61A/N February 2023 Not gonna lie, it was hard to keep writing this story after everything that has happened over the last 10 years. There's no question that having a racist and a WOC as my romantic leads is problematic as fuck. But for better or worse, that's the story I chose to write about, and I'm determined to finish it. There will be some offensive language. Character opinions do not reflect my political or social views nor do I own any lyrics which you see here.
**Formerly known as My Boyfriend, the Skinhead (2010-2013)**
"You should know, babe
At least pretend you did know why
It's not like you were warned
So go on take a drink
You like the way the water tastes
It's like gunfire
You knew that it was never safe
Take one more
Do you like the way the water tastes?
Beware the water..."
Deftones - Beware
Derek's POV
~2011~
After a long night of tossing and turning, I looked over at my clock. 6 am. Time to start my day. The cold air hit me as I stepped out the front door. I could see my breath condense into air. I loved this kind of weather because it reminded me of those frozen, dark Wisconsin winters. We just didn't get that down here in California.
I started jogging towards the beach. My morning workout served two purposes: it kept me fit and helped clear my head. While I was proud of my white nationalist beliefs, it didn't earn me any friends at school. I didn't flaunt my beliefs obviously, but people could sense my hostility and stayed away. Most days, it didn't bother me. But ever since Scott snd Taylor moved, I'd felt increasingly lonely. I reminded myself that it would all be over soon. It was my last semester of high school. As soon as I graduated, I planned to enlist in the military.
After hitting the beach, I returned home lanky and loose. I hit the weight bench next. I could lift about 200 pounds easily, but my goal was to get to 300 before boot camp. I'd do about 30 reps before tiring myself out. My arms felt like sore noodles but they looked pretty good in the mirror. That was another reason why no one messed with me - I looked like I could choke someone out. Truthfully, I didn't really know how to fight. I had a punching bag in the corner of the garage but that was only good for letting off steam. The army would fix that for me, though.
Before I left for school, I made sure to clear up the garage before my mom got home from her shift at the hospital. When I got my driver's permit, she gave me her Ford Ranger and bought herself a shiny, new Lexus. I think she loved that car almost as much as she loved me. One time, I'd gotten so angry over something, I kicked a shelf so hard that the boxes came tumbling down onto the hood. There wasn't any damage to the car, but my mom nearly had a meltdown. I told her it was an accident, never mentioning it was because I'd been angry. Since then, I always made sure to clean up after my workouts.
I pulled into the student lot, glaring at all the happy, laughing faces as they made their way into the building. I hated this place from the principal all the way down to the janitors. As far as I was concerned, they were all degenerates. Even though the school's makeup was mostly white, the administration laughably boasted about how diverse and inclusive it was. To be fair, they had a point. No one ever just hung out within their own racial or social groups. The black basketball players hung out with the white football team. The spic girls from the soccer team were besties with the asian girls from the swim team. There was even a gay and jewish student alliance. But god forbid if you were straight, white, and conservative and preferred to stay within your group - then you were basically Hitler. Rather than fight that label, I embraced it - within my own mind of course; I didn't have a death wish.
As I trudged through the crowded hallway, I spotted Jeff. He was attempting to make friends with a tough-looking hispanic girl I'd never seen before. If he wasn't careful, she might break him in half. But he was a persistent little fucker. That was Jeff though, he was the school's one-man unofficial welcome committee. He was friends with everyone. But he hadn't always been a social butterfly. I still remember him as the shy, dorky new kid I befriended in the second grade.
I shook off those childhood memories and continued on to my locker. I grabbed my textbooks and notes, eager to get this day over with. When I shut the door, I saw Chris standing there with his arms crossed and jaw clenched. He was always trying to come off as tough, but he and I both knew he was a lover, not a fighter. I wasn't afraid of him - never had been and it killed him. He was constantly trying to compete with me, and that was still evidently true despite the fact that we hardly ever saw each other anymore.
"What?" I asked him. We hadn't spoken in months.
"How was your Christmas?" he asked, sounding bored and disinterested.
"It was fine," I answered sharply. "What do you want?"
"Me and the guys are renting the beach house for Spring Break. We were wondering-"
"Let me guess, you guys can't cover the cost so you thought you'd invite me?"
