I have never hated a piece of furniture

More than I hate

Shawn and Michelle's living room

Couch.

I hate it because

It is gray, which is like

Beige's third cousin that everyone

Feels sorry for.

I hate it because

It is suede and you have to rub it

All in the same direction after someone has sat on it

to get it looking the way you want.

I hate it because

It is "chic minimalist", which are just

Overblown words for "without anything

in the way of decoration because

We're not attached to

material things like that".

I hate it because

There is a coffee table in front of it

That is simultaneously too close

To rest your feet on and too far away

To actually put coffee.

I hate it because

It is rigid in ways no furniture should be,

Making it impossible to enjoy without

throwing your legs over one side and using

about four decorative pillows, which is

generally frowned upon when not related to

The owners of said couch.

But the honest-to-God ultimate reason

I hate Shawn and Michelle's couch

Is the fact that they have one and we do not.

They have stem glasses full of red wine

On their inconvenient coffee table and we do not.

They have the decorating style

To use concepts like "unity of form" and "swag"

and we do not.

They have each other every day for the rest

Of their lives-

And we do not.