J. Welsh

Say You Love Me

The sky was dark as Hector switched to cruise control on an empty back road cutting cross country toward California. SR-71 had been blaring on loop for the last couple of hours; the alternative back noise had lulled Corey to sleep next to him, not even an arm's length away. His headlights spilled over nothing but bare asphalt.

He had been the one to suggest a road trip before summer ended. Corey, in that of-the-moment quality he loved, decided to take him up on the offer, in the middle of fall. She'd pulled him away from classes and papers and he couldn't have cared less. He would do anything with her, any time she wanted. He guessed Corey had known that little detail for a while now, but he would never openly admit how willing he was to let himself be wrapped around her finger. At least, he would never say it seriously. Words were always easier to control than actions, always meant less. That's why he was such a talker; saying things over and over again took away their truth. He rarely said what really mattered.

A stop sign glared at him, the holes from paintballs mocking old-style tin cans from a dusty Western. He parked the car. The near empty jar of gumballs rolled forward next to Corey's feet. Hector reached for it over the arm rest and tapped it against her exposed leg. He imagined the sound would have been friendly if he could've heard it over the music.

Corey opened an eye, examining Hector like a cat. She was a light sleeper, though she had an amazing capacity for pretending like she wasn't. The glowing numbers near the dash read a few hours before dawn. They hadn't stopped in a while, or at least nothing more than a gas and bathroom break.

"Riggs, if I ask, 'Are we there yet,' you're going to say, 'yes,' right?" She stretched as much as she could manage.

He loved that she called him Riggs and the way the name sounded coming from her mouth, hard and familiar. "If this is your idea of an ocean, then sure. Though, you might want to look into getting a refund for anything 'right on the water.'"

Corey loved the ocean. She'd had strong ties with it since her childhood, mostly because of her mother. She had told him they were going to the West Coast only after they'd been on the road for a few hours, time enough for Hector to swear he would've brought swim gear had he known.

"False advertisements are a bitch." Corey tugged at the seatbelt for slack and reached behind Hector for one of the reused bottles of water. "Switching out?"

"Yeah. I hate driving when the sun's in the rearview."

"How many hours do you want?"

"Five at most. The sun should be up and higher by then yeah?"

"If not, how about I buy you one of those baby shades? Do you want Looney Toons or Disney?"

"What, no Batman? Isn't the point to promote nighttime for sleeping kiddies?"

"Riggs, if you're sleeping it shouldn't matter what it is."

"Hey, you're the one who brought it up, and what happened to my choice?"

"It just became a blanket." Corey pulled the warm cover off her lap and tossed it at Hector's face. She unbuckled the seatbelt and let it feather back behind her shoulder before stepping out of the car.

Hector could tell she was shaking her head; she might have been yawning, but he rather doubted it. He grinned and unbuckled himself, popping the door open; a fresh click on the outside world.

Corey switched on the radio, leaving the familiar cocoon of repetitive sound flailing in a noise of static. She moved her fingers over the buttons easily, shifting quickly from one station to the next. It was rare to find anything worthwhile at four in the morning, but the possibility was always there.

A muffled snore came from the passenger seat. Corey raised an eyebrow at Riggs and beat a fist against his shoulder. He shifted in his seat, the blanket over his face readjusting to fit the window. His vocals were still echoing in the car.

"Riggs, if you don't shut up I swear I'll drive into a ditch and leave you there." She hit him again, swerving the car enough to bring him around for a few seconds.

"Whaddya doin'?" The blanket left his face as Riggs squeezed his eyes with a thumb and forefinger.

"You were snoring again."

"Not my fault."

"There's room for you in the trunk."

Riggs stuck his tongue out at her and rolled over to face the passenger window. She barely caught him flipping his middle finger in the air before tugging the blanket close. Corey smirked, setting her attention back on the road.

They had been introduced a few years ago by a mutual friend. Corey had been nursing a near empty bottle of beer and Riggs was too young to offer to buy her another. He'd tried to make up for it all night with his incredibly terrible smooth talk. She left without giving him a single digit. It was her luck to run into him on campus the next week. He'd been somewhat attached to her ever since, not that she really minded anymore.

