8Hi. I'd just like to say i won't update so quickly normally. I've just had quite a bit of free time lately. But don't worry 4 weeks and then i'll be typing as often as bunnies go at it. If you get what i mean...
A loud alarm buzzed, causing the bedside table to vibrate. It was the morning and the sun was peeking through the green curtains, "It can't be morning already." Ivy moaned in to her pillow, "I just got to sleep."
She made an attempt at pulling her arm from underneath her and turning off the alarm clock, but she missed and hit the lamp off the table, "Damn it." She propped herself up so she could see the alarm and turned it off.
Ivy savoured the awful taste in her mouth as she jumped out of bed and sped downstairs eager for food to wash down the awful taste, "I'm dead sure I washed my teeth." She muttered as she took the last step of her staircase in to the kitchen.
Her mother, Jacqueline was in the kitchen, making some muesli, "Hey Kitten." Jacqueline was the queen of weird nicknames.
Jacqueline looked just like her daughter, she too had long, thick brown hair, but her hair had a slight auburn tinge to it from her latest dye job. Her crows feet were quite defined, as were her laugh lines, but they seemed to give character to her small heart shaped face. She too, was pale, but not nearly as pale as Ivy.
"Hey Mom." Ivy screwed up her face before grabbing a nearly empty bottle of orange juice and chugged it down. Her mother looked at her confused. "Bad taste in my mouth."
Her mom nodded, "Did you brush your teeth?"
"Yes."
"Really?" Her mother raised an eyebrow.
"Yes, Mom."
"Then you're not drinking enough water."
"Oh." Ivy poured some milk in to a bowl filled with muesli, before her mother grabbed it off her.
"Kitten, you are not going to eat that much." Jacqueline closed the milk cartoon and then put it back in the fridge. "And besides, muesli and milk is to be earned, not just taken for free."
Ivy rolled her eyes and proceeded to eat her muesli, "Whatever." She said through a mouth of cereal.
Her mother just glared at her before walking off, probably to get changed for work; she was children's court judge.
Ivy finished her breakfast and then ran back up the stairs to her bedroom to get dressed. She pulled out a pair of skinny jeans and a Velvet underground t-shirt with a banana on it. Her chucks/connies/converse were waiting for her at her bedroom door, so she grabbed them and the looked for the hairbrush that was probably on the floor somewhere.
She scrambled on the floor for it before finding it under bed along with a hair tie, "Fantastic." She jumped back up and ran to the bathroom knowing she was late, for Jack was going to pick her up in 2 minutes, if he came on time.
She pulled her hair up in to a simple ponytail, discarding the broken one she wore to bed last night.
She collected her books for the day and raced downstairs just in time to hear the beep on Jack's car.
Ivy looked at her watch, "Fantastic, he's on time."
"First day of school, yuck." Jack moaned as Ivy hopped in to the car and slammed the door.
"Yep." She muttered to herself as she did her seat belt up and settled in to the car seat. "Back to homework."
Jack moaned again, "Don't remind me."
They were silent for the rest of the trip to school. It was a comfortable silence, though.
"Oh my gosh." The shuddering high pitch squeal that echoed over the school halls could only be Tessa's. "Ivy, have you gotten taller over summer."
Tessa was a reasonably short, blonde. Her blonde hair was cut to about her shoulders styled with free flowing curls from about under her ear (Cameron Diaz's hair cut). She was tan and athletic looking.
She was wearing short shorts and an Iggy pop t-shirt.
Tessa reached Ivy and whispered, leaning in to her, "Your boobs got bigger, too." She smiled, "What are you like a 18A now?"
Ivy rolled her eyes, "Yes." She leaned in close to Tessa, "To both questions."
Tessa laughed, "So you went the extra mile, huh?"
"5,11." Ivy nodded.
"Lucky." Tessa sighed, "I'm only 5, 8 and a half."
"I know that, Tess." Ivy turned to open her locker, "I've known you my whole life. I know your bra size too."
"Just complaining so if there is a god, he'll hear me and make me taller." She opened the locker next to Ivy's.
"I'm not sure it works like that." Ivy stuffed her bag in to the locker.
"Oh well. It's worth a try." Tessa shrugged and then changed the subject, "Let's go get our schedules from the office."
"Okay." Ivy followed Tessa to the office.
They searched for their names. "Found yours." Ivy handed a sheet of paper with a schedule on it. "Found mine." She snatched hers off the table when she saw it and glanced at her timetable.
