My Life On A Bad Day...

September 14, 2009

As my world is crashing and falling apart, I just cry. There goes my life, spinning uncontrollably into the darkness. I cannot even speak, for when I try, it all comes out as sobs. It makes me sick. In a place where I try to do good; where I try to help others; where I try to make everything right; where i8 try so hard to keep everything in balance. They just ruin it. I hate pain; I hate hate itself; hate sadness; hate anger and fighting. Into my world they bring it. They never talk, only yell. They no longer try to agreewith anyone, they just fight to try and become the "supreme". There are no hugs or kind words or "I love you". Just a few hits or scolds or "I don't care. They do not listen, just "assume" that they know. They do not want to understand. They tell me they do not care, or that they don't want to listen to my problems. All of their stress and distrust falls back on me, since I am the oldest. They punish me for things that I have not done, or they punish me and tell me that I do not need to knw what I did, expecting me to somehow miraculously fix it anyway. If I ask what I have done wrong, it is considered "disrespecting". I am not allowed to show any emotions.I am not supposed to have feelings at all. No one is there to listen to me when I need it most. They tell me that I have to achieve certain goals to earn my privelages, which is reasonable, but when I get there, once I am finally to the top; I get knocked right back down again. I work so hard and do so much to get there, to be pushed right down to the bottom once again. When I do achieve those goals, I still have no freedom. I may only use the phone and internet. That isn't what I want. I want to have fun. I want to hang out with friends, or go to them to the mall or skating or movies. I want to be treated like everyone else my age. No, I do not want the privelages of a seventeen year old. I just want to have the chance to enjoy being a kid while I still can. Then, there is my safe haven. In my bed with Blankie and a stuffed animal, providing warmth and comfort. Or even at school, where my friends love me for me. Not for how many chres I can or cannot do within five minutes. They actually accept the fact that I am not perfect. Instead of showing anger and hatred because I am not. They know how to treat me because they do understand. They do not hate me or say that they do not care. They do not get upset with me if they are not absolutely positive that they have areason. They also let me fix it if I do mess up. There's also him. He makes me feel like I belong, too. Like I am actually wanted. He cares more than many people do. He treats me better than I thought possible. Being my one little star in a surrounding of blackness, he, along with my friends and God give me a reason to go further. A reason to keep trying and not just give up. They give me the encouragement I need to make it through each day.