13In the Event of a Divorce…
"I want the left side of the bed."
"What? You can't just do that."
"Sure I can. It's like calling dibs. And I wrote it down. So it's official."
"But…but…I like the left side too!"
"Tough."
"Ugh. Fine, in that case I call the recliner. FOREVER."
"Oh no, not the recliner! Anything but that!"
"Tough."
"You're right. I guess I'll just have to suck it up. Luckily I'll have the left side of the bed to comfort me."
"You suck."
"You might as well get used to it. This pre-nup is going to be iron-clad."
"You know that a pre-nup is supposed to be about what happens in the event of a divorce right?"
"Do I look stupid to you? Of course I know that; I'm a divorce lawyer too you know!"
"Just checking. For a second there I forgot."
"Grr…for your information, I know exactly what I'm writing here. A regular pre-nup is all about predicting that a marriage isn't going to work out. For us…well, there's no other option. It has to work. So what I figure we need is something that will help PREVENT problems in the first place. For example, let's say, after a long, hard day at work, I get home and want to sleep. But there you are on the left side of the bed. I'll start yelling. You know I will. We also both know that you'll yell back instead of admitting you're wrong and then we'll both be yelling and next thing you know, we'll be divorced. But with this pre-nup here, we both know that the left side belongs to me, just like the recliner belongs to you, and it won't ever be a problem."
"Yeah, okay. I mean it would be pretty silly if we got divorced over something like which side of the bed we like."
"Exactly. I mean, remember the Robinsons? She wanted the painting over the sofa and he wanted it over the fireplace? I just don't want to be them."
"Well that won't happen. We have our pre-nup after all. Which reminds me, we need to add something very important."
"What's that?"
"I insist that we have sex at least 5 times a week. At minimum. Preferably, at least once a day. Twice if you're up to it."
"If I'm up to it?"
"Hey, you said you'd never mention that again! Put that in the contract. No mention of July 25, 2009 ever again!"
"As long as you promise to never get that drunk again, it's a deal."
"Fine."
"Fine."
"…Are you writing the part about daily sex in there too?"
"Yes…wait, I thought it was 5 times a week?"
"I changed my mind. You're too hot. Plus, it seems I have something to prove now."
"Hey, I didn't bring it up this time."
"I know, I know. Okay, what's next?"
"Laundry. You have to do it."
"What?! No way, I'm a man; I'm terrible at that stuff!"
"Oh being a man has nothing to do with it. You're just lazy."
"So are you. Or you wouldn't be trying to pawn it off on me."
"Shit. Okay, then we'll send it to a cleaning service. Fair?"
"Fair. Oh how about a maid service too then? Like once a week?"
"Yeah, good idea!"
"Oh and we alternate choosing vacation destinations."
"Perfect."
"And I want to be able to watch sports whenever."
"No dice. Not gonna happen. Nope. Never."
"Damn, I thought I'd get you when you were being so amenable to everything else."
"Hahaha, nice try. But you're right, I guess we should probably include something about TV."
"Well, no TVs in the bedroom. Apparently, you get a TV in there and your sex life takes a nosedive."
"Oh? Who told you that?"
"The guys."
"Oh, well their advice can definitely be trusted."
"Yeah, def—hey!"
"I love you."
"…I love you too."
"I say that we use DVR to record our shows. And watch them when we get the chance."
"But we watch V together."
"Of course."
"When is it coming back on again?"
"April."
"God, I can't wait."
"I know right, I'm so excited! I can't wait for Erica to find out about Tyler and Lisa and…wait, stop distracting me! I want to finish this!"
"Oh, I'm not distracting you. Trust me, you'd know if I was distracting you."
"Uh-huh. Okay."
"If I really wanted to distract you, I'd lean over and whisper in your ear….wsssp wsssp wsssp. Ha! You're totally blushing!"
"Fine, fine! You got me! Geesh!"
"YES! I am the Champion!"
"Are you really 31? I swear sometimes you behave like you're 10."
"Are you really 31? I swear sometimes you behave like you're 10."
"Alright, I deserved that. But can we please get back to this? It's really important to me."
"Yes, you did and let's do it. What's next on the agenda?"
"Actually…kids."
"What about them?"
"Well…how many, if any at all? When, if at all? Do we do it all or do we get a nanny or a sitter?"
"Four, yes. Two years from now, yes. No, we don't do it all but no strangers. Our mothers will be more than enough. I doubt we could hire anybody else between those two, let alone need to."
"Not three? Yay! Two years is perfect; yay! Oh god, you're right!"
"I say four because I don't want any middle-child syndromes on hand. But two kids seem too few, don't you think? Maybe, we can come up with a pre-nup for our mothers when we get pregnant?"
"Yeah, you're right. I knew a family of three once. Totally fell into the stereotypes. And two is too few. Good idea, I knew there was a reason I agreed to marry you! Other than…wsssp wsssp wsssp."
"…."
"Wipe that grin off your face right now or I'll never say anything like that again."
"Done."
"Ok, I think there's just one last thing I want to include in here and then we'll be done."
"What's that?"
"Well, it's a multiple-part thing."
"Go ahead."
"The first part is that we say 'I love you' before we go to bed, hang up the phone, leave the house, anything like that. The second thing is we never go to bed angry at each other. The third is we talk when there's doubt, questions, confusion, unfulfilled desires or needs—whatever it is, we talk about it. We don't let it fester. Whether it's a nice thing or not. Fourth, we lie to each other about the little stuff, like if you want a new gadget and you tell me it's $200 when really it's $500, but never, ever about the big stuff, like if I ask you how a dress looks on me."
"Wait, don't you mean the opposite?"
"No…what? Why would money ever be a big deal? Although I guess if one of us stops working or something, it could matter then. But I really see no problem in the meantime. I mean, we're both pretty good at our jobs. And it's not like the divorce rate is going down in this country."
"True enough."
"Anyway, this is the last thing. And I'm telling you now, once it's written down, there's no going back. We have to follow through on this thing. If we don't, there'll be horrible repercussions for the both of us. Like shaved heads bad."
"Oh shit. That is bad. Well, no point in putting it off. What is it?"
"You have to love me forever. And I'll love you forever."
"Deal."
"You sure? You don't need time to think about it or anything?"
"Nope. I'm good. I love you. I'll never stop."
"But forever is a long time. Are you absolutely, positively sure?"
"Yes. You're it for me. There's no one else. I've known ever since you looked me in the eye and said you were going to take me for everything I had."
"Oh geez, I said that—"
"When I proposed. And no, you were not joking. You meant it and know what? I mean it too. We're both in the most cynical career there is and yet, somehow, we found each other. You understand the seriousness of what we have, of what marriage is. And that's how I know I'm going to love you forever. Because you won't let me change my mind."
...
"Awww…"
"I swear to God, if I hear how sweet I am from Maddy one week from now, I'm going to kill you."
"Do you want to put that in the pre-nup?"
A cute little one-shot I thought of randomly. Sorry for all the mistakes, I wrote this late at night/early morning.