Feeling the pounding in my head, I crack my eyes open enough to curse the light. Bastard. At this moment I hate the sun, its likes God's way of saying 'hey asshole, your body isn't supposed to hold that much liquor, now I'm punishing you.' So screwed up.

However, when I fully open my eyes and see the mess of hair my face is buried in I'm not mad anymore. I can't be, because at this exact moment I have her, I'm holding her and she is mine. As wrong as it is, she is mine.

Gripping my arm tighter around her, I nervously shift some in hopes not to wake her and watch her freak. She is going to freak, I know she is, but what shocks me most is that just when I settle myself back into the bed, I feel her bend her head down and press a gentle kiss to my arm she is resting on and that is almost asleep. Her warm lips setting life back into it and I hold my breath waiting to see what is about to happen next.

"Are you awake?" her voice sounds dry and for stupid reason I nod and wait. Her turning around to face me, I pull back a fraction to see her red puffy eyes looking into mine and my heart breaks.

"Butterfly," I sigh, reaching to knock a tear that was dancing in the corner and thread my fingers in her hair. "Come here," I tug her close and she buries her face in my chest as she releases a sob. "I'm sorry," I kiss the top of her head and shake my head. "I'm sorry…"

"It's not your fault," she defends and I'm shocked by that, swore she was going to yell at me. Honestly, this whole moment is shocking to me. She isn't blaming me, she didn't storm from the bed yelling for me to never speak to her again, and she hasn't done anything I thought she might. She is just being…vulnerable. "It's mine…"

"No, no it's not," I say instantly and start to shake my head. "It's not your fault at all. Nothing is your fault."

"Liam, I have a boyfriend," she pulls off my chest to say. "And what we did last night is what I've hated you for for years. I hated you for cheating on me and I did just that."

"No, it was my fault," I start to defend quickly. "I shouldn't have pushed you, I shouldn't have pushed it. I did this. It was me," I take full blame knowing I don't want her living on thinking like I have the last few years. It would crush me to have her think that.

"Liam, you can't protect me from everything. You can't make me seem like the good one," her dark eyes look at me and my scrunch together confused.

"Yes I can," I object and her head drops back down to my chest. "I can," I repeat, but more to myself as my arm curls around her and holds her close to me. And there are things I want to say, millions of things race through my mind and I'm nervous to say them because I don't want to upset her, but I want something that will make her feel better. I want to tell her I don't regret last night, though I can clearly see she does and I want to tell her that I want her back, last night and this morning was a slap in the face of that and I want to tell her about my mom and my dad and explain it all, but when I can't find the right thing to say, fearing it will be wrong, I just mumble out, "I've missed holding you…" and hold my breath for what she might say.

But like everything else this morning I'm shocked.

"I've missed being held," she whispers out and then I want to ask about Nick. Ask if he never holds her, ask if he makes her feel safe and when again I find myself worrying I just decide on kissing the top of her head. "Can I say something?"

"Anything," I tell her and allow myself to be ok with whatever she says next. If she wants to yell, scream and blame me I'll allow it.

"Last night," her head tips up and I hold my breath as she pulls away a bit and rests her head next to mine, doing my best not to feel wounded by the distances. "It was nice," she whispers out and pink blush dances across her cheeks. "It was wrong because of Nick, but," she pulls in a long breath and reaches to touch my cheek. "But it was nice to feel wanted again. I forgot how good you always made me feel."

"Well, we never sucked in that department," I smirk and she restrains a giggle by biting her lower lip.

"No, we didn't, but I'm not just talking about that. I meant more…emotionally how you would make me feel," she explains and I lay there watching as she slowly traces her finger along my face. Running it across the bridge of my nose and over my lips and under my eyes. "You're different," she whispers and my eyes drop down a second before looking back at her. "A good different, but different."

"You are too," I tug on a bright strand of colored hair and she nodded. "Janelle," I whisper low and her eyes lift to mine and I know I can't bite my tug anymore. "Leave him," I beg and watch something flash through her eyes before she slowly pulls her hand from my face. "Just leave him. We were good once, really good and we could be that again. I know we can."

"Liam…"

"We just have to try."

