talk and her stalling meant that she wanted to listen. Also, I see her books on the top shelf.

"Kari I know I was harsh, but you must already know I don't exactly think before speaking." I tell her in a diplomatic way.

She stopped her movement and breathed in and out. "Well sometimes your choice of tone with the words you use is pretty convincing."

I blinked and couldn't stop the laugh that erupted from me. "Are you serious? We know each other for years Kari; you should be use to me."

"It's not that I'm not Cass, but it's just that sometimes I'm fed up of being put down or as the friend who's looking for a good time."

"Might I add that you usually are because your record clearly shows—"

"Cassidy can you shut up?" She shouted. Thank the lord nobody stopped and stared. "This is what I'm talking about. You always have to seem like you know everything and for once I wish you didn't. For once it would be nice if my friend wasn't a psychoanalyst; for once it would be nice if you could be normal and just hangout with me…without it having it to be work related."

My mouth was able to produce any kind of sounds. The wheels in my head were spinning while trying to make sense of all this. Knowing that my best friend wants me to be or at least act like someone I'm not is not always what you want to hear. Without even realizing it my fist were clenched and I felt the need to hit. To hit her for even saying such a ridiculous thing. "So you're saying you want someone who is nothing like me." It sounds a lot worse saying it out loud.

Kari shook her head and I prepared myself for her to say something nice to smooth everything over. "I'm saying that what you said to me got me thinking that maybe we aren't as compatible as I previously thought."

I watched her close her locker and give me a brief smile before walking away. I didn't chase after her or tried to have the last word. For the first time in a long time I, Cassidy Jones, did not know what to do.

And that scared me the most.

() ()



When I arrived home I went instantly to my room. I did not acknowledge my sister's probing nor do any work. I was hurting and wanted some relief. Pills wouldn't do the trick, but could probably cure my throbbing head. I was not sure if this series of event meant that Kari and I were no longer friends. I could say that we are taking a break, but in couple lingo you could pretty much spell it out that it was over.

Although, Kari and I are merely in a friendship…so does us 'breaking' mean there's a chance for reconciliation?

I picked myself up and glared at my full length mirror. My eyes and nose were red and it was a color I hadn't seen in a while. I needed a distraction of some sort because thinking led to more frustration and tears that I am not sure I could spill. However, I had heard that we are stocked with water so I'm guessing I'm up for another round.

My apartment felt silent meaning my sister was out and about. I left my room and wondered to the kitchen for something to eat. In great times of sadness, food and Asian dramas have become my first aid kit. So with my bowl of pasta and latest drama in hand I was ready, but life had other plans.

Because the phone rang.

I let it do its business as I stubbornly believed I could outlast it.

"Need to invest on an answering machine soon." I gritted as I stood up and picked up the cordless.

I didn't greet because whoever was calling called me first so they just speak. Although, if I don't speak then they night think things and will end up calling back so it would be better to get it over it.

"Is this how you answer your phone?"

My mind stopped because of who was on the other line. I know he doesn't have my number but yet it's his voice. Looking at my phone in confusion I go to my living room squared shaped window and checked the lighted parking lot. In scary movies, those who call are always not too far.

"Where are you?" I ask him still looking out the window.

"Relax I'm not outside your home watching you look out your window." He laughed.

I raised an eyebrow. "Who said I was by the window."

"Are you?" He asked curiously and I can tell he is smiling. Damn bastard thinks he's got me figured out.

Pulling my curtains closed I walk back to my mustard colored couch. "Don't be stupid; now why are you calling me, it's really late."

"You aren't even curious as to how I got your number?" He chuckled. "You must have wanted me to call for a while now."

I sigh. Why did guys have to boost their egos all the time? "I'm going to hang up and block your number."

"No wait, I'm sorry." He said. "I just wanted to see how you're holding up."

Am I suddenly gone down the scale to the fragile character? For goodness sake as far as I'm concerned I'm an independent individual who by all means need not a knight in shining armor.

"Everything is fine Elliot." I lied, "did you need something?"

"Just wanted to hear your voice." He said softly.

I hate how tongue-tied he can make me and probably doesn't even know it. I curled onto the couch with my knees tucked in and head against a pillow. My breathing was slow and rhythmic while listening to his which began to comfort me. We didn't need to speak because just having him on the other line was appreciable. Just knowing that someone cares was…enough.

"Thanks and I'm trying to make sense of my life up to now." I told him.

"Well think of it this way. Life can not be worked out in one night; it is a living process that carries many obstacles. Therefore, if you try to make sense of the now, the later is going to mess you up even more."

I laughed at his analogy, who would have thought that he had a brain. I don't know how long we stayed on the line for. We just talked and talked and slowly I no longer felt pathetic or a failure. In a strange way Elliot did have reason. I can't keep trying to fix all that goes wrong because something is always going to be wrong. Kari and I might never speak again but for now I won't dwell on it. For now I'll just enjoy what I have right now.

The only thing that crosses my mind though, is the in later I would like to have it involve a certain green-eyed, cocky guy who might have done something I did not see coming.

So Before you all ask, I have been around (clean style for all you dirty minds out there) and basically I honestly wasn't going to update but my good friend Samii A.K.A Sunshine In My Veins told me "at least write a sentence everyday and who knows…inspiration might hit" or something along those lines, but I think that's it and it worked!

So here I am with another chapter and made me feel happy beans for doing it. Also check out her stuff me thinks you'll all like it, well I did anyway hehe

I hope you all enjoyed and I hope to write again soon!

-Dreaming Wonderland