Madonna – Justify my love

JPOV

"Jess? Jess, wake up."

"Hm?"

"It's almost eleven. Your mom is gonna be pissed."

Still groggy, I groaned and burrowed deeper into his side. "I don't care."

He chuckled, "It's your funeral."

I forced open my eyes and sat up. Another block of Roseanne was about to start. "How long was I asleep?"

"Maybe an hour," he answered, running the backs of his fingers along my arm.

I'd been coming over here every chance I got for the past three weeks. Sometimes my mom would catch me, sometimes she wouldn't. My dad knew I was still seeing him. They never did make good on their threat to take away my phone. I was eighteen and about to graduate; they couldn't realistically stop me from doing what I wanted to do anyway. It helped that I'd gotten a summer job at Macy's. Besides, it wasn't like Derek and I could actually do anything. Given his injuries, our lust for each other had understandably cooled. He'd just finished physical therapy but still had some lingering soreness in his shoulder and ribs. They said it would probably be another 1-2 weeks before he was completely healed. It had given us an opportunity to spend some real time together. I was always at his house, keeping him company. I'd tidy up his room, bring him food and help him do his PT exercises. But as he got stronger and his bruises faded, he didn't need me as much. These days, all we did was cuddle in bed and watch TV.

I yawned, much to Derek's annoyance. "Jess, let me take you home."

"No," I whined.

He smirked and shook his head, "Your mom almost smashed my window last time."

"She can't smash your window if I just never go home…"

"Then we'd have to worry about my mom."

"She loves me, though."

"Yeah, but not that much."

"But she's not here, is she?" I said suggestively.

He pursed his lips for a second and shifted ever so slightly away from me. He'd been like this for the past week. Every time I got cute with him, he became uncomfortable. I thought he'd be more into me considering how he acted at the prom, ready to fuck me in front of the whole school. But whenever we were alone, he was distant. I'd ask him what he was thinking, but I knew it would most likely just end in an argument. I knew why he doing it - he was leaving in five days. Before he told me about the early start, I was expecting us to have the entire summer to ourselves; free from the constraints of school and judgement from the guys. We were both finally single and seemingly on the same page. I thought we had more time to explore our relationship, to see if we had something real.

"So, are you staying over or not?" he asked coldly.

"Der, don't start," I groaned.

He stood up from the bed, "I'm not starting anything. I just asked if you were staying over."

"I want to, but not if you're gonna act like this."

He sighed, "I'm sorry, okay? I'm just tired."

"Can we talk about prom?" I asked bluntly.

"That's a night I'd rather forget," he said walking into the bathroom.

"Even our dance?"

He eyed me as he started to brush his teeth, carefully planning his words. It was the most intense I'd ever felt watching someone swish their mouth around. Finally, he spit out the toothpaste and rinsed with mouthwash. "What do you want me to say, Jess? Yeah, we had a moment, but it's gone."

"Not for me it isn't."

"I'm leaving in a couple days. Maybe when I come back, we can…reevaluate things."

"When you come back? Bold of you to assume I won't have a new man by then."

He grinned, "Well, do what you have to do."

"Yeah? What if I were to hook up with Chris?"

It was hilarious how quickly his smile disappeared. "Amy would murder you."

"And you? What would you do?"

"I would be insanely jealous. And then I'd have to kick his ass and we wouldn't be friends anymore."

I smirked, delighted to know that he would throw away an entire friendship over me.

"I wouldn't do that to you," I confessed.

"There'll be other guys though. You can do what you want."

"…because you plan on having other girls?"

He shrugged, "Maybe. It's a big school."

Just when I thought I had him in my grips, he found a way to slither out. He didn't want me dating his friends, but he was fine with me seeing any other guys. And he pretty much admitted that he was going to hook up with other girls while he was away at school. That was devastating considering I wanted him to make some type of commitment. I put on a emotionless mask and pretended not to be bothered.