Their personality quirks worked well together. Even after Corey had graduated they were usually found in each other's company. Riggs was one of her best friends; the only one with the possibility of claiming benefits from their relationship. She hadn't taken anything very far yet, and she wasn't sure if she would; snuggling after a bad day and a kiss once in a very rare while were about the only things she did with him. He wasn't ready for anything serious.

The two of them had a Lethal Weapon marathon once, and even though Riggs didn't have Mel Gibson's mullet, he had the personality. Corey hadn't called him 'Hector' since then. He probably thought they were a tag team, but there was no way in hell Corey would settle for always playing the responsible one. That might have been part of the reason for pulling Riggs out of school before break had started.

A bent road sign pointed toward the highway and Corey let the turn signal flare briefly. Dawn was spreading gray fingers over the road. About a half hour more and the fuel meter would be touching 'E'. She couldn't remember the last time she'd looked at a map.

Hector practically fell out of the car when they stopped at a gas station. His legs were knotted and cramped from hours curled up with water bottles keeping his feet company. Corey had run off to the bathroom as soon as she'd pulled the car next to the pump.

Stretching made a few cracks sound from Hector's back as he attempted to regain his natural height. After popping his knuckles for good measure, he walked around the car to the tank. God his car was a mess, so beat up and dirty it looked like an overused soccer ball. The window washer probably wouldn't make much of a difference at this point. He stared at the red handle sitting in what could have been sewer water from the way it smelled. Hector unscrewed the gas cap. All that dirt gave it personality. It said that the car had been somewhere and had the amazing fortune of still being able to make it somewhere else.

A Dodge pulled up to the pump across from him with a couple in the front seat. It took a while before the woman got out of the truck and tramped over to the convenience store. The man rolled down the window and yelled for her to get him a pack of cigarettes and a lotto ticket. He stayed behind the wheel until he couldn't see the woman anymore. Once she was out of sight, the man flung the door to his truck open and clambered out of the cab, spitting tobacco juice on the cement as he sauntered to the pump. The man made Hector grimace, maybe it was his overly-confident waddle to the gas pump or just the fact that he drove that kind of truck.

Hector's older cousin, Jules, married a man with a truck like that. His cousin-in-law even had the strange kind of confidence that came from somewhere below his belt buckle and made him parade around as if he owned the place. Hector remembered spray-painting 'dickhead' across the side of his cousin-in-law's freshly painted, black Dodge after one of their more violent encounters.

Jules always ended up with one asshole or another, but it was still a surprise when she'd decided to marry one. She had walked in after dinner one night flashing a ring on her finger. Her new husband was straight-faced in the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest. They had eloped for no reason other than Jules wanted to get away from her parents, and her husband had the bank account to accommodate her. The whole thing had left a bad taste in Hector's mouth for years.

The tobacco-spitting man looked like he was enjoying his solitude when the woman came back out of the store, shoving a packet of cigarettes in his hand. He snatched up the lotto ticket with the other and scanned the numbers printed on the light paper.

Corey picked up a couple of water bottles from the store and added them to the pile of snacks already on the counter. She rummaged through her pockets for a wrinkled ten dollar bill and passed it over to the clerk. The attendant was attempting to straighten out the corners as she picked up the plastic sacks and went back out to the car.

Riggs was standing with his hands in his pockets, frowning at a couple arguing over a lotto ticket. She pressed one of the cold bottles against the back of his neck."Geeeeezus!" Riggs jumped and threw a hand back to cover his skin.

"Is the gas going to pump itself Riggs?"

"For all that, it might." His answer was reproachful, but he fed a credit card to the machine and finally selected a fuel grade he wanted.

Corey opened a back door and tossed in her purchases. The back seat was beginning to look like a junk yard full of snack bar wrappers and empty bottles, with a crooked tissue box wedged under the driver's seat. She pulled out some trash and stuffed the armful into one of the black canisters next to the window cleaner. The red paint was chipping off the handle stuck in the water, and Corey clasped it firmly before carrying the dripping mess over to the windshield.

"Ugh, don't use that! Some drunk probably pissed in it last night!"

She gave Riggs the look that clearly informed him he was being an idiot. She swept the sponge over the driver's side of the windshield, ignoring his complaints.

"As much as I love trying to see through bug guts, Riggs, we're better off cleaning it."

