Dedication: This goes to all my wonderful readers. I love you guys in a completely non-sexual way.
Plagued By Guilt
Chapter Twenty: Vaccination
Everyone feels guilty about something. Everyone has something in their past that weighs down their heart, and makes them cringe at the thought.
But guilt doesn't consume everyone.
Over the summer, guilt consumed me. It consumed me because I had let it. I hindered my emotions for quite some time, and when I stopped, everything hit me at once.
I was like a person who's never been sick in their life, suddenly being exposed to the black plague. I was defenseless.
I don't know how many nights I'll stay awake thanking God that I had someone who knew how to deal with the guilt. If I didn't, I would've probably drowned.
And, as my father says, I'm a Gonzalez and we don't have permission to drown.
Thankfully, nothing went back to normal.
My new founded relationship with my father is still going strong. We've started going to family counseling, and making great progress. I'm learning new things about my dad, and am beginning to see him as a different person all together.
Yet, sometimes the bad memories still get to us. Sometimes we can feel the tension rising, and can hardly stand to be in the same room with each other. We don't fight, but we can't talk nice either.
Those moments don't occur as often as they used to, because of one simple reason: Mom.
I didn't know how to explain to her what happened between Dad and I. Mom never tried to hide her hatred of Dad, and here I was, going against everything she apparently stood for when she walked out on him.
However, I knew that if I put it off too long, I could kiss my relationship with Dad good-bye.
I went over to her house on one of my days off, and brought her favorite food: chocolate. I knew that if I put her in a better mood beforehand, then she would be so angry when I told her everything.
"Hey, Mom," I said, as she opened the front door.
She raised her eyebrows and put her hands on her hips. "Is that my daughter, Rosa? Or is it just some alien who thought it be nice to visit her mother?"
I grinned sheepishly and held up the box of chocolates. "Would an alien bring you these?" I asked.
"Perhaps," Mom replied, smiling. She let me in and then shut the door behind me. "If they wanted to knock me out so it would be easier bringing me up to the spaceship. I know that I wouldn't go quietly."
I let out a short laugh and gave her the chocolates. We made small talk while she ate them. I made sure that I strayed away from certain topics until she was done eating. Afterwards, she gave me a glass of lemonade and we sat down on Mom's comfy couch.
"Mom, there is something that I wanted to talk to you about," I said hesitantly.
She glanced up at me, with a knowing look in her eye. She placed her glass down and grabbed my hands.
"What do you want to talk about?" Mom asked, her eyes full of fear and determination.
"Well, I saw Dad a couple weeks ago...and I want to have a relationship with him, Mom. I don't want to be deprived of it anymore." I sat up a bit straighter and made sure I was looking her right in the eye.
Mom let out a deep breath, let go of my hands, and got up off the couch. She walked towards the kitchen, and stayed in there for a couple of minutes. During that time I heard several bangs, as if something metal was being thrown around.
I folded my hands in my lap and glanced down at them, trying to drown out the sounds coming from the kitchen. Eventually I heard feet pounding against the floor, and when I glimpsed up I saw Mom storming towards me.
"Him!" she screeched, causing me to jump. "You want to form a relationship with that man? The one that abandoned you?"
"Yes," I replied, standing up so I could match her height. "Yes, Mom. And not only do I want to form a relationship with Dad, but with Diana and Jonathan, too."
"Are you crazy?" Mom yelled, lowering her volume just a bit. "Rosa, why would you do something like that?"
"Because, Mom, it wasn't their fault I got pregnant and ruined my life! It wasn't their fault that I didn't realize that I wasn't ready to have sex yet! It wasn't their fault that anything happened, yet they had to pay for it!" I shouted. I promised myself I wouldn't loose my temper, but it seemed I would have to break that promise.
"That may be so," Mom growled, speaking through clenched teeth. "But that doesn't change the fact that your father didn't seem willing to help you fix your problem, either."
"Mom, have you ever considered that maybe he was trying to stop a problem before it happened?" I asked, trying to calm myself down.
"There were no other options! I made the choice-"
"Yes," I agreed, cutting her off. "You made the choice. I went along with it."
"You could've said no! I don't understand why you're blaming me!"
Suddenly I felt very sad. I felt sad because realization was crashing down on me, and it was time I accepted it.
Yes, it did seem like my mother was helping me out when she got me that abortion. But maybe Dad was trying to help me out too, by opposing it. Maybe he knew that I would eventually feel guilty about it, and that he didn't want that for me.