"We both know it's not that easy. It's not black and white for us just getting back together," her voice strains and I want to snap. I want to punch something and snap why it isn't that easy. I want to know why she is making it more complicated than it needs to be, but I know I can't. I know snapping will get me nowhere, so I inhale a long breath and release it as I calm myself and think.

"Why?" my jaw locks a fraction, but I quickly release it and watch her rise to sit up. Feeling panic rip through me that she is about to just ignore it and run. Wouldn't be surprised, she has been doing it a lot since I've been back.

"I don't want that life again, Liam, I don't. I don't want to get sucked back into it."

"Sucked into what?" I laugh confused and her gaze drops to the bed. Sitting up, my hand runs across her thigh as her lips part and tears swell in her eyes.

"What am I going to say to him?" she changes the subject and my hands clutch into a fist. Why do I care at all what she tells her boyfriend? Her boyfriend that I honestly think she doesn't give two shits about.

"You're scared," I growl shaking my head getting it.

"What?"

"You're scared," I repeat with more confidence and her head snaps up at me and eyes widen with my tone.

"Of course I'm scared. I don't want him knowing, I don't want to hurt him."

"That's not what I'm talking about. You are scared to try with me again. You're afraid to open yourself up again, because last time you got hurt."

"Oh please, don't flatter yourself," her tone flips and she moves off the bed. "Why are you so sure I still even give a damn about you? You arrogant ass!"

"Because you begged for me last night," I drag out and her mouth snaps shut and eyes slant into glares. "You might have tried to stop it at first, but you flipped so quickly and then couldn't get enough. What was it? Three times? And how did you word it? Oh yeah, please Liam, please make love to me. Not fuck, not hook up, not even sex, but make love."

"Just because I'm not as vulgar as you doesn't mean anything," she snatches her clothes from the floor and tried to maneuver them on without dropping the sheet. "Last night was a mistake. We were both drunk and-"

"And it meant nothing," I finish for her and she spins around and I watch the pain strike her features, before she tried to erase it. But I saw it, I saw her look. I can tell the thought of last night meaning nothing to her hurts, hurts a hell of a lot more than she wants to admit. "I was drunk, it happened. I really don't even remember it. Is that what you're going to say? Going to tell him you're sorry, you had a stupid fight and your feelings were hurt. That I was there and that I threw myself at you. You going to beg, plead for him to understand that it meant nothing and there is no one else in this world you want but him."

"Sounds oddly familiar," her lip flares up and I release a dry laugh.

"Doesn't it though?" I agree, pretty sure I said all those things back to her all that time back. I swear I begged for her back, I pleaded and was sure her mom was a step away from banning me from her front yard, because I showed up so much. "Nothing you say to him Janelle is going to fix it. Nothing you say will make you feel better. And what are you going to do when he finds out the truth about us? That I wasn't just some drunken hook up, that I wasn't just some guy in a room of people. He freaked out on you for lying about being a virgin, what do you think he is going to say when he finds out not only did you hook up with me last night, but I'm also the one who took that from you?"

"Well if last night meant nothing why do you care?" I watch her body tremble and tears brim in her eyes. "Why do you give a damn if he finds out and dumps me? Rumors will start, people will talk about me hooking up with the new guy that all the girls are stupid over and with whispers of slut in the halls; you will go on with your merry way. My barely there reputation will be tarnished as yours will be completely fine. They will talk how I won't sleep with my own boyfriend, but clearly don't mind hooking up with a guy I've known two months. But again, why would you even give a damn? You got what you wanted…" her hands wave towards the bed as she sinks her teeth into her lower lip.

"And if you truly think this," my hand waves between us, "is all I want and you think last night meant nothing to me, then you clearly think way less of me than I thought."

"So last night…"

"Of course it did," my eyes lock onto hers as I rise from the bed and move toward her. "You are the one who can't admit what you feel for me, Janelle, I don't mind at all saying it," I stop in front of her and her head drops.

"Please don't say it," she begs, clinging tight onto the sheet, her clothes still having yet to successfully be put on. "I'm sorry," she collapses surprisingly into me and releases a sob. "I don't know why I'm being mean to you. I'm…I'm just so confused and it's easier to be mad at you then admit what I did last night."

"What we did. You didn't do it alone," my arms come around her and it drives me mad this is how we are again. I swear I've never been good at staying mad at her.