We settled into bed but there was still a wide gulf between us, filled with all the things left unsaid. Whereas before, we couldn't even be in the same room without wanting to fuck each other, we were now regularly sleeping in the same bed. It had marked a new stage in our relationship. It was no longer just about lust, there were real feelings involved now. It was frustrating because I knew if he felt anything for me at all, he was never going to do anything about it. It would be up to me to make the first move, to be vulnerable. Did I want him enough to open myself up to the possibility of being hurt? I wasn't sure, but I was running out of time to make a decision.

DPOV

~"Congratulations Class of 2011!"~

Since I had been sitting on the stage, it took me a little longer to get outside the stadium. But when I did, I found my mom waiting for me as she wiped away happy tears. She'd hired a photographer to take pictures. I loved the attention but wanted nothing more than to take off this oven of a gown. The fact that I was decked out in honor chords, stoles and medals didn't help either. But I loved my mom, so I sucked it up and posed for the camera.

Afterward, I went looking for Jess. She and her family were still taking pictures. Not wanting to interrupt, I waded over to the side. I couldn't help but smile as she posed with her diploma, grinning as the light from the sun made her eyes dazzle for a brief second. I wish I were as photogenic as her. I just come out looking uncomfortable in my pictures; like someone is going to shoot me unless I smile. She must have sensed that I was making fun of her because she spotted me instantly. I calmly approached her but she ran and jumped into my arms. The look on her parents' face was priceless. As much as I liked to piss off her mom, I didn't want to give her dad the wrong impression. So I quickly set her down and kept a conservative distance from her as they walked up to us.

"You must be Derek," her dad said, sizing me up.

"Y-yes," I answered nervously.

"I'm Tomas, Jessica's dad."

"Yeah, n-nice to meet you, sir," I said, shaking his firm hand.

"So, what are your plans?" he asked.

"Oh, I'm leaving for Wisconsin next week."

"He's taking summer classes," Jess explained.

"An overachiever? I like that." At least her dad seemed impressed. I couldn't say the same about her mom, who was still scowling at me.

"Wisconsin? That's so far. I'm glad Jessica isn't going away," she said insincerely.

"I would if I could," Jess mumbled.

Sarah: Hey congrats

Me: Thanks

Sarah: How are you feeling?

Me: Almost back to 100%

Sarah: I'm glad to hear it

Me: What are you doing?

Sarah: Still packing

Me: For Fresno?

Sarah: I'm moving in with Scott and Taylor, just until I'm done with school

Me: I'm sorry about all this

Sarah: You really hurt me

Me: I didn't mean to

Sarah: But you did
Sarah: There's nothing you can do about it now
Sarah: Don't come back here. There's a lot of people gunning for you.

Chris was throwing a party at his house to celebrate. I thought it was going to be just us guys, but when I saw the street packed with cars, I knew he'd probably invited the entire graduating class. Jess said she'd stop by after having dinner with her family. I maneuvered my way through the crowded house trying to find at least one person I knew.

"Pearson! Over here!" I spotted Chris with the others outside by the pool. "Where's Jess?" Figures that'd be the first thing he asked me.

"She's with her family," I shrugged, neglecting to tell him that she might stop by later.

"I can't believe you're leaving us already," Jeff lamented.

I sighed, "Yeah, but it's a fresh start."

"What about Jess?" he asked slyly, taking a sip of his beer.

"What about her?"

He rolled his eyes but wouldn't elaborate further. We stood around drinking and talking about our respective plans. Chris was going to NYU, Jeff and Tanya to Cal State, Adam to UCLA, Donovan to Arizona State, and Amy to USC. It was one thing to have to say goodbye to Jess - but I'd known these guys my whole life. After years of not talking, we'd finally rekindled our friendships. But it was too little, too late. We were all going our separate ways; we'd probably never see each other again. I had a lot of regret in that respect.

