I go back to that place

Remembering the voice that once kissed my ouches to make them better

Holding my emotional hand when insecurity struck me

Cuddling my ego, so fragile

Coddling me, making me blind to my wrongs

Attempting, with success, to sheild me from things

I must learn

Your voice

That voice that once struck cords all the way to the deepest parts of me

Accusing me of things I haven't said or thought

My blankie biting me

The safety gone from Your words

The warmth of my world turned meteor storm

Destroying everything around me

As I wait without patience for it to end

Helpless

And I am not so often helpless

I have made my own way for as long as You've known me

You helped me

Challenged me

Focefully made me stronger

And I was grateful

Until You rained down on my parade

Tore me all to hell and gone because of delusions that I couldn't see or understand

Because You hid them

Afraid I would see You, mon Dieu, as human

So I vomited all I thought to take into my body

Broke down all the walls

And let two people see me without the grace of tears to hide just how broken You made me

It's true how emotional vomiting without the right of tears is more painful

To hurt

To exist in such monumental pain as I have survived without tears is much worse

Than the scalding streams of salt and water leaking from my eyes and nostrils

Burning tracks and the stories of agony for all the world to see

Capping my face and making raw what You told me once was beautiful

Pain of the heart, mon Dieu

Pain of the sould because I so desired Your pleasure and joy and to be of service

It was no more

Breaking down Your walls was the best thing You ever did for us.

And we rebuild again

We take up the shovel for the shit

Trade the pain for the seeds of hope

A bottle of spring water to pour upon the uin

Cheers to us!

Here's to the future

Let us toast in celebration of our glorious undoing.