"I take ownership for what I did, Liam," she whispers against my chest. "I'm not looking for an easy way out and blaming you for it. I just…I've never been in this situation before," she pulls back to look at me and with the glow that is still sparkling off her skin I can't help but give a small smile.

"I know," I feel my eyes light up and brush her hair back. "No one saw us last night, Janelle. No one knows but us. Tell him or don't tell him, either way I won't let anyone upset you," I make that point clear because I'd never allow that. I don't care if I have to steal the principal's intercom and announce to the school a lie of nothing happened, I did do it for her.

"I don't even know what to say to him," she steps back from me and my hands fall to my sides. "Hey Nick did you get Tuesday's notes, p.s last night I hooked up with the new guy, can you pass me sugar for my coffee?"

"I wouldn't word it like that," I joke a little, knowing I couldn't be serious with an answer with her only because I don't want her to go to him. I want her to stay here with me and talk to me. I want to be selfish, I want to be all these things, but I know I can't. No matter how much I'm screaming to inside, I bite hard on my tongue and keep my mouth shut. "Nothing I say won't be right…I haven't been in this situation really before either," I shrug and her head snaps up and her eyes narrow forward on me.

"You haven't been in this situation before? Are you not aware of what happened here?" she waves her hand between us and I resist rolling my eyes.

"Of course I know what happened here, Jani," I shake my head and drop down on the bed resting my forearms on my knees and lace my fingers together. Knowing if they aren't tied up I'm going to want to reach out and touch her. "But what happened back home and what is happening with Nick is completely different."

"Oh and how would you figure?" her tone sarcastic and one arm slumps by her side as the other still clings tight to the sheet.

"Because you never had to worry if I had feelings for her," I hit back and her mouth opens to speak before she snaps it back shut. "You might have felt you couldn't trust me, you might have hated me more than anyone in that time, but you never questioned if I cared for someone else and it might have been a tiny part of you, but a part of you felt a little better knowing I didn't have any emotional feelings toward her," I speak what I've always wanted to say and watch her look away as her arms come tighter around her and her jaw shakes a little.

"What…" she clears her throat, still staring straight out the window. "What makes you think I still even care? You keep saying that, but I've never said I still care about you Liam," the last statement rough and angered, but in this moment I'm actually pretty relaxed.

"And you've never denied it either."

"I don't," she hisses, the tears welling in her eyes proving different than what she says.

"You don't really have control of that, Butterfly," I whisper out and she swallows hard, her lips parting to pull in another breath but instead she releases a whimper. "I was your first," I remind her with a shrug. "I was your first love and the first and clearly only person you've ever been with. I know that means something to you and aren't you the one who always says you never fully get over your first love? That you always, even if a little part of you still loves them?"

"I was young and stupid and believed that was true."

"And you still do now," I challenge, knowing she is the worst liar. Even if she tries to do it now, she can't lie to me. It's written all over her face, all over her body. "We have many connections, big and small and we will always have a connection, Janelle. Always," I stress my eyes dropping to her stomach and her arms slide across it. "That why you won't sleep with him?" I whisper and she flips her hair back from her eyes revealing the tear trickling down her cheek. "Scared he will see the-"

"Maybe," she wipes the tear quickly and pulls in a shaking breath. "Or maybe I'm just not ready yet."

"You were ready last night…"

"You know that's different," Janelle's eyes flicker closed a moment trying to calm herself before looking back at me.

"Because you still care…"

"Because I don't have to explain anything to you!" she yells and my head drops with a shake. "I don't have to replay every detail, every moment with you. You know, you were there."

"And don't you think if you loved the guy you would be able to tell him?"

"I don't know, you claimed to love me and cheated on me without a second thought."

"I never claimed shit," I fly from the bed and stand in front of her, feeling my heart start to pick up. "I did love you. Blame me for cheating, hate me for if you chose to, but never and I mean never doubt what I felt for you," I thrust my finger in her chest and she swallows hard. "You ended us, Janelle. You shut me out and wouldn't speak to me and then just one day tell me we were done. I was young and stupid and I got drunk and I fucked up. I know I did, but what I did had no reflection on what I felt for you."