Jeff pulled me aside, giving me a tender, brotherly hug. "I'm going to miss you," he confessed.

"Me too."

"So how are you feeling?"

I shrugged, "Honestly, never better."

He rose his eyebrows in surprise, "Why?"

"Because I'm finally getting out of here – out of California."

"It's not that bad…" he said under his breath. "Anyway, can I ask what happened with Luke and Sarah?"

"He got 6 months in jail. Sarah's moving in with Scott and Taylor."

He pursed his lips into a hard line. "…are you still into all that?" he asked shyly.

I shrugged, "I don't know."

"I just figured with them trying to kill you and you being in love with Jess…" he slurred, the alcohol having gone to his head.

I rolled my eyes, "Last time I checked, I was still alive. And Jess and I just friends."

"So you are still into it?"

"I didn't say that."

He shook his head, "You can't keep dragging this out. One of you is gonna end up hurt."

"Do I interfere with your love life?" I snapped.

"I wish you would – that would mean you actually gave a shit."

"I'm trying, Jeff. Okay? I'm trying."

"No, you aren't. You're just trying to run out the clock-" He trailed off, his eyes locking in on something behind me. "Hey Jess," he said suggestively.

Like an involuntary reflex, I turned around instantly. She was all dolled up, hair curled, red lipstick on, wearing a short black dress and these big, beige platform heels. She smiled as she strolled up to me, hooking her arm over mine. But her mood quickly soured when she turned her attention to Jeff.

"Don't 'hey Jess' me. Why are you giving my man a hard time?"

I couldn't tell if she was joking or being serious by the tone of her voice. And apparently neither could Jeff. "Oh, he's your man now is he?"

"Yes," she replied firmly.

"So what does that make you?" he asked.

"Shut up," she said dryly.

"Control your woman."

"I can't. I'm afraid of her," I joked, trying to diffuse the situation.

"Wha-chh…" Jeff directed the whiplash gesture at me. Neither Jess nor I were amused. He smirked and laughed, "Ya'll are a trip. I'm getting another beer."

"Der, can we go somewhere and talk?"

I quietly nodded. We snuck away and found an empty bench behind the pergola in the corner of the yard, just out of view from the rest of the party.

"So what's up?" I asked, pulling her legs across my lap.

She rested her head against the bench, looking at me with her puppy eyes and pouty red lips. "Can't you just withdraw from those classes?"

I sighed and ran my hands along her bare legs. "I could…but I don't want to."

"You mean you don't want to stay here with me?" she accused.

"That's not what I said. Of course I want to stay here with you but this is my chance for a fresh start."

"I know and I want that for you, too. But I'm just asking you to stay for the summer."

I shook my head, "I can't. This place…it feels like quicksand. If I don't leave now, I feel like I'll be stuck here forever."

"…am I the quicksand?" she asked lowly.

"No," I said firmly. "You're the only thing that's gotten me through it."

She pursed her lips for a second, looking a bit unnerved. Maybe I said too much and made her uncomfortable. In response, I dialed it back and gently set her legs aside instead of them being directly on my lap.

"And now you don't need me anymore," she mused bitterly.

I knew what she was doing: guilt tripping me into staying, or at least trying to bait me into sharing my feelings. I wasn't staying, that was definitive. But my feelings were less so. I'd been so focused on recovering from the aftermath of prom. Next thing I knew, we were graduating and I was packing my bags for Wisconsin. I hadn't really confronted my feelings about Jess due to lack of time and if I was being honest, avoidance. The last time I allowed myself to be vulnerable with her, I was nearly beaten to death. And because I was leaving tomorrow, it didn't make sense for us to be anything more than what we were. I leaned forward and clasped my hands together, trying to find the right words.

"You're right. School's over, we graduated - I don't need you anymore." Before she could flip out, I followed that up with, "But I want you in my life. You're my girl."