Maybe Dad cared for me in a way Mom never would.
"I think I made the wrong choice," I muttered, my lips numb with realization.
"Exactly!" Mom snapped, throwing her hands up in the air. "I'm glad you were able to see that this was all your father's doing, and a relationship with him is not what you need!"
"No, Mom, I meant, I think I made the wrong choice by going with you!" It felt good to say that, even though it had just hit me.
Mom stopped dead in her tracks. She opened her mouth to speak, but there were no words coming out. She simply stared at me, amazed that I would dare say anything like that.
"What do you mean by that?" she finally managed to ask.
"I think I should've had that baby. If I decided that, then I probably would've managed to convince you, too. You would've stayed with Dad, and we could've gotten through those hard times together."
"Rosa, you don't know what your saying!" she sputtered.
"I do," I replied, nodded my head sharply. "I tore apart a family, Mom! I tore you from the love of your life!"
"I do not love that man!" Mom screamed, her anger returning.
I frowned. "Yes, you do, Mom. Don't lie to yourself anymore! You've told me before that you're torn by guilt! And I know better than anyone else that when you have guilt, you have regrets!"
Mom began to cry. I wasn't silent tears, but loud ones that were full of heartbreak. "Alright!" she cried, throwing her head back. "I love him! But I can't be with him! And it hurts worse than being tossed into hell!"
Mom ran towards her bedroom and slammed the door. I knew she would come out for a very long time.
Feeling slightly shaken I left the house, glad that I wasn't the one crying. Instead I felt a quiet sense of peace. It was a sense that I had not felt for a very long time.
"Hey, Rosa," Kate said, as she walked through the door to my new apartment. She sounded a lot more cheerful than she did the last time I spoke to her.
"Hey, Kate," I replied, straightening up from the box I was leaning over. "What brings you here?"
"Well, I heard you needed help unpacking, and I wanted to help you out," she answered picking up a box.
"Aw, you're so sweet. Unlike a brother and sister who I shall not name." I laughed, remembering the look on Jonathan's face at the suggestion of work on a Saturday.
Kate smiled. "Well, I also kind of wanted to talk to you."
"Oh, okay. Is this about those troubles you were having the last time we talked?" I questioned, leaning back over the box.
"Yeah," Kate replied. "And it involved your brother. I don't know why I didn't tell you before."
I stood up straight and flipped around quickly to look at her with wide eyes. "Oh my God, you're pregnant, aren't you?"
"What?" Kate exclaimed, looking shocked. Then she began to laugh. "No! No, it's nothing like that."
I let out a small sigh of relief, and tried to calm my heart, which was beating widely. "Don't scare me like that!"
Kate let out a giggle, and rolled her eyes. "Anyway, I was feeling upset that day because, well, don't get offended, but your brother is very stupid when it comes to girls."
"Doesn't take a genius to figure that one out," I muttered under my breath. "So, what did he do?"
"It's more like what he didn't do. You see, I told him how I felt about him, and instead asking me out or even saying something, he said nothing! I thought he didn't like me back, so I got up and left." She bit her lip and looked down, as though the memory pained her.
"But didn't you two go out on a date?" I asked feeling confused.
"Yeah," Kate answered, looking happier. "He called me later that night and apologized. He said he was too busy internally cheering to respond. Then he asked me if I would like to go out with him, to which I gladly said yes."
"Which is good, because if you didn't, I'd be forced to shake you very hard while asking you what was wrong with you," I said, laughing.
"Well, you don't need to, because I think things are going to get very good. Very good indeed."
I couldn't help but agree with her.
Life has settled down a bit. I've started my finally year at the local university, and I even have a few classes with Abby.
Speaking of Abby, our friendship hasn't reached what it used to be...yet. We've been talking to each other, and trying to work our way through this challenge. I don't know where we will end up, but I know we will end up being friends, no matter what.
I've made some new friends at college, some of which who have gone through similar things that I have. We try not to dwell, because dwelling brings the guilt back, and frankly, we don't need any of that.
I see Jonathan and Diana every other Sunday, during which we make dinner together. We've become not only siblings, but friends too.
The plague of guilt is over, and I can finally start living.
***Final chapter! Yay! But don't worry! I have another story planned, which will involve the very lovely Julia! The first chapter is currently in works and shall be posted soon. Please notify me of any grammar mistakes/typos!