"Fine, but if you die from some disease, I call first dibs on all your stuff."

"Remind me to let you know where the pink and floral bras are then."

"What about the sparkly one?"

"Who the fuck has a sparkly bra?"

"Who the fuck doesn't?"

The pump clicked. Riggs shot her a teasing grin before trying to squeeze what more he could into the tank to top it off. Corey finished with the windshield and slid the sponge into the now proclaimed "piss bucket" before situating herself in the passenger seat. She banged a fist on the glove compartment door and it fell halfway open. All the directions, gas receipts and motel reservations were piled to the brim, threatening to spill on the floor mat. Riggs plopped himself in next to her, throwing a crushed receipt in her lap.

"Where to lady?" He grabbed an energy bar from the bag of snacks Corey had just bought before starting the engine.

"Depends."

Riggs gave her a confused look, half the bar sticking out of his mouth.

"Well, do you want the fastest way-straight line route or something off the beaten path like last night?"

"The one with more food stops," he voiced between mouthfuls.

Corey squinted at a map and turned it over a few times before pointing out a highway they could take to their first motel. Her fingers, spaced an inch apart, moved along the paper and gave her a guess at the amount of distance they had left to cover.

Flagstaff was twenty miles down the road and Hector's stomach was already growling for a real breakfast or a real lunch. The type of meal didn't specifically matter, just as long as it didn't consist of nuts and cereal bars. He would love a heaping pile of mashed potatoes in either case.

There were more cars on the road now, many screaming by in a hurry to get somewhere. Corey's head was keeping time with the song that was playing on the radio. She'd managed to find an oldies station in all the static and they'd been listening to it for the last couple of hours. She was lip syncing "Build me up Buttercup" so he wouldn't hear her. Corey could carry a tune but she never liked to sing for an audience. Hector turned up the volume and started crooning the chorus. He over did it, of course, but it made Corey laugh.

"You're terrible!" she said, after Hector loudly belted out the final "why do you build me up" section.

"Well, I've got to get my kicks somewhere."

Corey gave him one of her looks for making the pun. They'd been passing several signs advertising Route 66 and neither one of them had mentioned it yet.

"Don't you want to sleep or something?" he asked.

"And let you try to navigate the rest of the way? No thanks."

"Aw, c'mon! I know how to ask for directions." He caught a smirk on her lips when he finished. Hector knew Corey had heard that before, but it didn't make it any less true, for the most part. "There are plenty of signs you know, and I can read."

"Your reading skills are fine; it's your comprehension that worries me." She looked smug sitting there with her arms crossed, not tired at all.

Corey liked playing with him, the one-up game was her favorite and insults were required. Hector was cool with that; he liked sparring with her wit and sarcasm. She seemed to understand there were different laws with words, and meaning was something reinvented by people to suit their needs or desires. That's why Corey liked playing with them. She liked to throw a word or phrase's intention back in the speaker's face, as if to tell them they were lying to themselves about what they wanted to say in the first place. He thought that made her strong. It seemed like she was able to take on anything the world could throw at her and throw it right back with a better spin. Just by being near her, Hector felt like he could share in that power, that strength.

He felt lost after Jules left, like he was just going through the motions. His aunt fell ill frequently and his uncle wouldn't even mention Jules by name. It was as if life was quietly escaping Hector, and the only way to get it back was to see Jules again.

The first time Hector went across town to see her, Jules was in the middle of baking. He remembered the air smelled thick with too much cinnamon and a faint burning coming from the edges of pans. Her husband was there, reading a newspaper at the kitchen table, nothing but the downward stare visible from across the room. Jules greeted Hector with a new apron and a freshly scabbed lip. Her husband's eyes moved to the next page, a glance briefly cast in his wife's direction. She said she'd bit it in her sleep.

"What's the matter? You know I wasn't serious." Corey had moved her elbow to the window ledge and was resting her head on her fist while looking at him.

"Huh? Oh yeah, yeah, I know."

"Well? What's with that dreary look on your face then?"

"Hm. Nothing."

"Liar."

They'd pulled in to the parking lot of Village Inn with their growling stomachs announcing them. She'd scarffed down two plates of the usual breakfast food before calling it quits. Riggs ended up with a huge side of mashed potatoes to go along with his chicken fried steak and could've practically been rolled out the door when he'd finished.