She leaned in, and I could feel her breath along my neck and ear. Instinctively, I turned my head towards her. The tips of our noses bumped, our lips brushed up against each other like feathers.

She bit her lip and whispered, "My mom went out of town. Stay with me tonight."

"Hey, hey, hey, what the fuck is this!" Chris shouted as he drunkenly burst towards us. Startled, Jess and I jumped away from each other. Chris jostled his way onto the bench, planting himself between us. He put his arm around me and slapped me on the shoulder, though it was harder than necessary for something that was meant to be friendly. "Pearson, you racist fuck! I'm going to miss you, bro! Did you ever think I'd be saying those words?!"

"…I'm going to miss you, too," I replied awkwardly.

He then turned his attention to Jess, "And you-you still owe me a dance from prom."

"Maybe later-"

"You danced with him but you didn't dance with me. He's racist. Did-did you know that?" he slurred.

Jess rolled her eyes but clearly wasn't in the mood for his antics. She squared her shoulders and stormed back towards the party without saying a word. "Ohh, I think I made her mad. Jess, baby, I'm sorry!" Chris shouted after her, laughing at the situation.

"Leave her alone, Chris," I warned.

"Ooh, now you're mad, too."

"I'm not mad."

"Then have a beer with me-"

He tried handing me a full beer but I took both that one and his. "Here, I'll take yours." I then poured it out on the grass, much to his annoyance.

He rolled his eyes but didn't fight me over it. "I like Jess," he stated.

I nodded my head, "Me too."

"No, you can't."

"Why not?" I knew it was stupid to argue with a drunk, but I wanted him to tell me to my face.

"Because it's not right," he stated firmly.

I rolled my eyes and feigned agreement, "Okay, Chris."

"No, it's not okay. I don't want to see that shit again." He sounded suspiciously sober for someone who was slurring his words not 30 seconds ago.

Realizing he was probably exaggerating his drunkenness got my blood boiling. Not only that, but I knew he had a crush on Jess – so this was just extra shady coming from him. If Amy and I didn't hate each other's guts, I'd go make out with her right now just to piss him off. I was sick and tired of the guilt tripping and manipulation. It just made me more eager to leave.

"Relax. I'm leaving tomorrow," I answered exhaustively, struggling to keep my cool.

"Yeah, taking the easy way out."

"I thought that's what you wanted?"

"What I want is for you to apologize. Not just to Jess, but to me, Jeff, Amy, Tanya, Adam, and Donovan. To admit you're done with all this white power bullshit. But you won't. Instead, you just want to fuck Jess and leave," he spat.

I clenched my fists, fighting the urge to deck him at his own party. I really wish Jess hadn't left – she'd probably take him out for me herself. She had to be tired of this shit, too. What we had was between us, it was no one else's business. But for Chris, it was personal. The way he and the others saw it, I was getting off scot-free. After years of the treating me like a pariah, I had Jess on my arm to temper the loneliness they'd punished me with. And now I was starting a new life without paying for the sins of my past. For them, there would be no closure, no satisfaction. Jess was the only way they could feasibly get to me. If I were a real piece of shit, I would fuck her and rub it in their faces. But I couldn't do that without hurting her in the process.

JPOV

I needed something stronger than a beer, and Jeff was more than happy to oblige me. He had snuck in a tumbler filled with pineapple juice and rum. We each took turns drinking from it, getting sillier and sluttier with each sip. There were so many guys standing around, but I only had eyes for Derek. I watched him and Chris talk from across the pool. Chris was still being a sloppy drunk, but Derek was tolerating him like a good friend. You're my girl… His words were like a warm blanket, comforting and reassuring. And knowing Derek, that was as close to a commitment as I was going to get. I decided right then and there that I was going to tell him how I felt.

"Don't do it," Jeff whispered into my ear, knowing exactly who I was looking at and what I was thinking.

"Do what?" I asked innocently.

"Has he stopped being racist? Like did he tell you, 'I don't believe in that anymore'?"