"You still did it," she whispers out, opening in her mouth to speak again but pulling in a shake breath first. "I might have pushed you away but where my head was, where my heart," her voice shatters and I clinch my jaw and swallow hard. "I could have never fallen into bed with someone so quickly. Clearly being it's been years since I've even had sex."

"Even you said it was nice to feel wanted…needed again," I throw back; honestly Janelle never being this honest with me, well not since everything happened.

"This conversation is pointless," she brushes her hair back and looks away from me. Sinking her teeth into her lower lip, I watch more tears well up in her eyes as her leg starts to shake. "This has no point because what we did was wrong. It shouldn't have happened. God, it shouldn't have happened," she releases a cry and head drops. "I'm so stupid…" she mutters to herself as she moves to sit on the bed.

Clutching my hands together a couple times, I pull in calming breathes before I turn to face her. "Why are you stupid?" I finally question, hating how upset she looks. I want to comfort her, but I can't. This whole morning has mind boggled me and I just…I can't figure out what I'm feeling or thinking. I swear she is so up and down with her emotions I can't keep up.

"Because someone had to have seen us," she states, her phone going off somewhere in the room and her eyes widened. Standing up, she fumbles around with her clothes to pull out the small white device and looking at the screen. "It's Nick…" she states as her finger slides across the screen and the noise silences. "He's called a few times…texts…a voicemail."

"Stalkish much…" I mutter to myself and her brow arches up at me.

"Says the guy who left me twenty texts messages and ten calls in one day?"

"Different," I shrug and with an eye roll she reads through what I assume are messages before tossing it on the bed. It laying extremely close to a condom wrapper I make a metal note to trash. "Damn it…" she runs her hands over her face and rubs her eyes. "What am I going to do?"

"I don't know…"

"I wish I could redo last night…" she says, but I think it's more to herself, however it definitely wounds me.

"Figured as much," I shrug and drop down on the bed beside her. "Kinda funny isn't it?"

"What could you possibly find funny about this?"

"The whole thing," I look at her and her brow arches. "Jani, we broke up for this entire reason and yet here we are, two years later still arguing about the same thing. I mean, I know people say history repeats itself, but damn," I comment and after a long moment I hear her release a small laugh. Not even sure it's real until I look over at her and find her red faced with laughter.

"God, Liam, you suck at staying mad," her laughter continues and after a moment I too laugh. "I was just yelling at you."

"I've never been good at being mad at you. You know you've always had the control. Apparently you still do," I tell her honestly, her laughter dying down as I reach up to touch her cheek. "God, Butterfly, please don't be upset anymore," I knock the tear off her cheek, yet I'm thinking it was actually from the laughing this time. "No one saw…I promise."

"And if someone did?"

"Then we lie," I shrug and she gives a small nod. "You're right; no one knows we were ever together. So what reason would I have to deny something happened? Why cover for someone I don't know at all?"

"Yeah," she sinks into my touch, almost welcoming it. "Thank you…"

"Anything for you…" I give a gentle smile and my thumb runs across her cheek. "If you must tell him something, tell him I kissed you. It went no further…blame me for the whole thing."

"Liam…" she goes to speak, but before the words leave her lips, there is a loud pound on the door before it gets shoved open, the person on the other side standing with wide eyes.

"Uh…sorry," he mutters, looking away. "I just…I was trying to clean out the house. Didn't know you were in here," he states, the tone of shocked and almost disappointment laced in his voice.

"Ryan…" Janelle sits frozen; I swear hearing her heart from here. "This…this isn't what you think…"

"Not my business," he shakes his head, still not looking at us. "But if you want to state that, you might want to put on underwear," and as the words tumble out, my eyes drop onto the small piece of fabric sitting just a foot from his feet. "But again, not my business," his eyes finally trail to us, locking onto Janelle before he releases a dry laugh and steps back out of the room.

"Janelle…" I look at the pale form of a girl beside me as she sits with her mouth opened. "Hey, stop it," I lay my hand on her shaking leg. "Janelle, look at me," I cup her cheek and turn her to face me. "Butterfly its fine, I swear its fine."

"Ryan just caught us, Liam! I'm naked and Ryan just saw!" she waves her hand at her body and I nod, very much aware of that.

