I got home at around one in the morning, creeping past the front door as to not wake my parents. I was allowed to go out but I didn't want them questioning me about how my night had went. The answer would have been awful. I felt so helpless when I saw him standing there in the driveway with that girl. There was literally nothing I could do about it. I sighed heavily as I took off my shoes, kicking off the snow before flinging them on the rug my mom put down in the winter. I plugged in my cell phone and saw that I had two unread texts. One forward from a girl I barely knew and a text from Aaron.
"Hey girl. I had fun tonight :-)" I stared blankly at the text before cancelling out. He always texted me stuff like that. Normally I'd be all giddy and text him something back like "Yeah me too, You're the reason why it was fun, Lets hang out next weekend" stupid things like that made me sound so pathetic. In actuality I really was pathetic when it came to him. I had just witnessed him shoving his tongue down some other girls throat and I still had a sad glimpse of hope that he really did have a fun time with me tonight. Whatever. I was always going to be stuck in the friend zone. I liked all the wrong guys and all the wrong guys liked me.
I don't mean this as in only creepy men like me. I mean this as in boys who I stick in the friend zone seem to always have an attraction for me. I was very careful not to act like a tease around these types of boys. I never wanted to lead anyone on the way Aaron dragged me along. He had a habit of saying something sweet or complimenting me in a certain way right as I was about to be over him, sucking me back into him. Sometimes I swore he did this on purpose just to mess me with, I hoped he wasn't that mean.
I took off my jacket and picked up a blanket off my floor, setting everything in my pocket on my nightstand before crawling into bed. I lit up a cigarette and took a drag, watching the cherry glow bright orange before turning into grey ash. I hated the fact that I smoked and so did my parents. I wasn't supposed to smoke in the house but it was so easy to get away with since I slept in the basement. No one went down there except to do laundry, and I was pretty sure neither of my parents would be doing laundry at one in the morning. I started smoking after the first guy I fell in love with dumped me. I did it to spite him because he always said he'd leave me if I ever took up smoking. At first it was just a social thing, I was a pretend smoker for a long time. I would buy a pack and it would last me weeks, I'd only smoke during parties when other people were smoking. Then I got depressed, started being alone more often, and before I knew it I was going through a pack every 1-2 days. It was so expensive and it always made my clothes smell.
I had tried quitting. Being only 17-years-old I shouldn't even be addicted in the first place since I can't even buy my own packs but I've always been a fan of self destruction for myself. I don't mean this as in I cut my wrists to feel something, I just mean I date men who are bad for me, I smoke pot more frequently then most teenagers should, I over do it when I drink and end up throwing up everywhere and I smoke cigarettes despite the fact that I hate them so much. I guess that's what addiction is though. I'm the type of girl you'll see at a party whose smoking a cigarette while lecturing you on why you shouldn't smoke. It's a bit hypocritical but I mean it when I say people shouldn't smoke though.
Then again, I love smoking so much. I like the way it can ease my boredom, the way the first cigarette of the day feels like. I love the way a cigarette looks when I'm driving in my car. I love cigarettes after I get off work and especially before I go to bed. It's terrible I know, but I'm not quitting anytime soon.
I put my cigarette out in a half full coke can and heard it sizzle as it hit the bottom before I rolled over and grabbed my cell phone off the nightstand again to set my alarm. I didn't have work but I didn't want to sleep in until one like I did last weekend. The light from the phone hurt my eyes and I squinted in the darkness trying to adjust my pupils. Another text from Aaron.
"You mad or something? : -(" Aaron always put emoticons after everything he sent. If there was something I didn't like about him, it was definitely that.
"No, sorry I just got home I was busy." I lied again. After I sent the text though I immediately felt stupid. How could I have possibly been busy at almost two in the morning? Aaron must've been confused about this too because he asked me what I had been up to. I lied and said I had been to another party. He sent me a sad face. Not knowing what to put back I decided to dig for a compliment.
"Do you want me to just text you later? I don't wanna annoy you." I sent it hoping he'd say something cheesy like I wasn't bothering him at all and he was interested in what I had to say. Instead he say this.
"Yeah just for a little bit. K?"
I sat in bed flabbergasted. My imagination was running wild and I wondered every little thing he was possibly thinking. Maybe he was busy playing video games with his boys and didn't want to be interrupted. Maybe he was with Paige and didn't want her seeing him texting me, or maybe he was doing something worse than that with her. Or maybe he was just plain sick of my attitude and was legitimately annoyed with me. I scowled and put my phone away again. I wasn't going to even answer his stupid "K?" He could text me later if he wanted but I was done chasing after him for now.
I woke up the next morning and the first thing I did was check my phone. No texts from Aaron, however there was one I found interesting. "We smoking up tonight or what foo?" it was from one of my really good guy friends whom I used to date. We got along fantastically and he was my partner in crime when it came to smoking. He was crafty, yet extremely cheap. whenever I smoked up with him we never used a bong, nor a pipe, but instead an old pop can or some tin foil, or even the paper from a cigarette.
I got ready for the day, took my shower and did everything that was needed to be done around the house. I was meeting up with Kyle after he got off work at five and then we were going to go back to his apartment to smoke, listen to some music, and get out of our minds for awhile. Kyle was a lot like me, he was different and he thought to much for his own good. He was in a never ending battle with himself, always changing his mind on things. It drove me crazy to talk to him at times. Yet again it kept me very interested in his life, everyday was something new with him.