I rolled my eyes, "He doesn't have to tell me. I know." I hated the way the guys talked down to me, like I was some dumb, doe-eyed virgin who'd never had her heart broken or been lied to. I knew exactly who Derek was. He might have claimed to be racist in the beginning, but his actions towards me over the last few months showed me that he was anything but. No real racist would act the way he does. I could be a real bitch sometimes, but he was always so kind and gentle and patient with me. That was the kind of thing you just couldn't fake. Besides, how fucking stupid would it be for me to ask him point blank, "I know you're my best friend but are you still a white supremacist?" I respected him too much to do that to him.

"Remember what I told you…" 'Just because you make his dick hard doesn't mean he isn't racist.' I remembered – and I didn't give a fuck because what we had was so much more than that.

"Jeff, I love you but this is between me and him."

"He's leaving tomorrow," he reminded me.

I grinned at him condescendingly, "I'm aware."

"Unless he admits to you that he's changed, don't let him string you along. Otherwise, he'll just keep using you and never change."

"You don't see what I see. He's different," I pleaded.

"Oh yeah? How?"

"I don't know. He's just different with me."

"Yeah, because he wants to fuck you."

"Can you just drop it?"

He scoffed, "When did you become such a soft bitch?"

"If I kick your scrawny little ass, am I still a soft bitch?" I snapped.

He snatched the tumbler from my hands and chugged what was left. "Do what you want. But you need to let him go so he can figure shit out on his own."

At that point, I had stopped listening to him.

Me: We didn't finish our talk…

Derek: Do you want to get out of here?

Me: YES

Derek: I'll leave first and wait for you so they won't say anything
Derek: I'm out front whenever you're ready

Me: Coming

It was like any other night: we came home and settled into my room. He was playing games on his phone while I got ready for bed - but I wasn't planning on going to sleep. Courtesy of my employee discount, I picked out some lingerie. It wasn't anything too dramatic, just a lacy white bra and matching g-string. I brushed my hair in waves to give it that blowout look. Then, I reapplied my lipstick before spraying myself with perfume.

This wasn't how I wanted to do it. I had wanted him to confess his feelings for me before I ever let him touch me again. But with him leaving tomorrow, it was now or never. He was so, so flawed but I was crazy about him. We accepted each other completely – that wasn't something you could just find around the corner. I'd been screwed over by nearly everyone this past year, telling me how I was making the wrong choices, that I was stupid and would never amount to anything. He'd been the only one to actually listen to what I had to say. He supported me and he encouraged me to do things. And even when he fucked up, he apologized to me and stuck by my side. But most of all, he just made me feel wanted and I loved him for that. However, I couldn't actually bring myself to tell him because I was too chickenshit. Instead, I was going to show him.

Just as I had left him, he was laying down on my bed. Still preoccupied with his phone, he didn't notice me step out of the bathroom. I said nothing; I could barely breathe. My shaky knees hit the corner of the bed. With the lightning fast speed of a snail, I began the long and arduous climb onto the mattress. Once both knees were on the bed, I knelt forward. Being on all fours allowed him an unobstructed view of the valley between my breasts.

"Der..." I whispered his name.

His glanced at me for a brief second before his eyes returned to the game on his phone. Once the image of myself being half naked processed through his head, his widened eyes quickly returned to me. He lost the grip on his phone, causing it to pinball off the bed and onto the floor.

He sat up on his elbows and whispered, "What are you doing?"

"What does it look like?" I whispered back.

Just like I wanted, his eyes locked in on my breasts. With no obvious protests to deter me, I straddled his waist. He might have been mentally undressing me with his eyes, but his hands remained frozen at his sides. I reached behind my back and unhooked my bra. Teasingly, I held the cups against my chest. Still, his eyes gave nothing away. Improvising, I removed my bra completely and placed it around his neck. With my nipples mere inches from his lips, he finally blinked and looked me in the eyes.