"I know, I know, but Ryan is a good guy. He is a good friend. We will go downstairs; we will explain it to him. He isn't going to say anything," I promise, knocking the tears that start back up again. "Baby I swear to god, he isn't going to say anything. He doesn't seem like the gossiping type."

"He isn't, but still. Liam, he will tell Millie, and I love Millie I do, but before I know it something will spill out and like damn telephone everyone will know you and I got drunk and hooked up. There is no stopping it! Everyone is going to know."

"No one will," I growl and lift her chin. "I will make sure no one knows. Now get dressed, compose yourself and meet me downstairs. I'm going to go talk to him," I tell her, kissing her forehead before she can stop me and grabbing my shirt and jeans from the floor. Yanking on the jeans, I head out of the room as I tug my shirt on. The whole house silent, except for the small noise of someone I assume in the kitchen.

Stepping into the room to find Ryan pushing cups into a trash bag.

"You know, I'm not usually shocked by what I find the morning after my parties," he speaks not looking at me and I slowly shuffle my feet toward the counter. "But that one definitely was not what I expected when I pushed the door open," he throws a cup into the bag and lifts his gaze to look at me.

"Ryan…"

"You know," he runs his thumb knuckle over his lower lip as he gives me a glare. "I thought you were a cool guy. I mean, so far you've been fine, but that…" his finger points to the stairs, and my jaw clinches a fraction. "That is extremely fucked up. J.J? Out of all the girls in the damn school you went after J.J?!"

"It's not what you think…"

"Oh it's exactly what I think. I heard it!" he snaps and my eyes close a moment, Janelle does not need to know that. "After I kicked mostly everyone from my house, I decided, hey I'm tired, so I head to bed to hear some couple really going at it. I ignore it; think hey, least someone's night is ending well. Go into my room, which in case you want to know is on the other side of the room and get to hear a damn headboard slam into the wall over and over. I thought lucky bastard. Just didn't know that bastard was you," he's in my face now and I suddenly become extremely aware of just how protective he is of Janelle. Which is a good thing, but also really pissing me off right now. "For a virgin she really seemed to know what she was doing. Sounded like she rode the hell out of you."

"I'm sorry if we kept you up last night, but you will not repeat that when Janelle gets down here and you will not speak to her like that or I will show you a bastard," my fist clutches as I shuffle a half step toward him. "And did you miss the little scene her ass of a boyfriend showed? He embarrassed her in front of everyone and just left. So if you want to give this over protective tough guy act on someone, try him, because I can assure you no one in this damn place has Janelle's back more than me."

"Right, in two months and a few studied sessions I'm sure you two have really bonded," he scuffs spinning on his feet and moving over to lean against the counter, crossing his arms. "So explain, because I'd love to hear how you truly worry about her."

"He does, Ryan," we hear the quiet voice behind us, turning to see Janelle nervously standing there. "He does worry about me."

"J.J, I'm sorry, but how well do you know the guy? Just last week Trish went on about the time they spent together," his gaze trails to mine and my eyes roll. "Make your rounds, huh?"

"I haven't done shit with Trish. I don't give a fuck what she says. I haven't," I repeat the last part to Janelle, but her head just shakes and hand goes up to me. Not really sure if she believes me or not. "Janelle…"

"Why do you keep calling her that?" Ryan's hands go up and slap back against the counter. "J.J, she goes by J.J!"

"Which is short for Janelle, which her mother named and her and what she had gone by for fifteen years," I hiss and Janelle's eyes roll.

"Is that really even the point here?" she passes a look between us with a small glare. "Whether I get called my real name or J.J? Does that even matter after last night?"

"Think it shows how well he doesn't know you, being you hate that name."

"And why do you think she hates it so bad?" I challenge, this sudden need to defend my Janelle knowledge. I know I know her better than anyone, I know her better than Millie and Ryan and even that ass Nick.

"Liam…"

"No!" I snap and slowly move forward, Janelle's small hand pushing to my chest stopping me. "You keep with your jabs not listening, but I will assure you Ryan I know a hell of a lot more about her than you."

"And how do you figure?"

"Because I dated her for a god damn year!" I defend and his eyes widen, before his brows crease and locks onto Janelle.

"What?"

