Eng. Comp. I: Argumentative Essay

24 October 2009

Edward Cullen Is Not A Vampire

Let's play a little game, shall we? It's simple. Here, I'll give you some names and you can tell me which one of them is not like the others. Alright, ready to play?

Here it goes: Dracula. Nosferatu. Edward Cullen.

If you're having trouble finding the odd one out, let me give you a hint: He sparkles. That's right, I'm talking about none other than Edward Cullen, that beautiful, dreamy, god-like boy from the Twilight series who seems to have replaced Prince Charming in every teenage girl's fantasy. And I'm here to tell you why he is not, under any circumstances, a vampire.

Oh, but I hear your complaints already. "He drinks blood," you say. "Of course he's a vampire!" This claim is about as valid as pointing to a guy in a turban and saying, "He's a Muslim. Of course he's a terrorist!"

Edward drinks blood, yes, but he does not drink the blood of humans. That's strike one. He and the rest of the Cullen clan believe that their way of "life" is barbaric and, instead of human blood, the alleged vampires in Twilight go after Bambi and other woodland creatures to satisfy their cravings. They call themselves vegetarians. Cute, but any self-respecting vampire wouldn't be caught dead (no pun intended) snacking on a deer instead of a human. You can't deny your roots to make things more convenient for yourself.. That'd be like a Christian celebrating Hanukah because eight days of presents are so much better than one.

The next point I'd like to bring up is how Edward passes on his vampirism. When he bites people, he injects them with venom. Obviously, real vampires don't have venom—snakes and spiders do. Vampirism is a disease that is passed on through blood. Real vampires don't poison their victims, they infect them.

Strike three is the fact that Mr. Cullen has no weaknesses. Garlic doesn't faze him. Neither does holy water or other religious symbols. Wooden stakes and silver bullets don't even make him flinch, because they can't kill him. And sunlight? Well, a real vampire would erupt into flames and turn to ash the minute the sun smiled upon him, but what happens to Edward? He sparkles. Yes, you read that correctly. He sparkles.

And not only is Edward immune to all these things, but he also doesn't suffer from any of the cons and stigmata that come with being a good ol' fashioned bloodsucker. For example, vampires cannot enter the dwelling of a house uninvited, but Edward can. Real vampires have no reflections. Edward does. Real vampires cannot cross running water. Edward can. Real vampires sleep during the day. But Edward? Edward never sleeps.

"So," you may be wondering, "if Edward isn't a vampire, what is he?" Simple. He is a glampire. What does it mean to be a glampire? Well, let's compare it to a sandwich. When a person fixes a sandwich, they may cut off the crust because they consider it the "bad" part. Stephenie Meyer, the creator of Edward Cullen, cut out all the "bad" parts of being a vampire from Edward's character, so he's basically just an immortal, shiny, pretty boy who has a weird addiction to blood.

It goes without saying that Dracula and the rest of the gang are appalled. Even Count Chocula hides his head in shame. So, for the last time, Edward Cullen is not a vampire. He gives vampires a bad rap—as if they didn't have it hard enough already.