He narrowed his eyes at me, "Don't flatter yourself. Nobody wants you around. But for some reason Jeff still feels the need to invite you."
"Tell the faggot I said thanks, but no thanks."
"You're a real piece of shit, you know that?" he said bitterly.
I shrugged, "Don't care."
"Go fuck yourself, Pearson," he sneered before storming off.
He used to be my friend. I used to have a lot of friends.
Jessica's POV
"Hi," a friendly voice called from behind.
I rolled my eyes and reluctantly pulled my head out of my new locker. Standing in front of me was a tall, lanky blonde with a dimpled smile and frosted bangs. As pretty as he was, it was obvious he played for the other team.
"Can I help you?" I asked suspiciously. It was my first day at this school and I had my guard up.
He grimaced, disappointed that I wasn't as excited as he was. He looked down at a sheet a paper and squinted his dark blue eyes, "You're...Jessica, right?"
I crossed my arms, "Depends. Who's asking?"
"My name's Jeff. I was assigned to show you around this morning, but if you don't want to..."
"Ohhh...I-I didn't know this school did that kind of thing." I felt rotten for being so hostile. I softened my features and apologized, "Sorry. I just have my guard up."
He offered me an understanding smile. "It's fine. So are you down for this or what?"
I shrugged, "Let's go."
But before we even took two steps, another blonde with an athletic build approached Jeff. He had an irritated look on his face, like he wanted to fight but was being held back. I feared for Jeff, thinking he was going to get decked. Even though we'd just met, I was ready to throw hands for him.
"What happened?" Jeff asked.
"What do you think happened?!" he replied angrily.
Jeff sighed, "It was worth a shot."
Suddenly, his eyes darted to me, looking me up and down. "Who's this?"
"She's a new student," Jeff answered.
"I'm Chris," he said, winking at me.
"Jessica," I replied simply. He was cute as hell, but I had a boyfriend.
"So what school did you come from?"
"South Hills."
He rose an eyebrow, "I have no idea where that is."
I shrugged, "It's like an hour away."
He nodded, "So I'm guessing you're like a junior...?"
"Senior."
"What?!" he exclaimed. "You're a senior and you changed schools in the middle of the year? Why?"
"Yeah, why?" Jeff asked.
The last thing I wanted to do was spill my guts to two strangers. But it was going to come out sooner or later.
"Parents. Divorce. You know how it is," I answered absentmindly.
"Oh...sorry," Chris said.
"It's okay."
"We're seniors, too." I was grateful to Jeff for changing the subject.
"Well, I gotta get going. See ya, Jessica." Chris left us but not before sending a suggestive smile my way.
Jeff nudged me on the shoulder, "He's single, just saying..."
"I have a boyfriend," I admitted.
"Who says you can't have two boyfriends?"
"I would but it's too much work being a hoe."
"Eh, maybe for you."
We shared a dirty giggle before continuing on with our tour of the school.
"How long have you been with him?"
"About a year. But we've known each other since the sixth grade."
"What's his name?"
"Robert." And I missed him like crazy, even though he was still giving me a hard time about moving.
"As in Robert...Pattinson?" he asked playfully.
"Ugh." I hated those fucking movies, but I went along with him anyway. "You Team Edward?"
"Puh-lease, I'm Team Jacob."
"I'm on Team Forget Bella, I Wanna See Edward and Jacob Make Out."
He smirked, "I like you."
-4th period-
I walked into Spanish a little after the bell because I'd gotten the buildings mixed up again. Jeff had shown me where each of my classes were this morning but I couldn't remember a damn thing. The class had been buzzing with various conversations but when I walked in, they went silent and stared at me. I went up to the teacher's desk and showed her my schedule.
"Martinez?" she asked. I nodded my head and wondered why my last name was relevant. "¿Habla Español?"
"Yeah." She acted like she'd never seen a mexican before. But after looking around the room at all the pale faces, I guess I understood why.
"In Español, por favor."
I rolled my eyes, "Si."
"Maravilloso, ahora toma asiento, estimado."
I spotted an empty desk in the back and quickly sat my ass down before she asked me to do any more tricks. She turned off the lights and lit up the projector to start her lesson. I don't even know why they put me in here. Clearly, I already know how to speak Spanish. But this school district had a foreign language requirement for graduation that I hadn't fulfilled. As stupid as it was, at least it would be an easy 'A' for me.
