5I have no inspiration, for it has been vacuumed out of me by my mother. Yep. No damn inspiration. So all I can write is… well… absolute crap, really. This is what happens when my style of writing is called ''wrong''. Crap happens, and it stays for a while. There shall be no corvids, graveyards, supernatural creatures, evil things, sodomy, diseases, sad people, black items, or ANYTHING WITH ANY NEGATIVE CONNOTATION WHATSOEVER. So, here goes:
Once upon a dark and dismal day-
Woops. Negative.
Once upon a cheery and sunshiny morning, Robert rode along in his WHITE Mercedes Benz, looking for something interesting to do. He could always go shopping for toothpicks or watch a toddler movie, but he wanted to do something he normally didn't do in Happytown. So he parked his car next to Pete's Coffee and began to mirthfully walk down the street whistling 'It's a Small World After All'. Then while walking along the road, some ghetto white people came and mugged Robert by gunpoint-
Oh, so sorry, people don't get robbed in this story. I almost forgot. -_-''
So he parked his car next to Pete's Coffee and began to mirthfully walk down the street whistling 'It's a Small World After All'. After about three hours of doing just so, Robert drove back home and called up his girlfriend, Forevervirgin, and invited her to go to the movies with him.
"Wow, Robert, this is soooo romantic!" Forevervirgin said as they watched the Tigger Movie.
Robert clutched her hand in his own, causing the petite blonde to emit a gasp.
"R-robert! We're in a movie theatre!" She said snatching her hand away. "I see you have no respect for me and Robert, I am no hussy!"
With that, Forevervirgin stormed off, leaving Robert in the cold, dark-
OOPS! I said dark. It would be my utmost pleasure to rephrase that.
With that, Forevervirgin stormed off, leaving Robert in the snuggly, warm movie theatre.
"Oh, well, I won't pine over my lost love and end up drinking myself to death, no. I'M GONNA BUY SOME TOOTHPICKS!"
So Robert spent the rest of the day shopping for designer toothpicks at The Toothpick Store. There were toothpicks for old people, toothpicks for newborns, and even toothpicks for salamanders. Robert browsed through the store, looking for the perfect box of toothpicks for Forevervirgin, as an apology for dishonoring her at the movies. After searching for about two hours, he finally found the perfect toothpicks. They were pink, Forevervirgin's favorite color, and they smelled like clams. Forevervirgin loved clams, and for some reason always smelled like them. He was just about to reach for them, when a very rude person took them. Robert just let him. He figured that he would find another perfect box of toothpicks soon enough.
"Robert, Hi!" a familiar voice shouted from across the store.
He spun around to see his ex-ex-girlfriend, Mary-Sue. Mary-Sue was probably one of the most beautiful women on earth and she did everything right. If she tried to play the flute, she would do it perfect the first time. If she tried to sing with vibrato, she would sing it like a professional opera singer. She was perfect in every little way. No flaws. At all.
Now, however, she looked… different. She had on a SCANDOLOUS mini-skirt and a bikini top. She had a belly-button and nose piercing! Everyone in that store gasped.
"Mary-Sue! What happened to you?" Robert gasped, trying to cover her up with his jacket.
"I just took a visit to RealWorldTown! It's sooooooo cool! They have vulgar music and there are vampires and… they kiss!"
Everyone gasped even more dramatically. They began to murmur random stuff like "Kissing?" "By God, this is… immoral!" "Has anyone seen my taco?" "Hey. Yeah… yeah… I know Ben Afflec…"
I… I think this is getting out of hand! O.o *shudders* But I must go on! Yes…. I must…
A couple miles away, a really senile old man stuffed his face with Chipotle burritos for about six hours. He pooped and pooped and pooped and pooped until he was about 50 pounds lighter. The heavy stench flowed through the air, slowly choking everyone it met, until it reached the toothpick store and EVERYBODY DIED! Except for Robert, because he's just cool like that.
THE END!
Now how was that for a story, eh? Eh?