Today, my two best friends finally admitted to each other their mutual attraction. That is, they kissed. And I'm happy for them! I was initially concerned, when I first saw the signs a year and a half ago, but now, I'm just happy.

And, admittedly, a bit concerned. But not for the reasons I used to be.

That being said, let's back up a bit.

Linda is my roommate of three years and best friend. I've never connected with a friend on the level that I have with Linda. I know I can tell her anything, and she knows that she can tell me anything. I trust her unconditionally, I value her judgment, and I know that she cares for my wellbeing. We like the same sort of things, and we get along wonderfully. I feel so blessed to have met her, and to have been so fortunate as to have had her for a roommate for three years, going on four.

Will is my other best friend. We dated, several years back, but now our feelings for each other are entirely platonic. He helped me get over my aversion to physical contact with men after I was sexually assaulted. I trust him unconditionally, and I value his judgment. He keeps things rather close to the vest, but I'm sure he knows he can tell me anything. I know that anything I tell him in confidence will never be repeated, and I know that I can trust most everything he says to be true.

I care so much for both of them—so, so much! And I know it sounds hard to believe, but I care for them only in the platonic sense. They fit like hand and glove, and it makes me happy to see them together.

He was her first kiss. And how romantic their story is! Situations had led to them sharing a twin bed on a cold night, and when they woke up in the morning, they started giving each other Eskimo kisses. Linda, somewhat jokingly, said, "Well, why don't you give me a real kiss?" Will asked her if she really wanted one. Linda said, coyly, "Meh-beh". And they kissed.

And then they kissed some more.

Totally romantic, right?! It totally warms my heart to hear that story! I'm so, so, so happy for them! I could see the joy that it gave Linda, when she told me about it later that day. She was over the moon, and I love to see her that way! I'm excited to see Will tomorrow, because I can remember the person he was when we started dating, and I'm so excited to see him so happy again!

Which leads me directly to my concern.

I don't know what I should or shouldn't say. Will was my first kiss—Will is Linda's first kiss (albeit four years removed). Will was my first (and only) boyfriend—Will is Linda's first (and only) boyfriend. There's no jealousy here, at least on my side (and I've been candid enough with Linda that she should know that she has no competition from me). That being said, it seems like it's in poor taste to mention that Will and I once dated. It probably is. But it comes so naturally to me! I love seeing them both happy! The only time I have to compare—the happiest I'd ever seen Will was when we first started dating (before I threw monkey wrench after monkey wrench into our relationship). He hasn't been that way for a long time. The first time I ever saw him so happy again was when I realized he was falling in love with Linda. And it made me happy, when I noticed that Linda was falling for him as well.

I told them both, as soon as I saw it, that I was concerned. I didn't want them getting hurt. They're both so close to me, and so much part of my world. I was briefly worried about being the third wheel, but I know they both care about me much too much to let that happen. No, that's not what my concern was. My main concern was that they'd find something that was a sticking point, like religion, and that it would tear them apart. Will and I were torn apart (ostensibly) by our differing religious beliefs—he's an atheist, and I'm a Christian. I realize now that what really tore us apart was my deep-seated fear of commitment. Still, the religion thing played into it. And Linda's a Christian, even if she's doubting pretty heavily right now. I was worried that Will's evangelical atheism would cause the same clashes with Will and Linda as it did with Will and me.

And here again lies my problem. I only have one relationship to go off of. And it happens to be with the man who my female best friend is in some sort of nebulous relationship-defining-phase with. Oh, and that man? He's my other best friend. I'm worried that I'm drawing parallels between our two relationships, and worried that I'm right to do so, and worried that it's unkind for me do to so.

So, to recap: My best-friend/ex-boyfriend and roommate/best-friend have liked each other for over a year now. They finally kissed. Roommate-best-friend told me right after it happened, and I'm truly ecstatic for them and their happiness! I just don't know how to handle the fact that my roommate-best-friend is now dating my exboyfriend-best-friend. I don't have any feelings for him, to reiterate. I just don't know how to go about speaking candidly with her about her relationship.

I've always been super, duper candid with Linda, and she's been likewise. Now and again, I'll make references to when Will and I used to date. It's a time that happened, but it's over now, and she knows that. It's just, now that they're probably on their way to dating, I don't know if it's kosher to mention that anymore.

And there's the other problem.

Will and I are in the same major. People always see us together. People, I'm pretty sure, assume we are dating (because it's common knowledge that, at one point, we were). I'm dreading the pity that I know will come, when Will and Linda go public. People will look at me with that knowing expression, thinking that I've been left for my roommate. It's not that way, but there are very few people who actually know and/or understand how our friendship works. Most just assumed we were unofficially dating.

I hate being pitied. I hate those people that will think, "Poor girl. I wonder why he didn't choose her. She must be feeling horrific right now."

I'm not. I'm so, so happy for them! I want to see them hug, and cuddle, and kiss, because they both deserve it! Seeing them in such a euphoric state warms my heart.

But no one will believe that. It sounds too good to be true.

It makes me think that I need to get a boyfriend, just to prove to them all that I'm not the pitiable one. But wouldn't that make me even more pitiful?

And as happy as I am for them, I can't bring myself to beam. I don't know why, but something holds me back. Is it because I know I can never kiss Will again, even platonically? (I don't know. He hasn't been mine to kiss for quite a while, regardless). Is that rather melodramatic of me? (Yes.) Is it because I'm worried that they'll start to depend on and confide in each other more than they confide in me? (Yes.) Am I worried that, despite promises to the contrary, they'll leave me in the dust, a broken training wheel on a bicycle now ready to go on it's own? (A little.) I don't know why I worry about this. I know how much I mean to both of them.

And it's not like there wasn't imbalance in our little friendship triangle before; it was just with me and Will instead of with Will and Linda. Will and I frequently made out—a relic of the time that I was terrified to make any sort of physical contact with men. This was after our relationship ended, and the passion had died. I was sexually assaulted, and I only trusted Will to not take advantage of me. He taught me how to make glancing contact without wincing, to shake hands again, to hug again, to receive massages again, to kiss again, without all the horrible memories coming into my head. And after I had gotten over it, well, it just felt nice, so we didn't stop. Not until Will started falling in love with Linda.

He was the one that called it off. I asked for a cuddle a week and a half ago, and he said no. I think that was when I knew that he'd made his mind up—that he was going to be faithful to Linda. Even if we were all just platonic, it'd be bad to be making out with the object of your affections' roommate.

See, I'm just not quite sure where this puts me.

I'm his best friend; I'm her best friend. I'm her roommate; I'm his ex-girlfriend. I'm her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend; I'm his girlfriend's roommate.

Why is it that I always find myself in situations and roles that even soap opera writers would find absurdly complicated and ridiculously farfetched?

Anyway, I'm not going to ruin this for them. They deserve this. Linda deserves the best first relationship ever, and Will deserves a relationship with someone that isn't constantly sabotaging the relationship. I want this to be great for them, more than anything. I'm crying right now, because I so, so, so want them to find happiness in this. Where that places me, for now, is secondary.

I'll just... I don't know. I'll just make it work.