Monday
9:00 Calculous
10:05 English Extension 2
11:20 Morning Break
11:40 Chemistry
1:00 Lunch break
1:50 Biology
3:10 Maths Extension 1
"Oh, great. I've got an after school class." Ivy complained.
"Really, which one?" Tessa peered over at Ivy's schedule, "Bummer, you got Maths after school. Poor you."
"Oi! I like maths." Ivy sighed, "What I don't like is walking home, because my lift has already gone."
"Speaking of your lift." Tessa nudged Ivy.
Ivy looked up to see Jack standing there, "H-h-hi… Jack." She stuttered out.
"Hey Ivy." He looked down and started fiddling with his hands, but then looked back up again, "I can't take you home today."
"Why?" Ivy wondered, even though she had the class.
"I have Maths Extension 1."
"I have that too."
"Oh, great. Then I'll take you home." He stood there for a second before turning on his heels and walking away.
Tessa turned to Ivy; "I can't believe you get to spend 40 minutes with that man every day." She said in a dreamy state, "So lucky."
"Not Saturday and Sunday."
"Still."
Morning break came slowly. Listening to Mr Sullivan, Ivy's English Extension 1 Teacher had just about bored her to tears. I never knew someone could rant about one line of a poem for 80 minutes. Ivy thought as she walked in to the lunchroom and took her usual seat by the window.
Tessa was waiting for her, along with Tessa's cousin Katrina, who was also a senior. Though she was Tessa's cousin, Katrina didn't look like Tessa at all. Katrina had long black hair that was almost always tied up in a ballerina bun, for she was one. She had amazing brown eyes that were like little pools of brown with green flecks in it. It was as if some leaves had fallen in to a pool of dark chocolate. Her skin was extremely tanned. She was quite short and skinny; some would say she had the perfect ballerina physique. She was also good as water polo. But so were Ivy and Tessa.
"Hey Kat." Ivy sat down at the table, "How was Texas?"
"Hot, sticky, sweaty." She looked up from her lasagne with a glint in her eye and a smile on her face, "Cute cowboys, though."
Tessa piped up, "Did they wear the cow boy hats and everything?"
Kat turned to Tessa, "Yes and they rode horses too!"
Loud whispers interrupted the girlish squeals about cowboys and everyone turned to the lunchroom doors where an especially tanned, especially blonde and especially short skirted (?) girl stood with her hands on her hips and a smirk on her face. Summer.
Summer Wheatley was the epitome of popular, social hierarchy, Queen Bee status and just general bitchiness. Most people thought of her badly, but were scared to say it to her face and Ivy was no different. Because, Ivy thought that Summer was perfect, on the outside anyway. She had long blonde hair that was shiny and clean and she never had bad hair days. Her eyes were a sparkling sapphire blue. Her body was perfectly toned and she never looked awkward or like she was in the wrong place. She always managed to stand out in a crowd, especially with those short miniskirts and mid-riff tops that were only popular in the 90s but actually looked good on her.
Ivy sighed, "Summer." She started to think about how lucky Summer was to have Jack, but that she deserved him.
Kat groaned, "Summer."
Tessa groaned, "Cat poo."
Ivy turned to Tessa, "What where?" She checked over her clothes and on her shoes.
Tessa directed Ivy's head to the bleach blonde walking in her scanty clothes and extra high high heels. "That. She's cat poo. You shouldn't even give her a second glance."
"I hate her. You know I do." Ivy looked down at her peanut butter sandwich, "But she kind of makes up for it with her amazing prettiness."
Tessa gave Ivy the glare of all glares, "She's an evil witch. I don't want to catch you talking about her like that."
"Like what?"
"In a positive manner." Tessa seethed as if it was the most horrendous thing to do.
Ivy rolled her eyes, "Okay. If that's what makes you happy."
"It does."
The end of school bell rang and everyone rushed out of their seats, everyone except for Ivy, she dragged herself out of her seat and into her next class, sitting down and slumping at her new desk. She was just too tired to take one more class and enjoy it. Fourth period had been bad enough for her.
She was sitting next to Jeremy, the smartest kid ever to roam the halls of Redford. He was in all the top classes and got 100% on almost all his tests. His white blonde hair hung just below his ears and his black thin-framed glasses sat on the tip of his nose as he looked down at his work, even though the class hadn't even started.
"Hi Ivory." He said in his particularly wheezy voice as looked over at Ivy, giving her the once over, "Nice summer?"
"Yes. It was quite good." Ivy said, nonchalantly. "How was yours?" She wasn't particularly interested, but she didn't want to ignore him.
"Mine was great. I went to Math Camp!" He said with a little too much enthusiasm.