"We shouldn't be doing this," he said soberly.

"Why?" I asked.

"You know why." I pawed at his crotch and felt him stiffen underneath. He grabbed my hand, forcing me to pause but that didn't stop his dick from hardening. His blue eyes were a mess of emotions: shame, lust, anger, fear, want... For a second, I thought he was going to give in, but he shook his head, "No, this is wrong."

"It's only wrong if you want it to be."

After another bout of silence, he rejected me again. "I can't."

"Yes, you can." I leaned in and whispered directly into his ear, "Just lay back and let me make you feel good."

I pushed him back flat onto the bed. My fingers gently scrolled down his torso to the waistband of his boxers. He shivered as I drew them down just enough for his anxious cock to pop out. What he lacked in length, he more than made up for in width. He was thick, pink and cut. He sat up on his elbows to watch as my warm breath traveled up his veiny shaft. We locked eyes as my lips grazed the bulbous head. "Do you know how long I've wanted to do this?" I asked breathily. He nervously bit his lip; he was afraid – afraid at how much he wanted this. I started by rolling the tip of my tongue over the sensitive underside, making him shiver. I stroked his shaft up and down, causing pre-cum to come oozing out. He tried and failed to hold in his pleasure, letting out a desperate, deep moan. Encouraged, I finally took him in my mouth. I could only take in the top half given how big he was. Once I'd gotten my breathing under control, I slowly took in more of him. I bobbed my head up and down and swirled my tongue around the head. My gag reflex and jaw muscles eventually relaxed enough to open wider for him and soon, my lips reached the base. His breathing became labored and he lifted his hips. A raspy groan resonated from his throat. "Ooh, Jess..." he cried. He grabbed a handful of my hair and twirled it against the side of my head. He held my head still as he thrusted his impatient cock in and out of my mouth. "Oh fuck, baby…" His moaning intensified with every stroke. I looked up at him briefly, turned on by the tortured expression on his face, like he was in agony from the pleasure. I knew he wasn't going to last much longer but it would be cruel of me to stop now. I sucked him as hard and fast as I could, frantically licking the underside of his tip. His body jerked, and then a sudden barrage of spurts hit the back of my throat. "Fuuucckk..." he groaned in ecstasy as he emptied himself in my mouth. What I couldn't swallow dribbled back down his cock. I wiped my mouth, trying to hide my smirk as he came down from his orgasm. His now soft but satisfied dick rested against his thigh.

I curled up beside him and pawed at this chest, placing soft kisses on his shoulder. I watched as his breathing evened out, a sign that his orgasm had worn off. Still, he wouldn't say or do anything. He just stared blankly at the ceiling. Seconds ticked by and his silence grew disconcerting. I waited for something – anything – to happen. Had I done something wrong? Was he embarrassed? I thought I had decent oral skills and he'd been incredibly receptive; I had belly full of his cum to prove it. "Baby, what's wrong?" I whispered. His blank stare turned dark and menacing. But instead of getting angry, I watched as a single tear rolled down the side of his face and onto my pillow. Before I could even process what I'd seen, he ripped himself out of bed. Stupidly, I reached out to put a hand on his shoulder, which only served to further irritate him. He shrugged out of my embrace and tucked his dick back into his jeans. "Did I do something wrong?" I asked meekly. Ignoring me, he stumbled over to the patio doors while trying to buckle his tangled belt. Realizing the moment was over, I threw on a sweatshirt. Even then, I still felt naked and exposed. "Der, what the fuck? Answer me," I demanded.

"This was a mistake," he murmured, reaching for his car keys. When he found them, he started to leave. I dashed over to block him from the door. He tried to get around me, but I was not going to budge until he started talking. I put my hands on his chest to try and keep him from leaving. Again, he knocked away my hands, repulsed by my touch. "Get out of the way, Jess," he demanded.

