November 15, 2009

My Life in Accord to You

DEAR YOU,

I meant it all. Every word, every hug, every kiss, every late night three hour phone call, every secret meeting in your car, every movie ticket that was paid not for the movie but "for the experience". I wouldn't take anything back. Not a word, not a breath, not a moment, not a memory. I wouldn't trade any of them away, not even for the world.

When it ended I was devastated. In that short time period, you had become my everything, my all. But in the blink of an eye it was over, gone. Suddenly every song on the radio caused a pain in my chest. Every police siren, every car that looked like yours, every glimpse of you talking to someone else at school, I could barely stand it. At the time you claimed your feelings had faded, but then a few days late you wanted to talk. You claimed then that it was family problems and maybe there would be an us again later, when things were better, when you had your license. I believed you. I always tried to, even when everyone else said you were full of bullshit. I knew otherwise.

I dealt with your problems, barely. Jail, drugs, mom, tickets. I tried, but how was I supposed to deal with it when you didn't want to talk about it and YOU were barely dealing with it?

The summer came. Finally, I told myself, now I can truly get over you. No more lying to friends, saying I didn't care anymore, even though the truth was each time you said a word to me in the halls my heart still quickened. As the days past we were completely okay. Just friends, but I could deal with it because I was with you. I'll find someone else soon I convinced myself, and you encouraged this. At one point you said you maybe still had feelings for me. Maybe we could be together again when you got your license, when you got your motorcycle, when you got a new car, when you felt like it. So many maybe's. You said I should go out with someone else. I already knew that one. I wanted to believe everything you said so badly, but it was harder then. As school neared, we were closer and closer. I wished it would stay this way forever, and it did, but only for a little while, no where close to forever.

School started. It was a rough beginning. You were having problems; I was having problems because of you. We weathered them, and then everything was alright. Soon, though, I really did find someone else. You criticized my choice, but I knew you would do that no matter who it was. I was happy, but we drifted apart for a while.

As our one month anniversary neared, I began to panic. I guess our relationship left more scars on me than just the heart on my knee. I don't really have a reason to worry; he's a much better person than you, in most ways. He opens doors, waits for me, compliments me, and tells me I make him feel like the luckiest guy in the world. I don't know why. I should make him feel like shit. That's how he makes me feel, but it's not really his fault. Its more you, you make me feel guilty. I always think of you first and the most, even though it should be him. You two couldn't be more opposite. He comes from a good family; yours is ridiculously dysfunctional. He's rich; you like to pretend you are. He's not into drugs and alcohol and all that; sometimes I think that's all you do. He's a nice guy; Most of the school thinks you're an asshole. He's easy to read; you're the most complicated person I've ever met and frequently unpredictable. If he's so much better why do I still want you?

I don't ever worry about him, don't ever give a thought to what he's doing at the moment. You, on the other had, I worry all the time, especially after those two O.D.'s earlier in the year. I'm terrified you're going to disappear one day. Just "poof!" gone out of my life and I'm even more scarred that you won't ever come back once you do. Jail, car crash, fatal OD, something. I am Absolutely. Terrified.

I hate that you make me feel so guilty. I hate how you steal me away from him and I don't even really mind. I hate that you and him don't get along. I hate how I get along so much better with you. I hate that I trust you with my life, but can barely get myself to tell him simple things. I hate that I know you like the back of my hand and barely know him and haven't really tried to fix this. I hate so many things about you, but I still love you. With all my heart.

My mom thinks I'm going to hell because I don't believe in God. I'm okay with this because you don't believe either so we'll be there together. We can annoy the shit out of Satan together. You're good at stuff like that. Heaven wouldn't be any fun without you any way.

If I was ever forced to choose between him and you, I would ALWAYS choose you (and I hate myself for it more than I could ever hate you).

LOVE, ME

PS- [I like how I can write almost a thousand words about you and him, but barely 500 words for school essays.]

You and me- (February 13 – March 30, 2009)

Him and me- (October 9 – December 10, 2009)