I have never hated a piece of furniture
More than I hate
Shawn and Michelle's living room
Couch.
I hate it because
It is gray, which is like
Beige's third cousin that everyone
Feels sorry for.
I hate it because
It is suede and you have to rub it
All in the same direction after someone has sat on it
to get it looking the way you want.
I hate it because
It is "chic minimalist", which are just
Overblown words for "without anything
in the way of decoration because
We're not attached to
material things like that".
I hate it because
There is a coffee table in front of it
That is simultaneously too close
To rest your feet on and too far away
To actually put coffee.
I hate it because
It is rigid in ways no furniture should be,
Making it impossible to enjoy without
throwing your legs over one side and using
about four decorative pillows, which is
generally frowned upon when not related to
The owners of said couch.
But the honest-to-God ultimate reason
I hate Shawn and Michelle's couch
Is the fact that they have one and we do not.
They have stem glasses full of red wine
On their inconvenient coffee table and we do not.
They have the decorating style
To use concepts like "unity of form" and "swag"
and we do not.
They have each other every day for the rest
Of their lives-
And we do not.