David Cross the Jack of Diamonds

Russell Figgins

The house was simple, two stories, painted white; the fence that encircled the yard was white as well. I opened the gate and walked up the path to the porch. The woman who owned this place sent me an email and said that her sister brought home a pendent for the woman's son, a trinket really she said, from Iran. Well a few days after that her son started drawing strange pictures about these viscous little black things with one eye each, carrying spears, clubs, axes, bows, and other stuff, the son said the drawings were coming to life.

She laughed it off as make believe as the kid was six. Well guess what happened the next day? She walks into the living room to find the harmless little pictures running around and trying to eat the cat. When she screamed they attacked her, well let me tell you, her shoes did not stand a chance in hell. I stepped up on the porch and rang the bell, the door opened a few seconds later and a woman answered the door.

"Hello, can I help you?" she asked. I felt my mouth go dry as I looked at her, long black hair, mesmerizing green eyes, a lean body with curves in all the right places, can you spell MILF?

"I… uh… I'm David Cross." I said, stuttering a little, mentally kicking myself in the process. "You called me about something strange going on."

"Oh yes, I'm Abby, please come in." she said, smiling brightly. Stepping aside, she allowed me in. I was led to the kitchen, and on the way, I noticed a few things, big screen TV and massive stereo system. A den with a pool table and two pinball machines, this woman was loaded. Entering the kitchen, I sat down at the counter while Abby made her way to the fridge. "Can I get you something?"

'You can get on your knees and give me a blowjob' I thought to myself, grinning like the cat that ate the canary. "No thanks I'm fine. So Abby tell me what's happening around here."

At this, she sighed and leaned against the counter. "Well the drawings my son's been doing are coming to life. Little one-eyed black things that attack anything and everything that moves."

"Where are they now?" I asked, leaning forward slightly as if I was listening, and sneakily glancing down her shirt.

"Upstairs in my son's room." she replied. I stood up and started for the stairs. Walking up slowly I dug around in my jacket pocket, pulled out my notepad, and flipped it open to the page with facts about the things I would face, tiny, hungry, and vicious. Tooth Fairies, the only explanation, the weapons though are strange but not unheard of. At the top of the stairs, I walked down the carpeted hall and stopped at a door that had a sign hanging on it, Jeremy's Room.

Grabbing the handle, I turned it slowly and inched the door open. The room looked like it was hit by a hurricane, toys were scattered all over the floor and destroyed, and book pages were ripped up into confetti. On the floor were the Tooth Fairies, dancing around a medallion, a purple stone on a silver chain with strange looping marks on it. The little creatures were about the size of mice, each with one big eye in the center of their heads. They danced and chanted in unison. "Patapon pata pata Patapon!"

Okay I was wrong about them being Tooth Fairies, it completely slipped my mind that these things were Patapons. I remembered seeing the commercials on TV a few months ago. Stepping inside the room, I shut the door softly behind me. As I tried to sneak over to grab the medallion one of the little monsters, saw me, grunting to the others I watched as two of them picked up the medallion and ran under the bed with it. The others, about 15 of em just stood there and glared at me.

"Okay here's the deal, the first one of you little freaks ponies up the necklace won't get the fly swatter." I said. "So whatta ya say?"

The answer, they threw spears at me, which despite looking cute, hurt like Hell. Brushing them off my thigh, I gritted my teeth as they laughed at me. "Okay you wanna play fine, I'll play!" I shouted. I started stomping toward them. "London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London Bridge is falling down my fair lady- ahhhh!"

During my little musical number, the sneaky little bastards tricked me into stomping on a nail, and I was wearing my Chuck Taylor's. Hopping around on one foot I saw them grab a shoelace and tripped me up, causing me to fall to the floor with a thud.

"Spank the booty!" one of them shouted. As I lied there, they swarmed on me, stabbing me with their spears, beating me with their clubs and axes, and launching their arrows into my face. Smacking at them I was able to crush their weak and tiny bodies under hand easily until only one remained on the floor, holding a banner. Sitting up I quickly snatched him up between my thumb and forefinger. He squeaked and wiggled in vain. "Here kitty kitty, come and get it!"

Soon a soft meow drifted down the hall and soon a Garfield looking cat sauntered in. Seeing the struggling Patapon in my hand, it came over and pawed at my hand. Dropping the squealing thing to the ground the cat immediately jumped on it, picked it up in its mouth, and carried it out into the hall. Getting up on my knees, I reached under the bed and felt around for the medallion. All I got was loud snap and my hand in a painful vice. Pulling it out I saw it was a rattrap, after the damn thing opened I pulled my hand free, and one of my knuckles was split.

"God fucking dammit!" I shouted. Grabbing the bottom of the frame, I lifted the small bed with a heave and tossed it away. Looking down at the two remaining Patapons I stomped them flat and picked up the necklace, and slipped it in my pocket. Walking down the stairs, I saw Abby standing there.

"What happened? I heard crashing" she said.

"I won." I said simply and walked out the door, slamming it behind me.

This is one of those times I hate my job.