Midway through class, Ms. Kessler stopped talking and eyed someone at the back of the room. Everyone, including myself, turned to see who she was glaring at.
"Mr. Pearson? Mr. Pearson, wake up," she commanded. He picked his head up, revealing short dark hair, a sharp jawline, and full pouty lips that scowled right back at her. "How many times do I have to tell you not to fall asleep in my class?"
"I've lost count," he answered arrogantly.
"You know what? I'm tired of this. Come sit next to Jessica."
Please God, let there be another Jessica in this class...
"Who?" he asked.
"Ms. Martinez, would you please raise your hand." Fuck. Hesitantly, I rose my hand. "Move it, Mr. Pearson."
He walked over and dropped himself into the empty desk paired with mine. I stealthily side-eyed him to get a better look: he stared angrily at Kessler, his hands clenched into tight fists as he nervously tapped his leg. It was like watching a bomb about to go off. I'd never seen someone so mad over having to change seats. Kessler finished her lesson and passed out a worksheet that was due at the end of class. I finished it before she was even done handing them out. When I looked over Pearson's paper, I saw that he hadn't even bothered to write his name. He really did not give a fuck.
As Ms. Kessler made her rounds around the room to see how everyone was coming along with the assignment, she stopped at Pearson's desk. "One of the reasons I made you move is because Jessica is a native speaker. You guys can work together, I don't want anyone in this class to fail. Okay?" We both nodded slowly.
I had no problem helping him out as long as he made an effort.
I began, "Um, so with the first one-"
"Did I ask for your help?" he snapped.
His hostility caught me off guard. I knew he was angry at Kessler, but why me? "First of all, don't talk to me like that. Second, what the fuck is your problem?"
His light blue eyes widened, surprised that I didn't back down.
"I'll talk to you however I want," he fired back.
"Ooh," I gasped, trying to hold back my anger. "You're lucky we're in class right now otherwise I would beat your ass."
"Well, don't let that stop you," he goaded.
He wanted me to hit him so I'd get expelled.
I sneered at him, "You aren't worth it."
The bell rang and he stormed out of the room, disregarding everyone in his way.
-lunch-
"Hey, new girl!" I recognized that voice. It was Jeff from this morning. He was sitting with Chris and some other kids.
"Sit down," Chris offered. I didn't need to be told twice.
"These are our friends: Amy, Donovan, Tanya and Adam."
"Hi."
"So new girl, gotta name?" Amy asked.
"It's Jessica."
She nodded her head and went back to eating her salad. She had short auburn hair and wore a letterman jacket decorated in softball and volleyball achievements. I admit, I felt intimidated by her dedication to sports and salad - both something I had lost touch with a long time ago.
"What school did you come from?" Tanya asked, continuing the questions.
"South Hills."
"That's far," she commented. "What grade are you?"
"Senior."
"So are you going to their prom or ours?" She tucked one of her braids behind her ear.
"Honestly, I'm not even thinking that far ahead."
Chris snorted, "They've got a countdown going on."
Amy threw a piece of lettuce at him, "Shut up, Chris."
"Well you do!"
"Ours is May 20th."
"Yeah, so is South Hills' prom. I'll probably end up going to theirs with my boyfriend."
Chris pouted, "Lame."
"We all know you're gonna wind up going with Amy anyway," Jeff said.
"Nothing's official," he grinned at her. Amy just rolled her eyes at him, but we could all see her blushing.
They continued bantering and I struggled to keep up. Bored, I made the mistake of looking up at the exact moment Pearson walked through the cafeteria doors. I grimaced as he sat alone a few tables down from this one. It must have been obvious because Jeff followed my line of sight.
"Please don't tell me you're checking him out," he groaned.
By now, everyone's ears had perked up and they all seemed to know just who we were talking about.
I sneered, "Fuck no."
"Then he must have done something to you," he mused.
"They made him sit next to me in Spanish; some bullshit about me tutoring him. I didn't even say two words to him before he got an attitude."
"What happened?" Jeff asked nervously.
"I told him he was lucky we were in class otherwise I would have kicked his ass."
Chris pursed his lips, "I mean, he deserves it but just be careful."
"I can take care of myself."
