4A baby cried alone. Without a mother.
On a winter morning, a newborn entered the world, but sadly, someone else had to leave.
A mother left, her husband, and daughter.
That mother was me.
I wish I could tell my husband advice, I wish I hadn't left him without a clue.
I wish I was there.
Now all I can do is watch, here, from heaven. And even though I have never met her, I love her more than anything.
And watching her grow without me was the hardest thing I'll ever do. I never wanted anything more than to hug her, hold her, and tell her I love her.
I want to say the three words she'll never hear me speak.
I love you.
The love a mother has for her child is the greatest magic I know, and my daughter, Cassidy, will never know how powerful that magic is.
And what hurts me the most, is that she hates me, because I wasn't there, I was never there.
Year one,
My husband, who used to always joke around, now cries, wishing I was still there. He does not know how to keep Cassidy from crying.
He was not the one to read all the parenting books.
I did.
We never planned for me, not being there.
In a way, I abandoned them, and I will never forgive myself for that.
Year two,
I wasn't there when she took her first steps.
I wasn't there when she first smiled.
I wasn't there to hear her first words, her first laugh, and her first giggle.
I was never there.
Year three,
When Cassidy fell off her swing, and broke her arm, I wasn't there to call the doctor.
And neither was my husband, because he was at work.
So instead of Cassidy going to the hospital, to keep her from being in pain, she lay on the ground and waited. Crying.
If I was there, she wouldn't have had to wait.
If I was there, everything could have been different.
Year four,
Gale is my husband's name. And by the time my daughter was four, Gale was diagnosed with stomach cancer.
Cassidy had to grow up, too fast.
When the other kids played with Barbie, Cassidy learned how to dial 911.
While the other kids threw Frisbee's with their dads, Cassidy would stare out the window, and pretend she was the daughter of a different family. Her biggest wish was to be someone else.
Cassidy never knew what it was like to have a childhood, because she never had the chance.
Year five,
On Cassidy's first day of kindergarten, Gale could not drive her to school,
Gale couldn't even open his eyes.
Cassidy walked ten blocks, to get to the elementary school.
During those ten blocks, all I wanted to do was go and hug her, because she was so brave, but naive.
She could have easily been kidnapped, and if she was, could I have done anything to stop it?
No, I couldn't have. I can't do anything.
Year six,
On Cassidy's sixth birthday, the neighbor threw her a small party, and I was so happy, until Cassidy made her wish.
She wished that I would come back and be her mommy again, because she wanted to be like all the other boys and girls.
She wanted a mommy to tuck her into bed, to pick her up from school, to hug her, and to love her.
I wished for this too, but the thing that tears me apart, is that this wish will never come true.
Year Seven,
If I wasn't already dead, I would die.
Cassidy said she hated me, because I am never there for her.
She hates me.
She hates me.
The truth is, she's right.
She should hate me.
I hate myself too.
Year eight,
Cassidy is at the hospital with her dad, when his heart stops.
For a second, she thinks hers does too.
She lost her mother and her father.
I blame myself, because in my heart I know, I willed for it to happen.
I was lonely.
So I took the most important thing in her life, away from her.
And she knows it as well; she knows I took him away from her.
I am a horrible person, and she tells me so.
Again, and again.
Year nine,
Wakes up,
Showers,
Eats,
Goes to school,
Comes home, (She now lives with the neighbors.)
Does her homework,
Eats,
Sleeps,
This is her day, she has no life, and it is because of me.
Year ten,
She has a friend, a good friend.
His name is Bryce, and they do everything together. Best friends for life, they tell each other.
She takes care of her, because I can't.
He does what I wish I could.
He makes her happy.
For that, I owe him everything.
Year Eleven,
Her teacher called her story fantastic; he said she has a way with words. She was so proud of herself, and I am proud of her as well.
She is talented.
It's about time someone told her.
So when she signs up for the creative writing class at her school, I am cheering for her.
Right here in heaven.
She will show the world how amazing she really is.
Year twelve,
She grew up so fast.
One day she was watching SpongeBob; before you know it she gets her first kiss.
From Bryce.
I know its true love.
I can feel it, in every bone in my body.
Year thirteen,
She is now a teenager, a hormonal teenager.
Her day to day activities make me laugh so hard.
It reminds me of when I was a kid.
I think she is doing alright, but that's before I see her cry herself to sleep.
She is sobbing one word only, my name.
I cry along beside her.
Year fourteen,
High school, I fear she will be sucked into the peer pressure, I pray she will not.
I cannot warn her about the dangers, the things they will try to make her do.
You cannot believe my relief when I discover she is above it all.
She does not let the other kids convince her of anything.
She is her own person.
I admire her immensely.
She has become a woman.
Year fifteen,
I am jealous that she has the brains I wish I had.
I am jealous that she looks the way I wanted to.
I am jealous that she has so many friends.
I am jealous that she visits Gale's grave, not mine.
I am jealous that she doesn't need me.
I am jealous she doesn't say she misses me anymore.
Year sixteen,
I no longer need to watch out for her, because she has Bryce.
She told her he loves her, and she loves him as well.
He fills the gap in her heart where I should have been.
She knows what it is like to have someone love you.
She felt the magic.
I know that this is what I always wanted for her, so why, do I feel so sad?
Why can't I stop crying?
She loves him, and I'm sad.
Why, you ask?
Because I wanted it to be me.