"Sounds Fun." They were interrupted by the teacher before they could talk any more. Ivy sighed with relief, she didn't really know what to say when she was talking to Jeremy; they had nothing in common. Ivy was an english girl and he was a science and math kind of guy.
Ivy looked over to see Jack, he was writing down the notes the teacher was writing on the board. Noticing Ivy, he turned to her and whispered, "Hi."
"Hi." Ivy whispered back, writing the notes down quickly before she got behind.
"We're the unlucky ones, getting an after school class."
"Mmm, but its better than getting a morning class."
"Yeah, I guess."
"Mom, I'm home." Ivy yelled as she threw her bag next to the umbrella holder and walked in to the kitchen.
"I'm in here." Her mother yelled from the living room.
Ivy walked in to the living room to see her mother watching Oprah and painting her toenails a bright red. "What's going on?"
Her mother turned to her with a smile, "I'm going on a date."
Ivy's mother had been on many unsuccessful dates since Ivy's father died when she was two. The dates would bring her mother hope, but when they turned out badly, it would bring her mother down.
"Mom, do you think that's such a good idea?" Ivy asked her mother, sitting down on the leather couch, "Going on a date?"
Ivy's mother patted Ivy's back, "He's a friend. I'm just going to see if we can make it more than friendship."
Ivy's mouth pulled in to a firm line, "Mkay…" She walked off with out another word. She had always worried about her mother.
Ivy walked up to her room. In the window she was Jack. He was lazily lying back on his bed. When he saw Ivy he sat up and smiling and waving before looking down at his note pad and writing something, "Bored?"
Ivy nodded and reached over her bed for her note pad, "Yes. Mom's going on a date."
"Oh."
"I know."
Jack knew all about Ivy's mom's troubles, because he would often, after the dates see her storm out of her date's car in an angry mess.
"Better get to homework."
"Yeah. Better."
Did you love it? I know you did!
autumnx 2009-10-27 . chapter 1
lol cute nerds are the best!
update soon :D
They are aren't they...
darkgurl92 2009-10-27 . chapter 1oh yes cant wait for things to get better..
update soon.
Things will get worse before they get better. And i did update soon, but don't expect it often.
Sam 2009-10-27 . chapter 1I love You belong with me! (the song )
I like this 2. and i like where its going
please continue
Well i continued didn't i? And i'm glad you like the song, Taylor Swift is too!
Eclipsia Soulbird 2009-10-27 . chapter 1Careful with too much description. We have the entire story to learn about the characters. You can just call him "Jack Daniels" and later on have one of his parents say "Jackson!" and we the readers will be pleasantly surprised, like, "Oh, so Jack is short for Jackson and he's not just named after the whiskey."
Same with Ivy.
This isn't a flame. This story shows so much promise that I don't want it to slip through the cracks of FictionPress just because of too much description. I love the Taylor Swift song and I love where I think this story is going.
Just a note: You mention Ivy's "gold-brown hair" twice. We only need to know it once now and maybe once more in chapter 9, if the story has that many chapters.
And I don't know if you realized you were doing this, but the start of almost every other paragraph is either "Jack" or "Ivy." Since we've already established their names are Jack and Ivy, you can start using pronouns more.
Example:
He rolled his eyes. "Yes." Jack flashes her the message and then flips the page to write a slightly longer note. "We could just open the windows to talk..."
Laughing, Ivy holds up her message. "This is more fun!"
-
I might edit out some description, especially between dialog, and add another scene to this chapter in order to make it longer. Think of your favorite stories. How much description is there between the characters chatting with one another? The answer is hopefully "Not much" because too much description draws away from what the characters are saying, which is usually more important than the descriptions because reading their interactions is what really creates that necessary connection between the characters and your reader.
Other than that, good start. If you're serious about this story I would suggest a beta who will spot these mistakes and let you know about them before some English major a-hole (like me) comes around with a lengthy critique-ridden review. lol
I already messaged you, so thanks for the review and i changed everything you wanted (with moderation).
Cinnia Aine 2009-10-27 . chapter 1I think it's a cute idea to make a story based off of that song. I would cut out the first person narration, though. It confused me when I read that part because I wasn't sure if it was Ivy speaking or you. The story is fine right now - it has potential. (Just don't burn up that potential by making this into a really cheesy songfic, ok?) :) Good luck with the story!
I'll make it as non-cheesy and real as i can. If you feel like i'm going in that direction give me a heads up and i'll change it, i mean i don't care if you say, "That really sucked it was too cheesy, change it!"
Thanks for the reviews!
Hannah