Jeff frowned, "Take it from me doll, just ignore him."
I shook my head, "Nah, I'm not gonna let him disrespect me."
"Trust me, we've all stood up to him. He doesn't care," Amy lamented.
After lunch, Chris and Jeff walked me to class. I took the opportunity to ask them about their beef with Pearson.
"So what's up with that guy? Why do you hate him so much?"
They were both reluctant to answer me.
"It's not that we hate him. He hates us," Chris explained.
"Why?" They'd been so open and friendly with me; why the fuck would anyone hate them?
"We all used to be friends and then about two years ago, he started to change." He took a rather long pause. "He's got serious issues and he deserves to have no friends. Let's just leave it at that."
"I still try to invite him to parties and stuff," Jeff added. He wasn't as harsh on Pearson as the others were.
"Does he ever go?"
He shook his head, "Nah, never. But I'll keep trying."
Chris scoffed, "You're just wasting your time."
"Whatever. He's still our friend."
"Friends don't call each other faggots, Jeff."
Jeff's face soured, "Yeah...yeah, I guess you're right."
Had I known how uncomfortable that conversation would be, I would have never asked in the first place.
-after school-
When school let out, I saw my mom's SUV waiting for me. As much as I wanted to go home, I was in no particular rush to get to the car. I could clearly see her screaming into her cell phone and banging her fists on the steering wheel. She was oblivious as I opened the door. "...but you have money to throw at your daughter, huh?!...Don't hang up on me! Tomas! Tomas!" She threw her phone into the console. "Ugh, I can't stand that man!" Even though I was angry at my dad, too, I didn't like hearing her fight with him. I eyed the sidewalk and thought seriously about walking home. "What are you waiting for?! Hurry up and close the door!"
I got in and fought the urge to talk back to her but I didn't feel like getting slapped today.
"How was school?" she asked with a forced tone.
"It was okay," I replied mindlessly.
"I start my new job tomorrow. I can still drop you off in the morning but you'll have to walk home in the afternoons."
"That's fine."
"I figured you could use the exercise," she laughed and grabbed a piece of my stomach flab.
My mom and I had never been close. She had me when she was eighteen, and since then, she's resented me every day of my life. I could never figure out why, but I had my theories. Was it because she missed out on her youth? Maybe she never wanted a kid in the first place and was jealous of my relationship with my dad. Or maybe she was just a shitty person. But after my dad did what he did, I'd come to sympathize with her. She didn't make it easy, though. She and her high-powered attorney were looking for a big payday in the early stages of the divorce proceedings. And judging by her phone call, she wasn't above putting me in the middle.
Our new home was smaller than what we were used to but we each had our own bedroom and bathroom. My room was at the very back of the house. I had a sliding patio door that led into the backyard. It would come in handy whenever I needed to sneak out for a joint. I dropped myself onto my bed and texted Robert. I hadn't seen him since the move. We hadn't really figured out how our relationship was going to work - mostly because we just ended up arguing with each other. Calling and texting weren't going to cut it for me. But that's all we could manage right now. I probably wouldn't be able to see him until Spring Break at the earliest - and that's if we don't break up before then. There were a lot of Southy hoes who would just love to sink their paws into Robert. And now that I wasn't there to mark my territory, it would be open season on him.
As I waited for his reply, I heard my mom's obnoxious laugh from down the hall, "...no, she's here...I can't leave her alone." I wished she would just go out with whoever was on the phone - anything to get her out of the house. "...the little shit might run away again and you know Tomas will use it against me in court."
I'd heard enough. I plugged in my earphones and texted Robert again, desperately hoping he'd text back this time.
Me: What are you doing?
Me: What are you doing?
Me: ROBERT!
Robert: Lmao...what's up?
Me: Why didnt you text me back
Robert: BECAUSE I WAS BUSY
Me: DOING WAT
Robert: I was on my way to work
Me: Sorry baby
Robert: How was your first day?
Me: It was fine. My mom is being a bitch tho
Robert: Well your the one who wanted to move in with her
Me: Don't start
Me: I dont need you to bring that shit up everytime we talk
Robert: Idk what else you want me to say
Me: Im not asking you to say anything. I just need you to be there for me
Robert: Well I cant because you moved remember?
Me: STOP
Robert: I'm clocking in bye
Me: asshole