"Liam…Liam and I used to date…"

"Seriously?" his finger waves between us. "Ya'll dated? Ya'll dated for a year?"

"Welcome to the party," I mutter and Janelle sends me a glare but I just shrug.

"Last night hasn't been an ongoing thing, Ryan. We just…we drank too much and we got caught in old moments and memories and it…it just happened."

"Just happened?"

"Like you've never had something like that happen before," I challenge him and he sends me a cold look clearly still thinking I'm the bad guy.

"Liam, stop it," Janelle hisses at me and I slap my hand to my side. "Seriously, just stop, please," she asks and I flip my hand at her to continue.

"It's not going to happen again," she tells Ryan and I shake my head with a dry laugh. I don't think she can really promise someone that.

"J.J that is not like you. You don't just sleep around with people. Clearly something…something else factored in," his eyes cut to me and for a split second I think he is saying I forced her into it. Like I personally shoved drinks down her throat and got her up to the room. Yes, I might have asked her upstairs, but it wasn't just me.

"What are you getting at?" I wonder, and his jaw locks and I let out a growl.

"Really? That's priceless…You think I forced her to sleep with me?"

"I didn't say anything…."

"Ryan," Janelle pushes him back, her tone suddenly sharp. "Listen to me. Liam has had his dick moments, but he has never and I mean never made me do something I didn't want to do," her point is made clear and I'm glad for that.

"Thank you," I comment and she gives a half smile and shrug at me. I know it's true, but it was nice to know she believes it too.

"It just happened, Ryan," Janelle continues. "We can't take it back. We can't go back and change it."

"Would you?" he asks what I really want to know and my gaze lands on the back of Janelle's head.

"It won't happen again," she repeats after a long moment and a small amount of hope pops in my chest. "I promise, just please don't say anything to anyone. Please."

"You know I wouldn't say anything. It's not my business to say anything and you know you're more of a friend to me than Nick," Ryan says and I watch relief leave the small girl before me. "I just want you to be careful, J.J. This…this could get messy if it continues."

"Nothing is continuing," she starts to shake her head quickly. "Like I said this isn't an ongoing thing. Before I moved here Liam and I were together. We were together a long time. I didn't know he was moving here, he didn't know I was here. I don't want people knowing our past. It's not anyone's business and it honestly sheds us both in some not great light," she looks back at me and my eyes drop in the corner before she turns back to face Ryan. "We aren't going to do it again. We won't even talk anymore."

"Wait…what?" I register what she said and place my hand on her hip turning her to face me. "What do you mean we won't talk?"

"Liam, clearly last night proved we can't be friends."

"The hell it did," my voice rises, fighting that statement all day. "All last night proved we shouldn't drink around each other."

"Liam…"

"No!" I snap and her eyes closed. "Look, we won't drink together anymore. Clearly it doesn't work for us and on top of that we both know how you get when you're drunk."

"Liam!" she turns bright red and I look at her confused to where I was wrong. Ryan releasing a small laugh as he takes a step back and shakes his head.

"What? It's true. I will promise to not be around you when you drink, I will promise not to tell anyone what happened last night, but I won't agree to not talking to you anymore," I lift my hand up to cup her cheek and slide my other hand around her small waist. "And I know you really can't agree to that either."

"We have too," she whispers but I instantly shake my head. "Liam we can't ever be just friends. We both know that. We've never been able to do it."

"We've never really tried," I point out and her eyes close. "We will try for real this time. No bullshitting. I won't fight with you on it or anything. I will be the perfect Boy Scout friend. Please, Butterfly, please, don't say we can't be friends. Please."

"Liam…" she sighs, taking my hands that rest across her face and pull them down to rest in hers. "Us being friends won't work."

"Why?" I wonder and she releases a small laugh looking at me like I'm stupid. "Yes, ok that. But remember what you said? You called me an arrogant and you had no feelings for me anymore."

"Yes, I know I said that because you are arrogant," she repeats, Ryan watching us but I don't care. I really feel like Janelle and I reached a good point in our…friendship… well until last night. I don't want to lose it all because we drank too much.

"If you don't give a damn anymore what's wrong with us being friends?" I ask and her mouth opens to speak, but snaps shut when she realizes what I said made perfect sense. "See…I'm an arrogant asshole but I made a great point," I joke and she smiles and gives a little nod. "So let's try. If it doesn't work…I'll leave you alone."