I arrived at his apartment and he was already drunk. He wasn't 21 yet but he worked in the restaurant industry as a waiter and everyone knows that restaurants are where the alcohol and illegal drugs are. He was stumbling around his apartment looking very pleased with himself, his drink spilling all over the floor. "We are going to smoke my dear but first we have to go pick up our son at the mall."
"The mall? Our son? What the fuck are you high now?" I said unbuttoning my coat and settling down into his circle chair.
"Yes, Chase needs a ride and I told him I'd pick him up." Kyle said smiling to himself as he plopped himself down into a chair, trying futilely to get the keys out of his pockets.
Chase was my neighbor. He was also fourteen years old and thought he was some type of sex good. Chase was the type of guy I would've loved to date when I was his age. He was charismatic, outgoing and he had rebel qualities that I would've found highly attractive back then. However I just basically saw Chase as a little kid who knew nothing about life, had zero respect for anyone, including himself and also was extremely conceited. Chase was all about receiving and never about giving. All the scene freshmen girls liked him. I have nothing against scene girls, or guys for that matter, its just the ones that he so chose were very shallow and pedantic. They loved Chase for his looks, certainly not his personality.
After Kyle had managed to get the keys out of his pocket we headed out to the mall. It was a 15 minute drive from his house and the entire car trip he was blasting techno music and doing a dance that looked similar to a robot that was short circuiting.
I called Chase when we were close to the mall and the first thing he asked was if we could wait another half hour so he could talk to this girl he liked and also if he could bring his friends along since they didn't have a ride. I asked Kyle and of course in his drunken state I agreed, but I told Chase that if he didn't come outside right now I was just going to leave.
A few minutes later I saw him standing out in the parking lot with two of the weirdest looking people I had ever seen in my life. One of them was really tall with a sort of block face, he had longish strawberry blonde hair and freckles. The other one was shorter and had dyed black hair and about five different piercing on his face alone. Two above his lip, spider bites, and a septum. Trying to hard was the first thing I thought. He was only a freshmen in high school and already he had more metal on his face then those that were older. Ben and Greg were their names and they all smashed into the back seat of the car. Kyle immediately warmed up to the new company, offering them cigarettes. I watched as they smoked from the back seat. Chase wasn't inhaling his cigarette as usual, and Ben looked like he was going to throw up after every drag he took.
"Do you guys have like weed?" the kid Greg, with the piercings asked.
"Do you have any money?" Kyle said in a sing song voice from the front seat of the car.
"I have ten." The taller kid Ben, said from behind me.
"Then we are set." Kyle said smiling to himself. He loved new company.
We drove the rest of the way without talking, I let the boys in the back pick out the music out of common courtesy and they sat in the backseat having screaming contests seeing who could do lows and highs better. Kyle was highly amused and was cheering them alone being the judge of who was best.
When we got back to his apartment I was growing impatient and annoyed. I grabbed an empty can from his end table and started poking holes in the top and side for better circulation. Kyle was concentrating very hard on breaking up the stems and seeds at the opposite end of the kitchen table. The freshmen boys who had joined us were asking if they could drink the Smirnoff in the fridge. I smiled coyly and poured them all shots. I knew Chase didn't drink, I was somewhat hoping he'd throw up. It was a bit mean but everyone has to learn at some point the consequences of alcohol.
Greg was the one who the shots hit hardest though. He was so skinny that it was no surprise. Ben, the tall one, was trying to inform me on the effects of alcohol and trying to tell me about the different types of mixed drinks he had. I nodded along with him politely and poured myself a drink as well. Sipping on it occasionally. I was more interested in getting high that night, not drunk.
I walked into the living room and noticed the can of air duster that was sitting on the computer desk. Smiling to myself I went up to Greg. "Try this shit. It'll make you feel dizzy and your teeth feel numb." I shoved the can into his hands and he looked at me in disbelief. I could tell this kids had been well sheltered before I showed up.
"You shouldn't do that." Ben said, putting in his two cents, "You can die off that your first time. It cuts the oxygen supply off to your brain." Greg and I ignored him and I instructed Greg to open wide and inhale when I pulled the nozzle. He did as I said and he started sputtering from the foul taste of the air duster. I had accidentally sprayed some on his tongue. He instantly exhaled and I yelled at him.
"Watch me." I said inhaling deeply as I held my breath. I could feel my body becoming lighter and my head felt like it was spinning. The familiar "wheeeeeee wheeeee wheeeee wheeeee" noise was going on inside my head. Greg smiled as he noticed the way I looked. I couldn't stop smiling and my mouth felt frozen. My teeth were vibrating against my lips.
Greg grabbed the can and did the same. We passed the can around back in forth, laughing all the while. Chase and Ben refused to inhale the air duster. Ben was sticking to the vodka and Chase was trying to look cool holding his shot glass in his hand. He hadn't taken a sip yet and he was slowly stepping from Greg and I.
Greg wanted peanut butter and before I knew it he was in Kyle's cupboards spearing peanut butter all over his face and laughing all the while. Kyle wasn't paying attention to him and he was putting the weed on the can, making a hefty bowl in the center for us to smoke. I put down the air duster and sat down at the kitchen table.
"You're up lady." Kyle said proudly handing me the empty pop can.
Ten minutes later I was soaring.
R&R please =)