The Ripping Heart- Chapter One- Love

I never realized how much one person could mean to me. Sure, I had family and friends whom I loved and cared about. But I had never felt this overwhelming emotion for anyone else in my life. I wanted to literally rip my heart out and give it to him on a silver platter. I wanted to know him as well as I knew myself. I wanted to give him the whole world, as cliché as all of that is. It's true. I wanted to give everything I was to this man.

I'm not sure how to explain it fully, in a way that hasn't already been described. I think love is indescribable. It's unconditional and it is something you do with your whole being- heart, soul, and body. It's forgetting about yourself and focusing on one other person. It's denying your own needs at times, just to make sure theirs are met. It's being there for them and forgiving them even when they piss you off so bad all you want to do is scream at them or hit something. It's loving them for who they are with all of their flaws and failures. You get so lost in them that you don't know who is who. Sure, you're separate people, but you become so in tune that you start to love the things they love and hate the things they hate.

Love in all actuality, how it is described in the Good Book. I'll use two different versions, just because I like both of them. One, most everybody knows, the other is a more modern way of saying it. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always "me first," doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep a score of the sins of others, doesn't revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, Always looks for the best. It never looks back, but keeps going to the end. And for the one you all know: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Love… It's supposed to be mutual. No one can give all of who they are without receiving the same in return. Well, they can. But it kills a person inside. It slowly eats away at you. You become empty inside, yet so full of negative feelings. And the stupid part is, it's not negative feelings towards that other person, it's negative feelings towards yourself. You come to hate yourself so much because you are giving everything you possibly can and it still doesn't seem to be enough. They are unsatisfied, or they aren't showing their love in return. Yeah, they will say the words to you, but they do nothing to show it. And just when you are about to give up because you can't take anymore… They do something out of the ordinary to keep you hanging on.

Love is something that overtakes your very life. It consumes you, draws you into it's warmth and makes you glow. It takes up all of your thoughts. It makes you possessive of it. Love is a drug, it's an addiction. Once you've tasted it, you'll never get enough.

Sometimes I think we get love mixed up with other things, like possession, or lust, or greed. Everything that love is not supposed to be we slap on the label "love" and think we're amazing people or something… I guess I might be losing my train of thought.

I'm very bi-polar when it comes to my thoughts on love. And as you read my story you will see why. It's not some amazing love story. It's not an epic adventure or whatever. It may not even be that exciting to most of you. That's okay. I'm not here to entertain you really. I just needed to tell my story. I'm not sure how it ends yet, because it's not over completely. Not at all. There is still so much more to come, but I'll get to that when it happens. For now I'll do a dangerous thing for my emotional and mental well being- delve into the past. Oh, what a scary thing. But it needs to be done, to decide where my future is headed. Sometimes we need to look back to move forward.

I'm not one who likes to look too far into the past, or too far into what I think the future should be. The past is a bittersweet experience, one that will make you laugh and make you cry. It's the crying that worries me. And the future, oh the future. It's kind of pointless… We make so many plans. So many wonderful plans about where we're going to go in life. God has a way of showing you that you are not the one in control. Far from it in all actuality. He's the one whose plans we should follow. He has brilliant plans for us, yet we are human and we are going to mess his plans up. And so we can't expect to have everything our way, now can we?

I believe we go into things with good intentions, but as humans we have major impulses. Sometimes we don't stop to think about what the real outcomes of our actions will be. I know that's how I am. And so I went into all of this with definite good intentions… But alas, I stumbled along the way. I guess I should start from the very beginning though…

Woahhhhhhhhhh! Hey guys. What's happening? Sorry I've been MIA for soooooooo long. Definitely got into a serious relationship that is kinda crashing down all around me right now. So how do I fix that? Oh by escaping into my writing, though this work of fiction is going to hit pretty close to home. Feedback please? I know that the first chapter isn't very long. But I just wrote it in like, ten minutes. So correct me on things I've been mistaken in, and give me your opinions. Next chapter will be longer and more detailed and not quite so rambling on and on.

It might take me awhile to update between chapters because I have college. Hooray for psychology. That's my favorite. My teacher is fricken hilarious. Also, this story will have spiritual aspects to it, seeing as I'm trying to get closer to God again. If you're offended, well… Don't say I didn't warn you.

ALSO! I am at a loss for what to call this, but I saved it in my documents as "The Ripping Heart" So I'm going with it for now. If you have any better names, please feel free to let me know. J