"Hey Riggs, mind if we make a stop at Wal-Mart real quick?"

"The Super Eight is right up the road though."

"Yeah, I know, but I need to stock up on tampons for next week."

"Shouldn't you already have like a suitcase of those?"

"That'd be a waste of a suitcase."

"Uh-huh, right. Well, how about I just check in at the motel?"

"You sure? I mean, I could just buy the same energy bars we've been eating if you're not going to tag along and choose what you want."

She climbed into the car without waiting for his response, buckling up in the passenger seat. Riggs followed, shooting her with laser eyes that were meant to accuse her for being female, and started the car.

Corey let Riggs wander off to find whatever snacks he wanted for tomorrow. Sometimes she worried how Riggs dealt with their relationship, mostly because he was the one who wanted more than she did, even if he didn't realize it might not be the best thing for him. She tried to make sure she didn't give him too much serious attention, but Corey knew they had a give and take thing going on, though it was far from equal. Riggs didn't want to seem like the puppy he was, she could understand that. Some part of him was still hung up over family issues that hadn't been resolved. They'd talked about it once. Riggs had been adopted when he was a kid, and then his adoptive parents ended up getting killed in some freak accident. He'd said he couldn't really remember them so it didn't matter all that much. His adopted aunt and uncle took him in and raised him after that. That's where Julie came in, and even though Riggs never said it, Corey could tell he'd been head over heels for her. She was sure some part of him still wanted Jules.

He braved the aisle of feminine products better than most. He at least didn't circle around the next row to get to the back wall, even though he may have wanted to originally. Hector dropped the packs of trail mix and a tub of gumballs inside the basket dangling from Corey's arm. She was examining a box of tampons as if they were foreign to her.

"What's the hold up? Just grab a box."

"I've been thinking about trying a different brand."

"What does it matter? It's all going to go in the same place anyway."

She waved her hand in his face brushing him off for a few minutes longer while she decided. Hector put his hands in his pockets and craned his neck to look around for anything of interest. He caught sight of some middle school brats fooling around near the condoms and pregnancy tests, probably because of a dare or something. They were taking pictures of each other holding the boxes with their cell phones.

He'd received a call from Jules one day when he was still living with his aunt and uncle. All he could hear was Jules trying not to sob into the phone. When he reached her house he went through the screen door, slightly bent open from too much slamming. The tasteless wooden chairs were scattered on their sides. Plates were pieces on the floor. Hector found her curled up in a corner of her kitchen. The phone dangled from its place on the wall. She had the beginnings of a black eye and bruises over her arms. She hugged her knees to her chest and was sitting in a collection of blood, the hem of her robe dark with it.

"Hey." He'd said, and cautiously approached her, his hand reaching for the top of her head. Hector knelt down and stroked her hair. "It's okay Jules."

She hadn't looked at him, just buried her head in her arms. She barely managed to whisper that she'd lost the baby.

A box of tampons tapped him on the shoulder.

"Thinking about how to strangle those brats? I don't think it'd do much good the way they keep popping up these days. I swear, every kid is half rabbit by the time they get to high school."

"Want to check out?"

"I'll check you out." She smiled and poked a finger in his side.

Hector shrugged away, taking the basket from her hands, and walked to one of the express counters. She made some effort to point out the ridiculous stories in the tabloids, but Hollywood scandals and affairs weren't all that appealing anymore.

Corey was surprised Riggs was being so quiet. Usually men with full stomachs are the happy sort, even if mildly traumatized by tampon talk. Their motel check-in had gone smoothly. Riggs handled everything, though, it wasn't necessary. Corey was going to take care of it, but Riggs stepped in and waved her off, changing the payment information for when they checked out tomorrow. They were allotted a non-smoking single on the third floor. Riggs tossed his duffle on a chair and rifled through it, finally claiming his iPod from the catastrophe that was his packing.

"I'm going to take a shower."

"Sure."

She waited for him to say a snarky comment as she began to undress. When he didn't, she threw her wadded socks at him. They brushed the side of his head before thumping in front of the window. "Next time, give me a heads up before you start getting all dark and broody."