I crossed my arms in defiance. "No."

He snarled and took a step back. "Get out of the way before one of us does something stupid," he warned.

"What's wrong with you?" I screeched. "Did-didn't you like it?"

He looked down and shook his head. I just wanted him to tell me what was wrong. I deserved an explanation. Was it really that hard?

"Fine, I'll just use the front door."

That fucking coward. It was now or never.

"I love you," I blurted out.

His eyes widened at my confession. "What?" he said comically. "You can't be serious." The humor and amusement in his voice made my heart drop. I wasn't delusional enough to expect him to turn around and declare his love for me, but I didn't expect him to react this cruelly, either. He was my best friend - if he didn't feel the same way, he'd let me down easy. Bitch, he's not your friend. He never was. All he wanted was to get his nut off and you let him. What use does he have for you now? My eyes watered and my bottom lip trembled as he threw the most precious of emotions back in my face. I made no attempts to stop myself from crying in front of him. It's not like I could anyway in my vulnerable state. But he didn't let that stop him from going on. "I could never be with someone like you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked angrily.

"You know what I'm talking about."

"I thought we were passed that."

"I never said anything like that."

"You said I was your girl."

"Yeah, so? That doesn't mean anything," he sputtered. I nodded my head, accepting that it had been a mistake to fall for him. I stepped out of his way, eager for him to leave so I could barricade myself in the bathroom and break down completely. "I'm sorry..." he mumbled, too much of a coward to look me in the eye.

I sneered at the audacity of him trying to apologize after laughing in my face. "Sorry for what? Sorry for being a racist piece of shit?" I asked spitefully.

"You knew. Don't act like it's some secret I kept from you," he said harshly.

"But we're friends-"

"We are. But that's as far as we can go."

"Just like me sucking your dick. That's as far as you'll go, right?" I asked bitterly.

"Hey, that's on you! So don't try to turn this around on me!" he shouted.

"I only did it because I love you!"

He shook his head again, almost as if he didn't want to believe me. "Just because you love me doesn't mean I have to love you back," he proclaimed arrogantly.

"You won't even try!" I screamed, shoving him in the process.

He only stumbled but quickly steadied himself and got back in my face so I was forced to look up at him. "That's it. I'm fucking done. I don't want to see you anymore," he said callously.

"But I love you..." I repeated pathetically.

He swirled me around and slammed me against the wall. My shoulder blades had taken the brunt of the impact. It felt like they had shattered completely as he pressed my arms tightly against my chest. Red had fallen over his once pale face while his eyebrows curved inward over rage-filled eyes. He was shaking violently, even had his right hand clenched into a tight fist. Instinctively, I shut my eyes and braced myself, expecting him to strike me. Instead, he launched his fist into the wall, landing right beside my head. "Stop. Saying. That," he seethed. I didn't want to look at his face, didn't want to see those eyes. But I had to know. So I swallowed the mountain of saliva that had accumulated in my throat and forced my eyes back open. I looked up from under my lashes ever so slowly - and then immediately wished I hadn't. He glared down at me with a burning hatred, like I wasn't even a person to him, just an object for him to take his frustration out on. He leaned in closer, stopping beside my ear. "Fucking spic whore. You're nothing to me."

I had bared my body and soul to him tonight and he'd rejected both. It felt like I was going to collapse into myself, and god, I wanted to. With the last bit of strength I had, I freed one of my arms from his grip and walloped him straight across the face. It had been forceful enough to briefly leave a red imprint of my hand on his cheek. "GET OUT!" I screamed as fresh tears streamed down my face. My legs gave out from under me and I slid to the floor. I buried my head in my knees as I began to sob. I heard his footsteps patter out the door until they faded completely. Blinking in and out of consciousness, I crawled over to the toilet and vomited any and all feelings I ever had for him.

A/N December 2022: Part 2 "Only wrong if you want it to be" has been posted :)

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