"Can…can we have this discussion later, please?" her eyes cut to Ryan and I slowly nod.

"Yeah, fine," I hold my hands up and step back shaking my head.

"Liam…would you mind if I just talked to Ryan alone, please?"

"Sure," I answer after a moment, looking at Ryan and then back at her. "But if you need me…"

"I know, I know…I'll call you," she places her hand on my chest, giving a light push back toward the door and I agree.

"Ok," I linger a long moment take a step back. "Guess I'll walk, my ride kinda left me last night."

"Yeah well you fucked his girl so I think he wins," Ryan mumbles out and I send him a glare.

"Just let me know when you get home," I tell her, doing the best to ignore Ryan, cupping her cheek in my hand I lean forward and her breath catches as I press a kiss to the corner of her mouth.

"I will," she promises and after hanging out probably way longer than I should, I turn on my feet and head out into the annoying bright sun.


Leaning against the counter, my arms stay crossed nervously as I watch Ryan stand before me. He hasn't really said anything since Liam left, but he has held this look. What the look is I don't know, but it's something I don't really like.

"Ryan…are you going to say anything?"

"I'm just not sure what happened," he leans against the counter and looks at me. "I mean, that just isn't like you. You are so much better of a person than that. You aren't like Trish and her friends…"

"I know, but it really just happened. I was upset that Nick was being an ass and Liam was there and we were talking and laughing and then the next thing I know…" my hand whips around and I slump back. "Next thing I know we were kissing."

"What about Nick then?"

"I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to say to him, but it's just…"

"It's just what?"

"Things with Nick always seem so…for show, you know?" I explain and shrug. "And I hate that because I do care about him, I care a lot. Yet every time we are together I feel like I'm trying to feel something else. Feel something that I hate isn't clicking. I want to love him, I want to love him so much, Ryan."

"But you don't…" he finishes for me and I shake my head no. "And Liam? You love him?"

"No," I shake my head quickly, because I don't love Liam anymore, I don't. "No I don't. But Nick doesn't kiss me like Liam did last night. When Nick kisses me it's just a kiss. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't even want me, just stays with me to be with me. I guess…I guess last night it was really nice to feel wanted again."

"I can understand that," he steps forward and falls beside me. "I'm not going to say anything, J.J. You know I wouldn't."

"Thank you," I look up at him and give a small smile.

"But, Liam…" he trails off and I close my eyes and shake my head at him. "Dude, is still crazy about you."

"Oh yeah, I'm sure," I roll my eyes and move over to the coffee and pour me a cup. "I'm sure the last few years have been hell with him missing me."

"I wouldn't doubt it," he picks up his cup and takes a sip. "I'm a dude, J.J. And though we don't do emotions well, the way he pleaded for you just now proves he doesn't want to be just your friend. And correct me if I'm wrong, but he doesn't really seem like the begging type," he points out and turn to face him.

"He trusts me," I shrug, swearing that's it. "I feel something is going on with him and he is extremely stressed about it and I think he just…he just wants to talk to someone. Someone he trusts. As lame as it sounds when we dated and were best friends. Think he just wants a friend back."

"Well I can see that, I mean with his mom…"

"What about his mom?" my posture relaxes as I lean from the counter.

"You…you don't know?" he looks at me confused and I shake my head no.

"What's wrong with her and why do you know?"

"Jay, that's really not my business to say. You should talk to him about it," he awkwardly scratches his neck, Ryan never really one to be put in the middle of other people's business.

"Ryan, if you know something about Liam, please tell me."

"I can't, Jay," he looks like he truly feels bad and suddenly a million things run through my mind to what is happening in that whole situation. "I'm sorry."

"I understand…." I mumble out still thinking of what it could actually be. Why he moved here. What with his mom and why the hell he still seems so bitter about his dad. I want to know, I want to know it all so bad but at the same time I don't. I'm worried if I do I'll get sucked back into Liam and us and I just don't know if I want that.

"So Janelle," he teases and I laugh a little and look up at him. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know," I shrug and inhale a long breath and close my eyes. "I really don't know."


Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!

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