Riggs kicked his shoes off and made ready to lounge on the bed. The buds of his iPod were already in his ears, the wires twisted together against his chest. Corey slammed the bathroom door behind her.

The Goo Goo Dolls were playing in his ears attempting to drain intruding thoughts out with easy lyrics. Hector's hands were under his head, his toes moving to keep rhythm with the drums.

After his third trip with Jules to a hospital, his first night behind bars for beating her husband and the last call asking for help, Hector couldn't keep up anymore. No matter how many times he'd told Jules he loved her, would never hurt her, nothing actually changed. She would always refuse Hector, love her husband, take his beatings and call again for Hector because she couldn't call anyone else. The last night he'd taken her to the hospital he told her he was leaving to go out of state to finish school. He made it as clear as he could that he wouldn't be able to help her anymore. She just touched his hand and asked for some water before he left.

Corey, she was the beautiful thing no one could really name. She made a place for herself despite her past circumstances. Her mother drowned herself when Corey was little while they were all on a trip to the ocean, and Corey had discovered the body. For some reason, Corey's father blamed her for it. She'd said once that going to the ocean made her feel like her mother was still alive, she had just found a secret grotto somewhere beneath the waves and was waiting to surface. She had tried telling her father that, to make him feel better. He'd sent Corey to live with her grandmother, away from the ocean and completely landlocked for miles. They hadn't been in communication since, but she never let those things stop her from being happy. Hector was still looking for that balance, but he was growing tired of waiting for it.

The bathroom door opened and Corey came out in a shirt and a pair of his boxers. He'd forgotten they were missing. Her hair looked a mess as she attempted to towel dry it. She walked over to the window and looked outside, squeezing more water onto the towel.

"Can you close the curtains?"

She turned to look at him and raised an eyebrow. Her hand didn't bother with the curtain rod but pulled hard at the fabric, the drapes clattering shut. Corey walked over to his side of the bed, swinging her towel around in circles. It snapped on his shins and he yelled out in protest.

"What was that for?"

"I felt like it. You done being moody or should I go somewhere else for a nap?"

"Done."

Corey flopped down next to him, the bed letting her bounce a little before she grabbed a pillow and propped herself up with it.

"Good." She paused for a moment to tug gently at his headphones. "I figure we'll be set if we get some extra sleep. We'll be in California sometime tomorrow depending on when we decide to leave. Well, that is if you can manage your hunger with all those gumballs you bou-"

"Cor, what would you do if I ever hit you?"

She looked at him, a mixture of confusion and annoyance on her face, shifting to cover up the small fear that was barely visible. "I'd hit you back."

"No, really, what would you do?"

Corey moved the pillow to her head and twisted to her side, away from Hector. "I'd hit you back."

"But-"

"Riggs, if you're fishing for an answer you want, you know you're not going to get it. If we were in a closer relationship and you hit me, I'd leave you, no questions asked. I don't need to carry that kind of shit around all my life."

"Well why not? Why can't you carry that kind of shit; you carry everything else."

"Just shut up about it."

He propped himself up on an elbow, an arm reaching over to her side, hoping to coax her to turn and face him. She threw his hand away.

"Why can't you just love me?"

Corey sat up and looked at him, "What?"

"Don't act like you didn't hear me, like you never hear me when I say it while you're pretending to sleep. Why can't you just love me?"

"Because."

"Damn it, Corey, why can't you say-"

"Because you'd be doing the same thing to me that Julie did to you. I don't need to love you. I don't need that shit. I don't want it. I don't want something that's going to fall apart before it's even started. I don't-"

Her voice broke for a moment. Hector put a gentle hand on her arm to pull her down toward him. She brushed it away and turned her back to him. He awkwardly pulled the covers from under them and let the sheets fall in sections over their bodies. He put his iPod and ear buds on the nightstand next to the flashing alarm clock.

Corey regained some of her composure after heaving a sigh, "We need to get some sleep Riggs."

He leaned over and gently kissed the top of her head without saying a word. It was his way of apologizing. He watched her breathe while listening to the quiet lyrics coming from the headphones on the nightstand:

"I need you / I need you / More than anyone darlin' / You know that I have from the start / So build me up, / Build me up, / Buttercup, / Don't break my heart."