I keep smelling this guy in front of me and God… I think I'm going to die. I probably look like some kind of freak closing my eyes and breathing in deep like those cheesy commercials. I love him... I want to marry him… or at least steal his damn cologne. He smells lovely. More than lovely, he smells like the sun and the stars and the moon… and Jupiter.

I have become obsessed with cologne! I haven't even seen his face and I'm already considering stealing his shirt… which I think is a green, blue, yellow striped dress shirt kind of thing. Who knows.

Smells good… Noooooooooooo! He's leaving! Don't leave! Okay… he's not, he's just shuffling papers. Now he's sneezing, he tries not to sneeze so it's more of an unenthused cough.

He's pretty… well I don't really know if he's pretty but I think he is… he smells nice and he shuffles papers and he studies… in the library! In front of me with his nice smelling smell.

I'm going to follow him when he leaves to his dorm room and stand outside his door. I'm going to say, "Mr. Yellow, blue, green stripped shirt man could I borrow your cologne. You smell nice. Will you marry me?" And then he's going to call the campus police who think they're all big and bad and they're going to tell him, "We're sorry but there's really nothing we can do. It's a dorm and we can't just arrest anybody for standing in the halls. It's not like she threatened your life or anything." Because the campus police don't really want to do anything… kind of like the county police… in fact the only police that do do anything are the state, and they do too much.

Now he's calling somebody or something… his phone keeps making really loud noises and if he was anybody else it would annoy me… but he… smells… so… good! You just don't understand.

Sighs… I want to be his girlfriend. I want to be able to smell him whenever I want. I want to be able to call him up and be like, "Get over here right now… I miss your cologne!" and he'll be like, "Yeah… who the hell are you? You're not that girl outside my room are you? How'd you get my number?" And I won't tell him I got it by looking over his shoulder while he sat in front of me in the library because then he'll stop coming to the library.

His heads shaped weird… maybe he wears cologne to make up for his weird shaped head. Maybe he thinks the cologne will distract me. Well it didn't! I know your heads shaped weird and that's okay… because you smell good.

I should probably stop this because it seems quite a bit like pre-stalking-syndrome… is there such a thing? Ohhhhhh… that would be a cool serial killer. She kills people merely because of their smell. No one would ever figure out what the connection was! Okay seriously what in the hell is wrong with me? Have I thrown too many pennies into the fountain? Is the glass half empty instead of half full? Who ate all the cookies in the cookie jar!?

Now I'm hungry… so hungry. But I won't leave you alone Mr. Cologne guy because what if someone wants to kidnap you? What if they want to take you and hang you up in there scented candle shop? I can't let them do that. You don't belong in a scented candle shop you deserve to be free. Free to walk proudly around campus smelling like every guy should. Free to show that you may not be superior to me… or the female race. But there's a chance that you are superior to… many apes, small children, and other similar and like-minded species.

You go great smelling guy, you go!

Okay… don't leave… not yet at least.

Oh fuck you you're eating, aren't you? You better not be eating. Now you ruined it… just leave. Leave! No wait wait, stay. I love you. I… love… you… sexy smelling cologne guy… who really is fucking eating… you've got to be kidding me. That is so unfair.

Asshole.

He's texting… a real man does not text. Okay… he's a boy… he doesn't know any better. Maybe he's trying to be quiet because we're in a library. Yeah that's it. He's being quiet because he's trying to be a nice guy. Is there such a thing? Probably not. But there is something called denial and we've been lovers most of my life.

He kind of smells like the store in the mall. You know Kelvin Cline or something, I don't remember. I've never been in there but I forget how to use any sense but my nose when I pass.

Stop watching him you stalker! Stop! Just… Stop!

Okay… good smelling guy is kind of… cute… in a… earring wearing way. And he's wearing a black and dark grey checkered hoodie over his… shirt… that probably wasn't yellow, blue, ad green but that is not the point.

He left. My soul mate… my murin beatha dain… is gone. And I will never see him again. Tears… I will cry until he returns to me. I will never write another word until I see him again… huh… what was I saying again? Oh well. I'm going to go write on that story now.

Ohhhhhhhh… the internet's back on!


I wrote this about a year ago. Internet was out at school and instead of doing anything productive with my hour or so, like school work or writing more on a chapter, I came up with this.

I love cologne... and the smell of laundry, gasoline, grass, dirt, shaking (which I refer to as 'the farm' because my moms worked on one all my life and thats what it reminds me of), the smell of cold in the air usually around Halloween, when you know winter will be following, spearmint shampoo, though it volumizes which means I have to spend twice as much time straightening my already freakishly curly hair, the smell after dark on summer nights when the temp cools, and of course rain... that had absolutely nothing to do with... well... nothing, did it.

I orginally didn't plan to do anything with this, but my friend called a day or so after I'd finished in a kind of mad mood and I decided to read it to her to cheer her up. And she thought it was hilarious... I don't know if she found the story funny or me, for thinking it and then putting it down on paper. It made her laugh, so either way it was worth it.

Hope you enjoyed... I would say I can't promise I'm this weird but... I kind of really am this weird.